Do not ever go into a date trying to impress the other person. This is NOT a job interview. It’s not supposed to be! Rather, reprogram your thinking from “how do I make this person like me enough to consider me to be a potential or future boyfriend/girlfriend/partner?” TO “How can this person [your date] add to my life?”

Welcome back, guys, to Part 8 of The 75+ Lessons You Should Know Before Dating blog series.

Today, we are going to talk about what happens when you are in the midst of the Dating Game; so seeking potential candidates in real life at a bar, club, or anywhere you prefer to hang out at ORRR online via dating apps.

Again, here is your reminder of how far we have come:

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

You can click on any lesson on the list and you will be directly taken to that lesson’s respective blog post.

Okay, let’s begin!

58. Be Careful on Online Dating Apps

These apps are >>FREE<< which means they are available to ANYONE.

So bad people such as

sexual predators,
mysogynists,
stalkers,
people with horrific ulterior motives (_{sex trafficking, kidnapping, etc.}),

AND (or but, if you’re optimistic!) regular human beings who can be good, genuine people

also searching for love,
searching for hookups, AND
who are/may be heartbroken/carrying baggage/seeking people to get over their exes (AKA rebounders)

are all on there.

And YOU get to take your pick on who gets to be your date.

You do not know just WHO you are going to meet when you swipe right/match up with someone, so

PLEASE be wary, be careful, and be wise.

This is why I would also stress to NEVER form ANY preconceived notions about your date before you actually get to know them really well. Preferably after a few dates or months.

Why? Because it may potentially blind you from looking at them objectively, potentially putting your safety and self-interest at risk and at the mercy of a stranger you met online and barely know. When your judgement is compromised too soon, you risk becoming too emotionally invested; getting attached too early; AND/OR getting into a relationship with someone who does not have your safety or well-being in mind too fast. All of which can lead to catastrophic results. These include heartbreak and an unhealthy level of dependence on them.

If you are too in love with your date or fall in love with them so fast, barely knowing them, it will be harder for you to walk away from a bad situation/relationship. Or even impossible to look at certain situations that occur between you two without rose-colored glasses on; essentially, you won’t notice their red flags or signs for you to break it off. It will be difficult for you to see that things are not doing well and for you to realize that your date/newly officiated partner might not actually be looking out for you and that they might really have bad intentions. Don’t let your emotions and false ideas of your date get the best of you and prevent you from leaving early or as soon as possible. I will elaborate more on this in a future lesson.

Now, some of you may call me crazy or paranoid, but kidnappings of women (and even men!) DO happen. There ARE sexual predators/sex trafficking rings out there. In fact, there are plenty of those around where I currently live. And heck, if you don’t believe me (if you live in the United States), type into Google “registered sex offenders near me” and you will be able to find all who live around you or in your area just like that. That information is readily available for you at the literal tip of your fingers.

Look, these things don’t happen too often and of course, they are usually rare; however, that does not mean they CANNOT happen and may not ever happen to YOU.

You may think you’re a safe driver or that you live in a safe neighborhood, but I am pretty sure you have car insurance just in case someone else hits your car or breaks into it, right?

Be smart. Take some precautions to protect yourself. Here are some suggestions:

Let a friend know where you are going for a date and WHO that date is.
Have a plan in place such as putting a GPS tracker on your phone before and during the date in case you can’t make a call if something terrible happens.
Set a time limit, too.
- If you do not call or text your friend or family member(s) by an hour or two, they should be worried and call the place you’re having your date at to check up on you.

Remember, dates are supposed to be fun; still, be careful, be smart, and be safe!

One final note I want to add is that people who are online dating usually do not have a great mindset either. It’s a numbers game on there. You are disposable, replaceable, and almost seen as less than human. No one really regards anyone’s feelings on there. It’s all about convenience, everything chosen and dealt with with the literal tips of your fingers.

Everything is also superficial, too. Admit it, most people quickly scan if you’re at least pleasant to look at and if you are, you might be graced with a brief read of your profile. You’re judged pretty easily and very quickly.

And, there’s this idea that you can always find better on the online dating world. It’s a system where you will never find yourself not recommended more girls/guys/people–there’s no “bottom” to the barrel or pool of potential dates, so you will fall into this false sense of security of “there’s more out there.” Thus, instead of trying to make it work with someone (I’m not saying settle!), you fall into a trap of continuously swiping. I just want to warn you: be careful with that!

Personally, I still believe in the idea that you should meet someone naturally in real life. However, I WILL acknowledge that for some people it is honestly impossible and/or very difficult to do so. You cannot find someone you click with at work, school, or even in your hobbies, so of course it’s understandable to seek what might possibly be out there via the online dating world.

At the end of the day though, I will say that it’s best to use online dating apps as a supplement to your journey to finding your future romantic partner, though. It should not be the only avenue. Try to challenge yourself and get out of (and beyond) your comfort zone by meeting people outside in real life. Perhaps by doing something you have never ever done before. Going someplace that is out of the ordinary for you. Who knows? Maybe he/she/they might be there waiting for you.

59. Pay for Your Half on the First Date

It’s 2020. Men and women are equal, so ACT like it! Pay for your half of the date or pay for your own meal. And don’t you dare order something VASTLY more expensive than your date and then expect that they cover the difference between the two costs! Or cover the entire bill for you like that.

“Aww, but I think it’s more romantic if the man pays because it shows he’s interested/committed.”

I have several counterarguments to that.

One, do not ever say, then, that women and men are equal if you are looking for (or believe that you are entitled to) a free meal. Yes, he’s going on a date with you, but you guys aren’t official and he’s not committed to you. Yet. Plus, this is only the FIRST date. He’s testing the waters with you as much as you are testing it with him.

Of course it’s romantic when your boyfriend covers for you. BUT(!), that’s only when he IS your boyfriend (and is okay with it, too!). When he’s just a stranger or a casual friend trying out a date with you, you’re both equals (not that you aren’t so when you’re in a relationship as well!); you both have something to gain and lose on your date. A second chance and wasted time and money. Therefore, pay for your half of the date and keep the playing field even.

Unless someone actually and genuinely insists on taking the bill, only then do you give in. However, I still–personally–won’t concede, though. Stay tuned for why that sometimes may not be a good idea.

Secondly, it’s his wallet and he has worked hard for his money just as you probably have for yours. Yes, a man who pays is a gentleman, but it’s as much his money at the end of the day just like your money is yours.

Don’t be entitled. Don’t expect him to pay (in general, having any expectations at all usually leads to disappointment). Think of it this way: you worked hard for your paycheck. Would you want a stranger who you barely know to feel entitled for or expect you to pay for a meal they had ordered on only the first date with you?

Of course, women have suffered a lot over the years being denied some basic rights such as equal pay for the same work as their male counterparts. Regardless, to claim that we are, indeed, equal to men, ladies, we have to act equal to them. Don’t hate all men just because of their privileges; see their view, too, during the dating process. They’re not walking bags of money; they’re human just as we are as well. Oftentimes, they make a lot more money than we do, but that doesn’t mean we own their wallets.

Look, it’s different when you decide you actually like the person and want to take the bill on the second date or later on. But the first date is a meet and greet and it is just as much of a risk for him as it is for you.

Will you pay for someone you don’t like or come to realize you can’t stand to be around any longer? Someone who’s morally repulsive? Who’s values don’t align with you personally, religiously, or even politically? Who ended up pissing you off or became irritating to you as time passes?

Be empathetic. Consider this: if men had to pay for every date they went on, that would discourage them and, of course, would understandably and reasonably be frustrating, unfair, wrong, and a horrible nightmare. I am not saying we should cater to them! We should, however, step into their shoes and see what it’s like for society to expect that of them. Dating should be fun for them, too; not be a business venture for them all the time, forcing them to invest on every girl they match up with whether good or bad.

Fair is fair. Don’t complain about trying to be equal to men, but not doing your part.

Bottom line: pay up or stay home.

Third, why would you give women the reputation of being cheap and/or benefitting from dates because we get free meals? Do you WANT to be known as or to be called a freeloader?!!

If you want to be a POWERHOUSE, live it. We work hard for our money, ladies, and we can pay for our own meals. We don’t need no man to cover our bill; we’re independent! Make the money, bring home the bacon, and don’t be afraid to show it off! Show him that glamour, that power, that Boss Glow/Queen Gleam.

Lastly, don’t let him hold it over you like a hostage situation (this was what I had mentioned to look out for from up above). Some men will hold the fact that they had paid for the meal as a power play over you. Like a debt you have to owe them for. As an expectation that you have to like them or give into a certain request. Or that they’re entitled to a special reward for their generous gesture handling the check.

I have learned that when they do, it is your move to leave. Nonetheless, for anyone who has never experienced that, please know that it DOES happen and do not let him continue seeing you when he decides to pull that dirty trick from his sleeve. Leave.

Now for rebuttals:

Some of you might say

“Well, who cares what he thinks? If he doesn’t pay, f*ck him.”

Good point, but think about it from his shoes. If you were a man, wouldn’t it suck that every date you go on, you’re expected to pay simply because you’re a guy? Women are upset that the world treats us differently because we were born as women and NOT men. We know how life sucks (and society does too) because of that. Let’s be better than the world and not force the man to suffer for what he was born as too. Let’s be fair. When you go on a date, split the bill as evenly or as fair as possible OR just pay for yourself and save the hassle of who pays how much.

Finally, the “The person who invites should pay” argument. This one is nice. If you’re both cool with it, go for it!

And one last point, if you personally do not mind picking up the bill because you think it’s really no big deal, then you’re a rare angel. 🙂

60. (Try to) Keep First Dates Short

Leave your date wanting more! End the night (or date, if it’s during the day) as soon as possible; don’t stretch it out unnecessarily.

HOWEVER, that doesn’t mean you don’t go with the flow! If there is a natural progression, a spark, some kind of chemistry, then of course go on and explore it further! Plan for the date to be short, but if it goes better than expected–you know, the chemistry just takes off, you both like each other, and you both have the time, go where the mood takes you! Be cautious that first dates might not go well though (because they rarely ever do!). Thus, come with no expectations and just try to focus on finding a connection with your date first before you make any further commitments, whether to leave or to stay and continue the adventure!

61. Watch Your Mental State/ Thoughts During Dating

How we present ourselves to the world depends on our mental state; for instance, our confidence and self-esteem. How you think about yourself affects your behavior, attitude, and how you come off and are perceived by others around you.

Here are 4 advices I will give under this heading that you can consider when you go out for dates.

A. Figure Out Why You Are Dating

This one is like the lesson I talked about in the first part of this blog series. I am saying it here again because it WILL affect how you act during the Dating Game.

Evaluate yourself and try to figure out exactly WHY you are dating. Ask yourself these following questions:

Are you looking for a life partner?
- Someone who you can become best friends with and face life’s ups and downs together with?
- Someone who will support you and who you will support back?
- Someone you have taken the time to get to know, have come to like, who you admire, and are honored to be with?
- Someone whose presence you have come to appreciate, cherish, and who you don’t want to let go and miss when they are not around? Is this person special to you and holds an important place in your life and cannot possibly be anyone else?
ORRR are you dating to just find ANYONE to fill the position/title of boyfriend/girlfriend/partner? Someone you can “love” or rather, drop or bomb affection on?

Do you see what I am trying to get at? Are you dating to find someone you can love unconditionally? Who you CHOSE to love? Someone who has earned your love and you for them? OR is it only on a conditional basis? A roll-filling type of thing?

Figure it out.

Because one is a presence that is unlike any other. It is a gem that you have found, that you have come to value, treasure, and will refuse to let go or let anyone else have. While the other is a role to play.

Decide which one you want.

B. Chase versus Pursue

This one in particular will show just WHY your mentality during dating is extremely important.

One is desperate; for instance, when you date to chase, your line of thinking usually resembles something close to this: “if this date does not go well, I am a failure and there is something wrong with me.” The other mentality (pursuing) is more like this: “okay, if it ends bad, whatevers.”

When you chase after someone, you are hoping that they will like you back and it becomes more of a problem-with-me sort of situation, which is not a good mentality to have in dating. Think of it this way: imagine two kids playing tag and the tagger is thinking (or screaming), “I’m going to get you and if I don’t, I’m a loser who will always be the tagger.” When you’re dating and you chase your date, you are thinking like a tagger. You’re thinking that something is wrong with you if you don’t tag or get your date to like you back (e.g. “I’m not fast enough” or “I’m not funny or pretty enough”). Moreover, like a tagger, you want to shed that title of the game’s tagger just like how you want to get rid of your single status.

No one ever wants to be a tagger, especially for an entire game, just like no ever wants to only chase others during the Dating Game. And we all have that fear of just forever chasing others and never having the chance to be chased back, just like how we want others to at least like us back on dates so we don’t die alone. However, you can give yourself the power and ability to not think like that (because it’s not healthy!) by doing what I call: PURSUING.

When you pursue, you give YOURSELF power. Dating is about y-o-u, YOU (!) and picking your date based on only the basis of whether YOU like them or not; NOT about whether they like you or not.

With pursuing, you should know that you have the POWER TO DECIDE; YOU have the OPTION to like your date or not. Who you date matters because YOU decided to give them your time based on if you like them or not.

With THIS kind of mentality, you’ll act calmer and less desperate on dates and you won’t see dating as a rejection process or a losing situation for yourself anymore, but more of like any necessary experience you have to go through in life. Think of it as buying a house, a car, or a game. You buy those things with your money because YOU liked them; not whether the house, car, or game liked you!

Now, I’m not saying that you should treat finding a romantic partner like buying an object, because they are NOT objects (they are HUMAN beings with emotions and needs just like you!). I am just saying that you are no longer going to be trying to fill the romantic partner role in your life with just anyone who is just pretty or just accomplished or just enough.

No. Instead, you will be more focused on finding an actual human being who YOU genuinely like because you, yes, really have that option to pick them or not based on if YOU like them or not. With this type of mentality, you’ll act calmer and less desperate on dates and you won’t see dating as a rejection process or a losing situation for yourself, but more of like any other necessary experience you have to go through in life. You’ll also be more confident, act (hopefully) more cool, and have more control over your dating process. THIS is what I mean about pursuing (instead of chasing) your date being a mentality that gives more POWER to YOU.

When you pursue, your attitude and thought process will be more like this: “Hmm, this person seems fun, I kind of like them, I’ll see where this (date) goes.” If you like the person, you continue. If you don’t, eh, whatever! It’s not the end of the world. Why? Because it is YOUR choice to continue it or not. Not theirs.

It’s all about changing your thinking, attitude, and perspective on dating!

C. Regret Is Worse Than Rejection

I hate cliches, but I will say this: you miss all the shots you don’t make; so instead of living life wondering “what if,” just go for it!

See that cute guy/girl/person across the room? Go over there and make some conversations. The key is this: do NOT focus on asking them out on a date. Yet. Put your energy, instead, into actually starting a conversation first and THEN see where it takes you. If you focus too much on the result, e.g. getting the date or their number, you’ll never be able to initiate and you’ll freak out more when you’re talking to them.

It’s better if you only focus on striking up a conversation first because it will allow you to objectively see if you guys even click beyond just the basic physical attraction. Hey, that person may be hot or cute, but do they even have a sense of humor or have something in common with you? What’s the point of dating a good-looking person who doesn’t even click with you or share similar interests with you?

As for pick-up lines or conversation starters, try something like, “nice shoes, are those from Nike? Footlocker?” or “Cool earrings. They sparkle like your eyes.” Hahaha. OOORRR something better if you’re more pro than me.

Someone online suggested that if you’re a guy approaching a girl, speak to other people around her first. That way, you’re on her radar–she’ll be aware of your presence–and she’ll be able to use how you come off to those around her to gauge her interest for you and see if you are a threat to her before even daring to consider speaking to you. By the time you will have worked your way to her, she’ll be impressed by your social skills (or lack of) and may be comfortable enough to know you’re not a physical threat to her and thus, (probably) open up. OR you can just scorch and burn all your interactions leading up to her and by the time you do reach her (if she hasn’t left already) after having failed so badly, you can either get her laughing at you or go home bummed, BUT with a funny story.

Hey, live and learn. You have to practice to get better and you only become a master after failing. A LOT. Whatever doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.

Adopt a better attitude in life. Failing and rejection are NOT the worst things in life. You take risks to get to places–to ANY place–in life. None of the greats in our lifetime would have ever gotten to the place they were or are at without having stumbled a lot along the way. Kobe Bryant, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Chadwick Boseman, Magic Johnson, Michael Jordan, John Lewis, Michael B. Jordan, J.K. Rowling, Constance Wu, Simu Liu, Jennifer Aniston, Anna Akana, Ryan Higa–none of these people got to where they were or are without failing somewhere and MANY times.

Accept that failure, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, lift up your chin, and charge forward. You will be stronger, better, and more admirable. Don’t let the fear of failure faze you. The best people are the toughest. Let’s go!

D. No One, I Repeat, NO ONE is Out of ANYONE’S League

No, you do not owe anyone your presence, just like no one owes you their presence. We are all human beings, though; therefore, we are all equal to one another. Anyone acting otherwise is not worth your time, or is a good person. No one is better than anybody else. NO ONE should be kissing the ground that someone else walks on. That is NOT love; that is an obsession. Not only is that an unhealthy mindset, it is egregiously degrading and sick-minded if either partner thinks that way.

In healthy relationships, there is communication, trust, AND respect–and that includes SELF-RESPECT, as well.

At the end of the day, we are all humans who have more in common with each other than we have differences. Many of life’s greatest problems evoke similar emotions from all of us and we all experience similar things such as the need to be loved, appreciated, and accepted for who we are. Also, like the late night host and comedian Trevor Noah said, we all poop the same. You know that ugly face you make when you push that huge turd out your other end? Yeah, hotties like Beyonce and Dwayne The Rock Johnson do that, too. I assure you.

My point is, no matter how perfect someone looks or considers themselves to be, they’re just like you and me. They all puke, fart, burp, pick their nose, diarrhea, and sh*t like you and me do.

Which reminds me:

you should NEVER (ever) put ANYONE but YOURSELF on a pedestal.

Why? Because when you put someone on a pedestal, you give them no other option, but to look

DOWN.

ON.

YOU.

NEVER give anyone that option or that power to feel that way over and about you.

Relationships are, again, about respect; they are NOT about power plays. In addition, you will only hurt yourself when (or if) things end after you’ve put your date/partner on a pedestal the entire relationship.

Like I said once before,

do not go into a date trying to impress the other person.

This is NOT a job interview. It’s not supposed to be! Rather, reprogram your thinking from

“how do I make this person like me enough to consider me to be a potential or future boyfriend/girlfriend/partner?”

“How can this person [your date] add to my life?”

They will become as much YOUR boyfriend/girlfriend/partner as you will become their significant other. It’s not about how you can impress or offer any value to someone else’s life. Let them decide that. Let them do that work.

Your only job on dates is to just focus on being authentically and wholly you. So be PROUD and happy about who you are! And have fun!!! That’s what dates are supposed to be about. Meeting new people and flirting! You have to love that part about being single!

You do NOT need anyone else to reaffirm what you already know or at least SHOULD know and believe about yourself: you’re a freaking amazing person, with your own passions, set of accomplishments, and sense of fulfillment. If you don’t know or believe that, go find some hobbies! Find yourself, find what you like, and date yourself first before dating someone else. Fall in love with you before you love another person.

If you go into dating with the mindset that you’re trying to find someone who will only ADD to your life rather than fill a role, then failure, rejection, or a bad date will not even feel like a bad thing. It wouldn’t even bother you. Rather, it would just be another life experience. Another typical, forgetful event in your life a week from now, a month from now, or even a year or several years from now. This change in attitude will lead you to date with more of a calm resolve and with a different kind of confidence which will help make you more attractive as a date.

REMEMBER: you are NOT beneath or worth less than anyone else.

Therefore, you are NOT out of anyone’s league. So while we’re on this topic, do not ever try to rank people. No “she’s a 10 and I’m a 6” bullshit. Or “he’s a 9 and I am a 4.” Don’t give someone, especially a STRANGER you barely know, that power over you.

They might be a real looker, but if you discovered that they have a bad personality or attitude, would you really still like them? If you said yes, we have other problems that need to be addressed then.

Again, never let anyone have the power to look down on you. You have just as much value as anyone else does. Sure, she/he might be rich and successful, gorgeous and flawless, and you think you’re plain, simple, and boring.

No.

Go pull out a sheet of paper, and write down your accomplishments and the qualities you like about yourself. If it’s empty, you, again, need to go date yourself and find some hobbies and passions before pursuing a date.

We are all humans. Do not chase after someone to get them to be your significant other and fill a role in your life. Do not treat them like a foreign species that deserves your endless love, devotion, and worship. If you think like that, you are setting yourself up for heartbreak, disappointment, and lots of tears, anger, and pain.

That’s all for today’s post, friends! You can find the links to all the parts of this blog series conveniently here. Please subscribe to keep up to date with this blog series! Let me know what you guys think in the Comments section down below.

BIG ANNOUNCEMENT: I started a podcast!!! So, if you prefer listening to deep, thought-provoking conversations rather than reading, go ahead and check out my first episode: here. Also, you can finally hear my voice! Thank you again for reading! Stay safe!

The 75+ Lessons You Should Know Before Dating (Part 8)