We’re all humans and we’re all shaped and formed by different experiences. Hence, we will not click with everyone. And that is a key concept that you need to understand when finding the person who you will enter a romantic relationship with; it’s who is compatible and who complements you despite your different backgrounds, personalities, histories, baggage, and life experiences.

Hello and welcome back to Part 9 of The 75+ Lessons You Should Know Before Dating blog series.

The recaps are getting longer, so I will put them at the end of the post; that way, you guys don’t have to scroll through ALL of it to get to the main meat and potatoes. Therefore, if you want to check out what we have talked about before this post, scroll all the way down to the end. Otherwise, let’s head straight into the post!

62. Do Not Ever Try to Persuade or Give Your Date Reasons to Keep You Around

In other words, do not throw yourself at your date, especially if they have clearly shown you that they are not interested.

That means NO

groveling
pleading
whining
bargaining, AND/OR
begging

your date to let you have a part in their life.

You wouldn’t try forcing yourself to be friends with someone who doesn’t seem to like you, would you? –Please, say no!– Thus, why would you expect your date to keep you around them if you guys don’t click with each other, if they don’t have any interest in you, or in being your friend?

Here, let me help change your mindset so that you understand what I mean and do not ever do this. Look. Realize that this person you’re dating/seeing is someone who could potentially be your relationship partner. But they are as much of a potential partner for YOU as you are for them. Basically, they should also be working for your love, time, and affection as much as you are working for theirs.

Therefore, NEVER head into a date thinking

“how can I make myself be presentable? Appealing? Attractive? Sexy? Likable?”

to the other person. Well, the answer is simple.

Don’t.

Simply–yes, as ~cliche~ as this might sound–be YOU.

Don’t try to appeal to and/or try to be liked by your dates. Realistically speaking, you won’t (ever) be liked by all your dates. I promise you that. Someone will hate you. Some may dislike you (for no reason even!). And many will not click with you. But that’s not your problem. It’s not supposed to be!

However, KNOW that it’s okay. That’s supposed to happen! And that it is completely normal! Remember, dating is a numbers game! In fact, many times, dates failing might not even be about you!

On the other hand, if you date a lot of people or go on a lot of first dates, you’ll start to realize that YOU won’t like all your dates either. We’re all humans and we’re all shaped and formed by different experiences. Hence, we will not click with everyone. And that is a key concept that you need to understand when finding the person who you will enter a romantic relationship with; it’s who is compatible and who complements you despite your different backgrounds, personalities, histories, baggage, and life experiences.

Return the power back to yourself and realize that in life no matter what you do, you will always be liked AND disliked; people will ALWAYS have various opinions on all your life choices. Know, though, that it is never your job to please them or to live your life their way. Nor should it be your job to be liked by your dates.

You live life according to your own agenda, compass, moral values, decisions, and happiness. The person who you should end up with should be your partner because they support you. They should uplift you as you are, refuse to judge you for anything, and should never make you fret over whether or not you have their approval.

When you free yourself of people’s opinions–because people always have opinions and different ones, too!–you give power back to the most important person in your life: YOU. Because at the end of the day, at the end of your life, you will (or at least, should) have lived a happy and fulfilled life the way you wanted to and that was the best for you.

So don’t bow down to other people’s opinions and judgement; be you and simply you.

Live life your own way and be unapologetically, 100%, authentically you.

YOUR opinions of yourself is the only thing that matters. Look out for you because you’re going to be the one stuck with you, your body, and your decisions for the rest of your life. Your mind and your body is the space that you occupy the most in life; therefore, you sure as hell better make it a damn good place for yourself.

And as I said in the last post, dates are not supposed to be job interviews. You aren’t supposed to feed your dates reasons for dating you or things you can offer to do for them in a relationship either. Simply put, don’t date trying to impress others.

Impress yourself. That’s literally your only job in life and all that should matter!!!

Search for

compatibility
chemistry
connection
comfortability, and
suitability

from your dates.

Consider how they could add to your life. For instance, how will they complement and support you and your lifestyle? Find common interests, shared values, and that famous spark.

By reprioritizing your goal in dating (it’s about you, not them!), programming it into a journey that serves in your best interest, not only will you lessen the pressure of dating, but you’ll be less focused on an expected outcome. Hey, if you don’t connect, you guys just don’t connect. And if you do, great!!! Set up the next date!

This way, disappointment won’t happen as often and you’ll feel okay if things don’t go a certain way.

So remember: do not try to prove your worth or work for someone’s love, time, or attention. You bring value on your own and in your own way that is SPECIFIC to your own life and to your own needs. Moreover, you have a purpose and are passionate about certain things. You kickass and you’re awesome in whatever you enjoy doing.

Build and have some confidence so when you approach the date, you don’t give off that vibe of needing to please, impress, or offer them a reason to like you. Find someone who just clicks it with you naturally, so you don’t have to do anything more but be yourself. This saves you your energy, effort, dignity, self-esteem, and time to focus on the other important stuff in life.

If you want additional resources to this particular mindset, you should check out Natasha Adamo and her blog post about how to attract men and to read more about her concept of auditioning during dating. As a well known relationship expert with personal experiences of her own, she talks about how it is important NOT to focus on impressing someone; in other words, not “auditioning” for a part in your date’s life. Basically, do not come to a date auditioning to become someone’s boyfriend/girlfriend/partner. You want to be a friend in a romantic relationship, not just play a role or fill a position.

YOUR happiness and YOUR own approval of your date matters in the relationship, too. They will be as much your boyfriend/girlfriend/partner as you are theirs (you guys are equals after all!); thus, YOU have as much power as they do to decide whether they should have another date with you and another a chance to get that honored title one day or not. Again, do not go there to your date trying to coax or persuade them about your good features.

Act like you normally would and let them see YOU shine as you are. No extra effort needed.

63. Do Not Ever Go On Internet Forums or Search Engines and Type in What Your Dating Preferences Might Like

Don’t you dare go onto Google and/or forums such as Quora, Yahoo Answers, and/or Reddit and type in

“Do guys like girls with small boobs?”

“Do girls like guys who are short?”

NO.

No. No. No. No. No.

NO!

Don’t do that!!! In fact, NEVER do that!

First of all, not all men like the same type of women and the reverse is true. By Googling these questions, you are trying to compartmentalize yourself into a mold. There is only one of you in this entire universe; all that matters is what YOU think of you. Because whether you like it or not, you’re going to be the one stuck with you until the day you die, so you might as well embrace YOU as you are, or find ways to improve yourself and/or fall in love with yourself.

Again,

do not give someone else the power to determine your worth and value.

Find the beauty and the amazingness in yourself before you seek someone else’s attention. See how I didn’t say seek other people’s validation? You don’t need anyone else to like you but you. Only YOU should have that power over yourself.

64. Anyone Who Does Not Like You For You or For Your Interests is Not Compatible with You; Therefore, They Have No Purpose or Value to Remain in Your Life

I’ve stressed this a LOT:

HEALTHY relationships are about:

trust,
communication, and
respect.

You want someone to do ALL three and admire you. ALL of you! That includes your passions, your hobbies, and whatever puts that fierce flame in your eyes. If some guy/gal/person is rolling their eyes as you nerd out about your hobbies or whatever interests you,

DROP THEM!

Life is too short to have nay-sayers and non-supporters around you. You want people in your life who encourage you, lift you up, and see the best in you. Why would you want nor should you deserve anyone less than that around you?

65. Be Careful of Your Aura On Dates

If you’re shy and/or uncomfortable,

it.

Will.

Show.

If you’re not confident and/or are desperate, others will see it.

I guarantee it.

Whatever your mental state, it will show in how you come off to others, whether you are aware of it or not. Your emotions govern your facial expressions, voice, tone, word choice, and especially in your body language. Some people hide that they notice it, but regardless, others are aware and can even sniff up such feelings from a mile away. Therefore, if you need or want to work on your confidence, the root is your self-esteem.

If you are anxious of social situations, practice in normal situations in places where you have some level of comfort and then work your way up. Perhaps hang out with people you are comfortable with doing what you enjoy, are passionate about, or is your hobby–something you shine in so you can focus on building your confidence up. Maybe accomplish certain small, but challenging tasks to climb your way up your sense of self.

Slowly work on these to become who you want to be. Also know that failure happens, so don’t shame yourself for messing up. Pain and anger are the greatest emotions to power up your drive, to grow, and to get better. Think of all the athletes in the world. They’ve had several injuries and have shed countless drops of blood, sweat, and tears before they made it to the arena or anywhere close to being in the public eye. You’re going to have to do something close to that too before the world sees you shine. But it will be worth it, I promise!

66. Watch Your Insecurities

I personally believe that you should work on your insecurities before adding dating into your life. Tackling these demons is already a heavy load on its own. When you carry it with you as you date, it can only get worse. Or at the very least, complicate the waters. For instance, if you’re not an already confident person, it will show to your date. Believe me, some people are keen enough to sense it! And if your date is not a good person, they can (or will) use your insecurity (or insecurities) against you to take advantage of the situation and/or you.

I’ll give you a personal example. This guy I was once seeing, I was head over heels for him. I had even told him upfront that I had believed that he was hot. At the time, I had not believed that I was attractive enough to land him; in fact, I was really insecure back then, to the point where I was thinking that it had been sooo long since I had actually been in a relationship that I needed to get into one ASAP. And guess what I did? I let him walk all over me just so I could stay with him and get into that relationship I thought I had wanted and needed so bad at that time.

Why do I bring this up? Well, because my insecurity at that time was my lack of faith in myself. My lack of self-love. My lack of confidence in my own worth, my own value, my own purpose, and my own beauty.

I’m a different person today than I was back then. I’ve worked on myself and I am confident in my looks, my worth, and my value as a person to know now that I don’t need to be defined by a relationship. Love can come find me whenever it wants. My purpose in life now is to do what I love, am passionate about, and to reach my dreams.

Can you feel it? The tone in my words? The emotions behind them?

When you can get to where I am and have this sense of confidence, you exude it. When you believe it too (because that is important as well!), you start to see it in yourself, feel it within you, and will actually live it. It becomes part of how you carry yourself, how you walk, how you talk, and how others see and interact with you.

When you are so sure of yourself, no one can f*cking shake you. No one can ever walk all over you anymore because guess what? You’ve built yourself up so formidably that they wouldn’t even dare to or be able to successfully knock you over or down. They will be able to see it in your eyes. And if they as much as try to start to chip at you, it won’t bother you. Because it won’t matter to you. You’d realize it’s not worth the time or effort to deal with classless low-lives such as them. And why should you? You’ll know you’re better than that.

Work on yourself. Reach into your inner depths and fix you before you add more complications into your life. Because I promise you, even though love feels nice, it also brings trouble and drama.

Love yourself first and the rest will fall into place. Once you find that self-love and self-confidence, including your self-esteem, issues such as boundaries being crossed during dating (especially when you enter a real, official relationship) won’t be a problem for you because you’ll know that you deserve better; you won’t have any qualms about leaving them if they try to cross you.

I’ve said in Part 5 that boundaries matter; HOWEVER, to defend them right, you got to love yourself and believe in yourself first. Banish your inner demons and insecurities first before you let yourself date and get others potentially tangled into your mess.

Obviously, you don’t need to be a perfect being when you go date, but promise yourself you’re going to work on it while you do.

Also, REMEMBER that the only person who should save you from your own problems is YOURSELF. Do NOT be the damsel in distress or the victim in your story; instead, be the hero, the warrior, your own savior. Empower yourself that way!!!

That will be all for this post. Join me next time for Part 10! As promised, the recap of all the parts and lessons we have covered are all below! They are all linked, so if you click on any of the lessons, you will be taken directly to that post to be able to read further for each one.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

Part 8

The 75+ Lessons You Should Know Before Dating (Part 9)

62. Do Not Ever Try to Persuade or Give Your Date Reasons to Keep You Around

63. Do Not Ever Go On Internet Forums or Search Engines and Type in What Your Dating Preferences Might Like

64. Anyone Who Does Not Like You For You or For Your Interests is Not Compatible with You; Therefore, They Have No Purpose or Value to Remain in Your Life

65. Be Careful of Your Aura On Dates

66. Watch Your Insecurities

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