YOU have to like YOU first before you can get someone to like you and eventually establish a relationship with them.

Welcome back, guys! We’re on Part 4 of The 75+ Lessons You Should Know Before Dating blog series.

Here is a recap of the previous 3 parts. If you click on any of the lessons, you will be taken directly to that post where I discuss each lesson in more detail.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Without further ado, let’s jump right into Part 4. Today, it will be all about…

BAGGAGE.

24. Try to Deal with Your Inner Demons First Before You Start Dating

For instance, if you do not like yourself, don’t ruin the mood by telling or showing your date that. Also, do NOT try to get into a relationship to give your ego a self-esteem boost, thinking that if they like you, that alone is enough to prove your self-worth or is the sole reason for you to live.

YOU have to like YOU first before you can get someone to like you and eventually establish a relationship with them.

If you do not think that you are handsome/beautiful, do NOT think that dating a guy/girl or having a boyfriend/girlfriend will make that better. If you think you are not skinny, curvy, bulky, and/or muscular enough, but that if a man or woman dating you affirms that you are indeed beautiful/handsome, we have some self-esteem issues that we need to resolve first.

That affirmation, confidence, and belief in yourself and your beauty must come from within yourself first before you are ready to be in a relationship. Otherwise, it will taint and hurt the health of your relationship.

Additionally, if you have mental health issues, do NOT seek a relationship to deal with or to distract you from facing those problems. Do not bring someone else into your life to deal with that mess. I am not saying you should be perfect and free of mental illness in order to date; however, if you have major anxiety issues or self-doubt, dating someone to get them to reassure you or build you up is not and will never be a good idea.

This leads me to…

25. Get Rid of the Savior Mentality

I once saw someone who had been cheated on and had had his heart broken twice in one year; I had really felt sorry for him. It had hurt me that he had been through something like that–being betrayed by someone he saw his future with and wanted to marry. I wanted to stay by his side and help him navigate through his emotions and help him out of his darkness.

And then I learned and realized multiple things. One, do not try to offer help to someone who does not want it. Two, don’t offer help to someone when you still have your own life and demons to deal with yourself. In other words, take care of yourself first before you are ready and are able to help others. And three, don’t force that help onto someone at your own expense.

“Never set yourself on fire to keep someone warm.”

– Unknown

Don’t try to be nice that way.

YOU should always come FIRST in life. No one will ever take care of you the way you deserve and in the best way possible, but YOU yourself.

Thus, ensure that for yourself.

Moreover, please do NOT get into a relationship with somebody based on the idea that you guys can save each other.

I mean, just look at how silly I was, up above, romanticizing the idea of pulling my date out from his darkness!

This guy on the internet who is suffering from mental illness admitted that he had started dating his girlfriend (who also has her own set of mental illness issues to deal with) because he had thought it would have been romantic to save each other AND that they would have understood each other given their similar background. Well, as it turned out, he realized he couldn’t handle both his issues and hers at the same time. Having become overwhelmed and being misinformed (he had originally thought clingyness in a partner was adorable and would mean he would never have to actively seek/fight for her attention), he resorted to asking for advice online on how to end the relationship because it was becoming too unbearable for him.

Obviously, that is an extreme and generally rare case, but my point for bringing up this story is that, please, do NOT get into a relationship and romanticize the idea of saving each other and healing a broken person.

People’s demons are their own problems to deal with. You can stand by their side to support their fight and struggle, but YOU should not be the one to defeat their inner demons or save them from it.

It’s not like the movies, books, and Disney out there in the real world. Do not be the damsel in distress who is waiting for their lover to come into their life to save and love them. Prince/Princess Charming is not coming for you to defeat the evil dragon queen, kiss you, and wake you up to get married, Aurora, Snow White, or whoever. Don’t sit and wait around to be rescued like a Disney Princess. Take charge of your life and rescue yourself. Love yourself, too!

And do not delude yourself with the idea that you, as a good person–good girl or good guy–will be the special, the one, or the predestined person to change the bad girl or bad guy from their horrible ways. Save those romantic fantasies for novels and movies where authors and writers conceive and control those story lines. Situations like that RARELY happen in real life.

Remember: people only change IF and WHEN they want to.

Not because some random good and innocent person waltzed (or came) into their life, left an impressive impact on them in a short period of time, and forced them to reevaluate their life choices enough in order to get them to change. That again, rarely happens.

Save yourself the trouble and realize that you are dating in search of a PROSPECTIVE partner. Not a PROJECT to work on and fix.

That’s not sexy. It’s romantic to read about healing someone, but an annoying process to actually fix someone. Trust me. Don’t do that to yourself!

26. Do Not Date Someone Who Is Not Over Their Ex

Make sure you are never a rebound. I’ve been in/on 3 relationships/dates where the guys have not gotten over their ex. My first date ever wouldn’t stop talking about every ex he had and wouldn’t stop mentioning his most recent one. My last date had been cheated on and was looking to forget her by fooling around. Therefore, unless you’re not serious about dating and don’t mind listening to endless stories about someone’s ex-girl/boyfriend(s), make sure you find out as soon as possible before or during the date, so you do not waste your valuable time.

In addition, if your date treats you like how a former lover did, get out. Be wise enough to learn from your past mistakes. Do not try to make things work with a new lover because even though they treat you the same as your ex, they’re hotter or smarter or are somehow different from your ex.

Similarly, if your date is complaining about a former flame being a bad girl/boyfriend because, for example, she/he didn’t cook for her/him, know that that may have been an underlying issue as to why the former relationship fell apart. Someone can be demanding or expecting more and doing nothing. Or, communication can be broken. Therefore, be smart enough to recognize that unless you don’t mind cooking for or cleaning after someone (or having traditional roles or a broken communication system), that most likely might be your guys’ issue if you decide to pursue a relationship with them in the future.

Someone told me to be wary of getting excited for a drop of water from an empty glass or getting a gallon from a full well.

In other words, for the first part of that statement, don’t expect love from someone who has been traumatized by love and is still heartbroken. Remember the guy who I had been seeing who had been cheated on? On our second date, he was already telling me he didn’t trust me. At that time, I had thought “sure, fine. That’s okay with me because we’ve only met each other twice so of course, he doesn’t trust me.” Only on our third encounter when he had revealed that he had been cheated on, did I realize that it was over between that guy and me. In hindsight, even on the first date, he had already said he had been hurt really bad. That had been my clue.

That’s why I would advise you to notice all the signs and try to understand all those hints you see. The earlier the better, usually. Fundamentally, this guy who had been hurt really bad in his past could never trust women again (or maybe he can, later, after some time–who knows?). Regardless, I wasn’t going to stay (nor should I have) to help build his trust in women again if he didn’t want me around.

As for “getting a gallon [of water] from a full well”–be careful of people in the dating world called love bombers. These people don’t love you for you. They love the IDEA of love and throwing affection at you because you are the object or center of their “world”–which is a fake image, concept, and understanding of love.

27. Do Not Let Yourself Be Compared to Your Date’s Ex

Watch out for anyone–ANYONE who compares you to their ex. First of all, it shows that they are CLEARLY not over their ex and you should get out of there unless you want to be a rebound. Secondly, do not let yourself be compared to anyone EVER. Period.

In life, never compare yourself to other people, especially when it comes to happiness, looks, careers, or relationships.

The only person you should ever compare yourself to , if at all, is YOURSELF. Today versus yesterday.

That’s it! Comparison robs yourself of the present moment and your own happiness (and sanity, while we’re at it). Therefore, if you should not compare yourself to others and should only compare yourself to yourself, why would you let anyone compare you to their ex? Does that make sense? If anyone does, take it from me: leave them. As fast as you can.

28. Pay Attention to How Your Date Talks About Their Ex

Even though you should not let your date or boyfriend/girlfriend/partner compare you to their ex and/or leave when they do mention their ex, LISTEN to how they speak about their former lover; it will give you a peek into their former relationship. For instance, does your date put the blame on their ex(es) a lot? If they have a lot of exes and they blame them a lot or for everything, try to see if the person you are dating is the one with the issue(s) because they are the common variable.

Let me put it this way. A friend of mine started dating this guy who complained that a lot of girls blocked him after dating him. He told her to say horrific things such as (I’m not kidding!) “repeat after me: fuck [insert girl’s name].” Only after she was love bombed by him and had realized how manipulative, controlling, and unrealistic he was did she understand just WHY those other girls had to block him. In fact, despite her not wanting to block him and treat him like how the other girls did, she had to for her PHYSICAL and MENTAL safety.

Moreover, if your date always puts the blame on their ex, try to see if it was really their ex’s fault or if your date happens to be someone who never is responsible for or accepts the blame in an argument, problem, or the overall relationship.

Personally, I feel that if they can acknowledge a fault of theirs or a mistake they have made, that shows me that they are self-aware, reflective, and mature.

Look, everyone makes mistakes. I’ve done things I have not been proud of. But what’s most important is that I’ve learned, grown, and am determined to never repeat that same mistake again. We’re human, so as long as we’re committed to becoming a better version of ourselves everyday, we can admit our faults, learn from them, and move forward. That’s a true testament of an adult and someone you should or could possibly be in a relationship with. It’s a good characteristic to have (to be able to admit your shortcomings to someone else)!

Lastly, pay careful attention to whether or not your partner calls their ex “crazy” or is misogynistic, as well. If he thinks all women should cook and clean for him and he never has to lift one finger to help around the house, be aware of what you’re signing up for. If she thinks all men are pigs or are perverts, that’s not a good mentality to have in a partner. If they dismiss all their exes as “crazy,” see if they are the type of person who ignores their partner’s/partners’ concerns or sweep problems under the rug. Or never try to face anything (like feelings) or solve any issues that arises.

Exes are a red flag when mentioned on (generally, (the) first (few)) dates, but they can give you a good insight on how your date was in their past and what your present and potential future will be like together if you guys do chose to continue seeing each other.

29. There’s a Difference Between Having Mental/Emotional/Traumatic/Physical Baggage and Just Unfortunate Events Happening to You

If you are not over your ex, do NOT date. If you have a mental health issue, you can date (but be careful!). You do not have to be a perfect human being and a model citizen in order to date. Regardless, if your issues start to affect the life and happiness of your partner negatively and drastically, you should rethink the idea of dating.

Look, we’re all human, we have our own problems to face, and we’re social creatures, so it’s understandable to yearn for a partner.

However, while I want you to be happy with someone, it should not come at the cost of someone else’s happiness. For example, if you have been cheated on and cannot trust people for the time being, I do not think it is wise in the meantime for you to try to date other people. You’ll hurt the other person by making them feel like they cannot be trusted.

The basic three elements that all relationships are and should be built on are trust, respect, and communication.

If you don’t have trust, there’s no point trying to start something right now. That is when I would recommend you to go work on yourself first before you bring someone into your life to deal with what still haunts you.

On the other hand, if you’re unemployed right now or are poor, that shouldn’t stop you from dating. Sure, dating will be hard because you can’t go on fancy dinner dates or take anyone to a nice, special spot for the date. Regardless, that should not mean you can’t get creative with different date ideas. You can still date–just with a limited budget! Personally, I wouldn’t mind skipping a county fair for a nice walk on the beach or pier. I don’t need to go to an expensive restaurant to make a connection with somebody. I can skip watching a movie for debating about which movie is the greatest of all time outside a cafe. I would not even mind dating someone who is unemployed, especially given the pandemic right now. It just depends on their situation and attitude about it.

Being poor doesn’t and shouldn’t mean you are sentenced to a life of misery and doomed to never date or enjoy life.

Look, as long as you’re working hard to one day try to get out of poverty or at least save money, I have respect for that. The only time unemployment would ever be a problem is if you’re a grown person who chooses to never work a day in your life and mooches off your parents’ fortune.

If you have bad health, too, that should not mean you should be sentenced to misery and loneliness for the rest of your life. I, myself, have an autoimmune disease that will affect me for the rest of my life, yet I still believe I am worthy of love and can be able to experience it.

It’s when your attitude and life reflects these unfortunate, life-changing events do they make it a turn-off.

This guy I knew had irritable bowel syndrome and diabetes. He refused to work, learn how to drive, or even call into his doctor’s office to make his own appointments. That to me is a turn-off. Even though I say we should never compare ourselves to others, when you look at pregnant nurses coming to work for 12 hour shifts or that guy’s own father (who has diabetes himself too!) still going to work as a lawyer, you can’t help but think, “gee, you’re really going to give up on doing anything in life.” That is what I mean by letting unfortunate things in your life determine that you will just give up on working toward anything at all, which, ultimately, is a turn-off. When you choose to be a lazy bum, that’s when I say forget dating. You’ll only be a problematic anchor or dead weight in the relationship.

30. Your Childhood Worldview WILL Affect Your Dating Life

If you think love is like Disney, prepare to be disappointed. If you think a man will be your prince charming or a woman is your dream girl princess, prepare to be disappointed. No white knight is coming to save you and love isn’t all magical and happy joy all the time. It isn’t some fairy tale fantasy. Life is not fiction. And there’s no such thing as fate, trust, or pixie dust.

Call me cynical, jaded, or even the Grinch, but I would rather be as realistic as possible than be high on cloud nine and crash down onto hurt from such great heights.

Additionally, your parents and culture influence how you perceive love. I grew up thinking that you find someone you like and you just tolerate them. Yes, you just deal with them–all their flaws and problems. Just shut up and take it. Life is hard, that’s why, and to support your husband through thick and thin makes you a good wife. He comes first. All the time. Yes, I was also told to just settle, don’t be picky, and you’ll be happy. And if you don’t find someone soon, you’ll end up alone. And apparently, yelling at each other, saying whatever you want with no filter or any repercussions, sweeping problems under the rug, and holding your tongue made for a successful relationship/marriage.

Nope.

I learned that it bred resentment, hatred, unhappiness, and unfulfillment. The icing on top is that I was also taught that a woman’s success as a mother and wife was staying home to cook and clean, and nurture the kids. To be a a good wife was to make sure your husband’s and child’s/children’s needs were always met first. Before your own. That was success.

No.

F*cking.

Way.

As I’ve said countless times in this series:

YOU.

ALWAYS.

COME.

FIRST.

Even before your kids. Yes, I really said that. An unhappy mommy or daddy means unhappy kids. Trust me. If you’re drunk, half-dead, or suicidal, your kids will know, feel, and experience it. If you take care of yourself, everything else in your life falls into place. So be careful and evaluate where you came from, how you were raised, and what your mindset about love is before or as you date because I assure you, it WILL affect you and keep coming up in your (love) life in the form of recurring patterns.

31. Know Your Own Insecurities Before Dating

If something bothers you, don’t get into a relationship with someone who would exacerbate those feelings. For instance, if you’re not comfortable with your date/potential partner interacting with or having friends with the sex of their (sexual/romantic) preference, then it might not be a good idea to continue or pursue that relationship. In other words, (as I said before–don’t compare yourself to others!), if you feel insecure about yourself, specifically through your looks, and have to gain validation from your partner to feel good about yourself, stop! Find some self-love first before you add someone into your life.

You do NOT need words of affirmation from someone to be happy, feel validated, or to love yourself–especially, if you need to work on loving yourself.

Yes, words of affirmation is one of the five Love Languages, but your entire self-worth–whether you believe you are beautiful enough, worthy enough, or deserve love–should not solely rest on your partner and their opinions of you. Similarly, if you do not like your partner texting hearts or emojis to friends who are the same sex of their dating preference, or laughing and being flirty with their coworkers of that same sex and it makes you question your self-worth or value to them, it’s not a relationship that you should pursue.

If you really want that person, you need to work on building some self-confidence and trust first. Otherwise, your relationship will be fraught with doubt, mistrust, misunderstanding, insecurity, jealousy, and so much more other negative feelings that will only fester with time. If these feelings are never addressed or satisfactorily dealt with, they will eventually boil over and ruin what could have been a good thing. Do what you want and feel like, but be careful how your feelings and how negative emotions can ruin any relationship. You shouldn’t need to pursue a relationship or stay in one at the cost of your own comfort and happiness.

32. No One is Perfect. Even You.

I have said it before, but it wouldn’t hurt to repeat it again because it is important. Do not wait for the perfect time to date. In a similar fashion, you should not have to wait to be the perfect person in order to start dating.

You can still go out there and date with all your imperfections as long as you understand one thing: (like I mentioned above,) YOU have to be the one to face your own demons. No one should have to save you from your own problems.

Think about how un-cathartic it would have been if Ron Weasley had defeated Voldemort instead of Harry Potter, the title character. What if Timon battled Scar instead of Simba? Or Han Solo fighting Darth Vader rather than Luke doing it? If you want to be a bad-ass human being, knock all your life’s problems down yourself. Don’t sit there and wait for someone else to come save you.

Self-improvement is a journey you walk on your own, but it doesn’t have to be a lonely one. You’re allowed to have a partner, a friend, a lover beside you.

Likewise, things out of your control shouldn’t hinder you from going out there and dating, too. So if you’ve been laid off because of the pandemic–it’s not your fault. You still deserve love. It’s only if you’re a lazy bum who refuses to ever go outside or do anything useful, worthwhile, or even try to experience life that that becomes a problem. Although, I do have to say that with the surges of COVID-19 happening throughout America right now, I think it might be best to stay home, improve/focus on yourself, and/or take a break from dating. For your safety. Hey, don’t ruin or risk your health right now. Workout, find a new hobby, catch up with friends and family. Be creative, stay active, and protect your health!

Anyway, going back to my point. People can accompany you on your journey to self-improvement and defeating your demons to add joy and positivity to your life and to support you. BUT, do NOT depend on them to make you happy or to find your OWN happiness. You can rely on their support, strength, help, and presence, but not their effort to make you happy. Happiness, contentment, and fulfillment should come from within.

Remember, though, that you do not have to be perfect to date; nonetheless, if your baggage spreads to and hurts other people like a virus, negatively affecting them, it’s time to think about pulling out from the dating game because innocent people do not deserve to be hurt like that. They have every right to find their own happiness and love, too, free from unnecessary problems and drama caused by broken people.

Finally, on a lighter note, do yourself a favor and realize that you and your date are not and do not have to be perfect. Remember, the list that you made as I suggested in Lesson 20? That is supposed to be used to help you find your partner via characteristics and traits you want in them, but again, realize that they are, at the end of the day, human. Your date is a human, too. So they’ll (of course) make mistakes (like you!). Now, hopefully, that mindset will take off the stress from dating. That way you can both focus on having fun and letting events occur naturally. And if you do mess up, who cares? Laugh it off! Remember, you can only have fun if you’re not anxious and laughing/smiling. So enjoy yourself 🙂 You deserve it! Dating is about you, too, after all.

That will be it for Part 4. Thank you for reading! You can check out Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3 by clicking on those links/words. Click here for Part 5! You can subscribe to my blog to never ever miss a post. Please stay safe and healthy during this pandemic, guys! As always, comment below or share your thoughts via my email if you have any!

The 75+ Lessons You Should Know Before Dating (Part 4)