Loving yourself and finding your worth and purpose is one of the best GIFTS you can give to yourself.

Hi everyone! We’re back with Part 5 of my “The 75+ Lessons You Should Know Before Dating” blog series. Today, we’ll cover the next part of the series: What Happens During Dating, specifically…

Boundaries.

However, before we start, here’s a recap:

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

You can click on each lesson to go to its respective post for more details and explanation. All right, we’ll dive right in.

33. Never Change Your Boundaries For ANYONE

This includes family, friends, and your dates. So, for instance, if you are not comfortable with kissing someone on the first date, yet the other person says something like, “look, I just want to see if there’s chemistry,” leave that person.

Your (future) partner should always–and I mean always, always, ALWAYS consider your comfort level and safety. At. All. Times.

No exceptions! Anyone who doesn’t consider that, or understand or respects how you feel and puts themselves in your shoes, deserves a quick boot out of your life.

I don’t care how beautiful, handsome, sexy, or smart that person is.

If your answer is “no” the first time, it remains “no” until you give permission.

Think of it this way: if you opened the door to your place and a stranger who happened to be beautiful or handsome stood outside, would you just invite them straight into your house, no questions asked?

I hope the answer is no.

You have to exercise safety precautions for yourself, regardless of whether a person is good-looking or not. Thus, you might ask the stranger why they are there in front of your door, at the very least. Similarly, just because a guy or girl is super hot, does not mean you should be willing to toss your boundaries out the door just to win them over, get validation, or appease them. If you won’t let a stranger into your home just because they are attractive, why would you let a stranger into your heart just because they are attractive?

The reason I bring this up is because a lot of people fall into the trap of letting “attractive” people walk over them and take advantage of them simply because of one thing: the person they were dating was/is genetically more “blessed” than others are.

You’ve probably heard an exchange like this below before:

“Why did you let him/her verbally abuse you?”

“Because I love him/her.”

It might be that. OR (or even “and”, too), you get validation from a hot guy or girl being in a relationship with you or dating you. Thus, because you want to keep him or her around to continue getting that validation, you just tolerate their bad behavior because of your self-esteem issues and/or lack of boundaries.

That’s why I said before in Part 1 Lesson 4: Love Yourself BEFORE Dating. If you do (or when you do), you’ll know that you don’t deserve and should not tolerate ANY bad behavior from your date, partner, and anyone in life for the matter, whether good-looking or not, because you deserve basic respect and dignity ALWAYS, at the very least. With a strong sense of self-love, you will be able to create boundaries for yourself that will prevent you from having to tolerate or from surrounding yourself with horrible people.

If you set boundaries for yourself, stick to them no matter who you come into contact with, too.

Always have your guard up and protect yourself. Be very careful with people who have good looks; just because they are “attractive,” does NOT mean they have your best interest in mind or are a good person. Ted Bundy was so-called “handsome” (personally, he was whatevers to me) and look how he used it to sway all his victims. Don’t let looks persuade you to drop your guard. Stay sharp and look out for yourself. Be careful!

Another thing I want to stress is to…

stick to your guns.

When you are rigid and strict with your boundaries, never wavering from them, you protect yourself, your safety, and your heart. Because trust me, there are bad people who can sniff out if you’re weak, shaky, or doubtful about holding your ground. Be firm, stick to it, and don’t falter.

If you can’t protect and look out for yourself, who else will?

You most likely won’t bring your parents on your dates. At least I hope not. And sure, sometimes you can have your friends there to accompany you on the first several or few dates by being present somewhere in the restaurant or cafe for safety reasons and moral support. However, they won’t be there when you’re alone with your date later on, you know, making out on the sofa at your or their place.

What will you do when they push for something you don’t want? Or are not comfortable with? Who will stand up for you then?

It must be you. It has to be you.

So figure out what your boundaries are and make sure you hold yourself to them, like how you would hold your date to your standards. Don’t change them for anybody. Remember, no exceptions! Don’t let anyone take advantage of you. And please don’t change in the name of “love” or infatuation.

Let me also share a personal experience. I once was pressured into a sexual interaction that I was not comfortable with at all. When I had told my friends what had happened, they had all told me that they had wished that they had been there to pull me out of the situation. However, it did not matter how much they had wanted to help me.

What mattered was that at that time, I had not loved myself enough and had not kept firm to my boundaries.

Do NOT just tolerate anything either because you want to believe the person who you’re dating is a good person. You never know anyone until you spent a lot of time with them–but more on that later. So please, take it from me: establish boundaries and guard them well. Don’t end up like me and be coerced or pressured into something you will regret later in life. You won’t have friends around you all the time.

So when all you have is you, make sure you’re strong enough to say “no” or that you will be wise enough never to get yourself in my position.

In summary,

love yourself
have boundaries
stick to them, and
do not change them for ANYONE

34. KNOW Your Worth AND Purpose

You have to love yourself to KNOW what you deserve. That way, you will know what you can tolerate and for you to have worthy standards. Trust me on this. I originally did not see myself as beautiful or worthy of love. I had even thought I had to settle with just anyone who can spare me any attention. That led me to interacting with terrible men with awful intentions and horrible personalities. Sure, I realized I had lots of childhood traumas, issues with how I was raised, and problems within myself, but I am currently working on it.

BOTTOM LINE: find yourself, love yourself, and value yourself, so that when you go out there and enter the brutal Dating Game, you can at least filter through all the horrible people out there; you’ll be able to focus your energy on better, more worthy people and not waste your time.

If you love, appreciate, and cherish yourself, you will find that you would never stand to waste a single second with crappy people who wouldn’t give two sh*ts about you; see you only as a good f*ck; or think that they can play, trick, or fool you. Once you fall in love with yourself and know you deserve someone who will value you and cherish you as much as you should yourself, you will be able to see those bad people from a mile away. You’ll be able to distinguish them from the mass of potential people you will or can date. This, I promise you.

Loving yourself and finding your worth and purpose is one of the best GIFTS you can give to yourself.

Not only will it help you wade through the sea of disastrous daters, but you will feel infinitely better about yourself. Your body and soul will feel light and there will be this sense of giddiness, peace, fulfillment, and satisfaction inside of you. You will sometimes smile for no reason. And although, yes, we are social creatures, you might find that being alone isn’t the end of the world; that your presence by yourself isn’t the worst thing possible, but rather, can actually be an enjoyable experience or even become a favorite pastime.

Therefore, love yourself. Find your worth and purpose. The world and your life will feel different and better when you do. It’s a promise.

35. Do NOT Let Others Control or Pressure You Because YOU Have to Deal with the Results

As I said in my personal story up above, I was coerced into sex. I wasn’t comfortable doing it without a condom because I was afraid of getting pregnant and contracting an STD (Sexually Transmitted Disease, for anyone out there who don’t know). Still, I was talked into it (and even physically forced into it), even when I was not comfortable with the idea.

At that time, I was easily manipulated and did not commit to my boundaries either (see? that’s why boundaries and sticking to them is important!). Now I am wiser. My point, though, is to never let anyone pressure you into anything you don’t want or are not comfortable with. Because firstly, they have now established a level of control over you and you have enabled them by letting them cross that line you should have never let them toe over. And second of all, now you have to deal with the results.

I was lucky. I didn’t get pregnant, for one; and two, when I went to get tested twice (yes, you can call me paranoid, but it’s my health and I only have one), I was relieved to find that I had not contracted an STD from that encounter either. However, had I did, I could have ruined my life. That is what I mean by YOU (or me) having to deal with the results.

He had pressured me into sex, but I would be the one who would have to deal with an unplanned and unwanted pregnancy and/or live with an STD.

Do NOT let anyone pressure you into doing something YOU do NOT want to do. Don’t let them take advantage of you, persuade you, and/or pressure you. Because then, like a weed or a parasite, they take root into your life and it’s hard to remove them and their influence. Moreover, it’s your LIFE that is affected.

With my experience, I could have contracted an STD and it could have been anything! It could have been something mild like chlamydia. Or it could have been something permanent such as HIV (Human Immunodeficiency Virus) which can be fatal if left untreated. Or you would be forced to take a pill to control its effects on your body everyday for the rest of your life.

Or you could stay with someone who is abusive and come out from that relationship having been mentally and/or physically traumatized. And just WHO will have to deal with that for the rest of their life? Not your date.

YOU.

You will. So take care of you. Do not let ANYONE take advantage of you and talk you into ANYTHING you are not a) comfortable with and b) especially something you do

NOT

Want.

To.

Do.

Please, take my warning seriously.

36. You Can Judge Someone and Their Character by How They Act When They Are Angry

Pay attention to your date if they ever get angry; you’re getting a blessing in disguise because it will help you see just who they truly are. When I refused sex and pushed the guy I had been seeing off of me because I was scared, he got angry with me. Now, he didn’t curse or yell at me; still, he got angry with me. No “hey, what happened?” or “are you okay?” or “what’s wrong?” No, I got a lecture about what not to do during sex.

Yes. That actually happened.

You know what that meant though? He only cared about what he wanted. Not my safety or my comfort level. Stay away from people like that. Love yourself enough to get out of situations like that. Do NOT make excuses for them either. If they care about their pleasure and happiness only and believe it trumps yours and your BASIC human needs, get the heck out of there!

I’M NOT KIDDING.

This advice does not only apply to sex and intimate acts. Simple circumstances such as how your date treats the waiter/waitress if they got their order wrong is also another great opportunity to check out their personality and character.

37. Understand and Figure Out the Difference Between Value and Cherish Versus Attraction and Lust

I learned this the hard way. Someone can think you’re hot, pretty, gorgeous, and/or a good “lay.” Sure, it might sound like a compliment–that you’re “beautiful” enough, desirable, and/or attractive enough for a good ol’ Netflixing and cuddling session or fest.

However, that does NOT mean they care about you. Or your feelings, your health, and even your well-being.

You might just be a fun play thing to pass their time as they find someone else they would rather be in a relationship with. In this case, they are using you to help them with their boredom. That’s it. Yes, it hurts to be used as a way to pass the time. That’s why, don’t let yourself be used like that–unless you’re cool with it! Otherwise, try to figure out a way to prevent that from happening though and from hurting yourself.

One suggestion I would offer is to make it clear from the start what you want. And yes, having boundaries and guarding them tirelessly, consistently, and firmly will help.

38. Know the Difference Between Having Kindness / Empathy / Compassion Versus Being a Doormat

As I said in Part 4, do not set yourself on fire to keep someone warm. You can be kind, but watch out for instances when you are being or can be taken advantage of. Again, have boundaries. Be wise enough to know when someone deserves to receive your kindness, empathy, and/or compassion. Don’t give it out for free and don’t give it out like it’s unlimited.

Look, even kids who sell lemonade charge you. If they can be young and innocent, but know that this world is all about giving and taking, don’t hurt yourself dishing out kindness for free ALL the time.

Yes, the world needs kind people, but don’t break your heart and sacrifice your own happiness, health, and well-being for the sake of others. What I am trying to say is, don’t be a people-pleaser and get yourself walked all over on. In essence, do not be a blind fool. Not all people are nice or will care even a little bit about you. You can reason it and say they deserve kindness because no one has given it to them. Or anything else. However, some people are just pure evil and will smugly laugh at your “foolish” ways.

We already have too many broken people in this harsh world. Your kindness is appreciated, but be careful who you give it to. Because I don’t want one less kind person and one more broken, jaded, and cynical person in this world who was hurt by a selfish, unkind, and inconsiderate person. Ultimately, you can be kind, but don’t do it to please others, and I beg you,

please don’t become a doormat.

Remember: boundaries.

If you love yourself, you wouldn’t let someone spit on or wipe their feet on you, would you? So why do that if you’re in a relationship? Be kind, but look out for yourself, too.

39. If Someone Did Something / Said Something Hurtful to You and Said “Just Kidding” to Downplay Your Reaction or Their Actions/Wrongdoing, Leave Them

Ever had someone say “just kidding” after they said an offensive comment to you and saw your negative response or reaction? If you won’t tolerate your friends and/or family saying awful things to you (at least I hope you don’t) and then playing it off as a joke, then why would you let your potential romantic partner do that to you?

Don’t let anyone joke like that with you. Jokes can be fun, but should not be offensive, disrespectful, and at your expense. I would also say be careful with someone passing off their hurtful, stupid comments as a “joke.” Although, I would also argue that it’s better off that you just drop them. If you’re kinder and more patient than me and would at least like to discuss it and try to resolve it at first, go ahead. However, in my case, I didn’t think it was necessary.

Remember that guy I had talked about above who I had been seeing? I was showing him pictures of my family. And he told me that I should ask my sister to participate in a threesome with us. Look, some people may be comfortable with that and props to them. I applaud their openness and proud sexuality. Despite that, I am not them; therefore, I am not comfortable nor do I like or want to participate in that. When I confronted him about how that suggestion weirded me out, he played it off and lied to me that it was a joke. At the time, I had believed him. Hindsight really is a beautiful thing when you can see that you were effing dumb for believing him.

Point is, don’t let anyone pass off a hurtful joke and make you to be the fool or the “sensitive” one; and please, don’t let them get away with it.

Once they cross your line, they’ll do it again. It’s the manipulator’s playbook. You enable their behavior, too, if you don’t put a stop to it the first few times. No consequences, no “no’s,” means “yes” to these kinds of people. If they lie to you once and see no consequence for their actions, what would stop them from doing it again? Make them accountable for their wrongdoings and bad behavior, or leave. You don’t need to tolerate or have to deal with people like that; it’s not worth your time, mental health, or energy.

40. There is a Difference Between Conceding and Compromising

People say that relationships are all about compromising. However, there is a difference between compromising and conceding. And just what is conceding?

Surrendering.

Don’t surrender to your partner or date. First of all, you should not even be conceding to a date/someone you’re seeing. You’re not even official at that point yet, so why are you or would you be surrendering your rights, your individuality, and/or yourself to someone who is practically a stranger? Or someone you barely know? And even if you did know them, why are you giving up on yourself?

Do NOT surrender, or concede, to anyone.

Especially to someone you’re getting to know. And do NOT surrender yourself to someone who you are in a relationship with, either. So, basically, yes, NEVER surrender yourself to anyone at any time. Ever!

Don’t lose who you are and what defines YOU to be with someone.

Because if they leave, who are you now without them?

41. Do NOT Ever Compromise Early, ESPECIALLY If You’re Not Official Yet

You can either bow down to the power of your date/partner and give into all of their demands, agreeing to things that you aren’t comfortable with because you’re scared of getting into trouble or getting into confrontations with them.

Or. You can be brave, stand your ground, speak up, and voice your dissatisfaction, disapproval, and/or unhappiness.

Remember, like I said in Part 4:

Make yourself happy first before you focus or consider other people’s happiness.

You

always

come

first.

Period.

Always remember that. If there’s ONE thing I want you to take away from all these lessons, it’s that:

YOU MATTER FIRST.

I’m not saying be selfish and put yourself first at the expense of others and hurting them. No, that’s NOT what I meant!

It’s that you should make sure you are not sacrificing your happiness and well-being for others unnecessarily and unwisely.

Don’t be a narcissistic and be evil, either.

You can look out for yourself without hurting others.

Be smart, be kind, and be considerate enough to figure out that delicate balance.

42. There is a Difference Between Compromise and Compatibility

Yes, relationships are about compromising, meeting halfway, and sacrificing the small stuff (NOT your individuality—remember??). But you have to be smart about when and what you are compromising about.

Think about the future.

Will you resent your partner because you gave up something you’re not going to be happy about in the long run? Will they resent you for making them do something they didn’t want to or them not being able to do something because of you? If it’s a deal breaker, you should really think about whether the relationship is worth it or not anymore at this point.

This is why I prefer to talk about deal breakers early on when dating. You prevent yourself from investing too much or too early into something that might inevitably fail.

For instance, if you really want that last piece of chocolate cake, but you know your partner has been having a bad day, you can make a small sacrifice like that (giving them that last tasty piece of cake) to brighten their mood. One minor sacrifice of a short-term happiness (your enjoyment of that last bite). Now, how about if they wanted a child and you didn’t? Or vice versa? Something huge such as a baby is a deal breaker. Bringing it into the world will cause one of you to feel resentment for the other if it’s something only one of you wanted.

This also applies for careers and future plans. One person may want to move overseas or chase after big opportunities outside their little town or bubble, while the other wants to remain in the same place where they are already established. Can you guys decide what to do? Should one person hold the other person back? Should someone stay back for someone else at the cost of their own lifelong dreams? Is it worth the sacrifice?

If you need advice or a refresher on how to deal with Deal Breakers, click on this link to Part 3 of this blog series. It will be under Lesson #20: Lists are Important.

Therefore, on major life decisions made together, you both must be on the same page and be COMPATIBLE. These big issues generally include babies, finances, raising kids, career choices, living situation, traveling, spending expenses, alone time, hobbies, religion, politics, and whatever you want to put on this list!

The main idea is that you have to decide if it is a deal breaker and if it’s something that requires compromise or is a compatibility issue.

If compromising on it means making either of you unhappy long-term, then it’s a compatibility issue and you both need to decide if the relationship is worth continuing or pursuing. That ultimate decision needs to be discussed and resolved between you two. No one else should influence that final decision.

Just remember though: you should NEVER sacrifice your dreams or >>yourself<< to love someone else.

You will be left confused, unhappy, unfulfilled, and resentful one day.

43. Be Careful with Emotional Manipulators and/or Gaslighters

Oh, these people know how to turn any situation or problem into something that works in their favor. They know how to–or have this weird gift of being able to–shift what you saw and manipulate it to make themselves the victim, changing your perception of what had really happened. They make you question your sanity, the correctness of your own five senses, and what you believe.

That is why you should make sure you are firm with your beliefs, standards, and love for yourself.

Leaving them, too, doesn’t hurt. However, I don’t want to keep advising people to leave others. Although, maybe emotional manipulators and gaslighters aren’t the best people to be around, let alone, be in a relationship with.

When you’re equipt with all three and they are all based on solid, strong foundation–nothing can shake them, your resolve, your stance, and your nerves! It’ll be harder to take advantage of, manipulate, and/or mess with you.

Be strong, stay vigilant, and love yourself a lot and you’ll be able to take on anything out there!

Remember: love yourself, have boundaries, and defend them well!

That will be it for this week! Thank you for reading this post and I hope you guys enjoyed it. Please let me know what you think by reacting or commenting below! I’m always down to discuss relationship topics, so if something doesn’t make sense to you, or you disagree, or even if you want me to elaborate more on why I say what I said, we can always talk more down in the Comments section.

Next time I will talk about SEX in Part 6, so click on the link to check it out! If you do not want to miss any post, please subscribe to this blog! If you missed Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, or Part 4, please click on the links and you will be taken directly there! Happy reading and stay safe and healthy!

The 75+ Lessons You Should Know Before Dating (Part 5)