Everyone has different preferences, different opinions, and different experiences. Everyone has different things that make them happy and finding a relationship is about finding someone who makes YOU happy. So YOU create the rules.

Welcome back! Today will be Part 3 of our “The 75+ Lessons You Should Know Before Dating” series.

Here’s a recap of what we have covered so far:

Part 1

Part 2

You can click on each Lesson Number so you can be taken to the corresponding post. You will find a detailed explanation for each lesson right underneath each one. Therefore, do not judge each lesson title at face value. Please see my explanation for each first before you chose to agree or disagree with them.

Note that these lessons are based on my experiences, those of other people close to me who I have discussed them with, and from all the research I have done from others online. Of course, I am open to constructive criticism and more discussions with people–I enjoy seeing other perspectives and learning from others’ experiences–so please feel free to comment below to share me your thoughts!

17) Do Not Compare Your Dating Timeline to Others

I had my first boyfriend when I was seventeen. However, I never went on an actual date with him. He never took me anywhere so all we did was hold hands at school. As I began actually dating/seeing people in my twenties, I had thought that I was behind my peers. Many of my friends had started dating in their teens. They had went to fancy restaurants, had their first kiss, and some have even gotten married in their early twenties. I felt that there was something wrong with me and that maybe I should have spent some time in my younger years pursuing dates.

However, now I realized and I am sooo happy I didn’t date in my teens. I’m happy didn’t make it my priority or primary focus in my younger years. One because it allowed me to focus on other things such as school and my passions. And two, it gave me time to learn more about myself, focus on myself, and be comfortable being on my own. I’m relieved that being single allowed me time to focus on my individuality; there’s the rest of my life to be a couple with somebody, but only so much time to be spent on my own–which is right now! And I am also content that I am now happy being single, that I was never defined by a relationship during my early 20s.

Although I say this, I know what I had said in my last post. Last time, I did talk about how we should have some dating experience (specifically before you’re in your 30s) because while I advocate that people shouldn’t primarily focus on dating, that it doesn’t matter what time you date in your life (it’s never too late!), and to date whenever you’re comfortable–I want to stress that people are more forgiving of you when you’re younger and are making silly mistakes than when you’re like 35 making an obviously sad one (not that you should care about what other people think of you though!).

For instance, a woman on the internet recounted a time when she had went on a date with a guy who was in his early thirties. The guy had brought his parents with him for that first date. The mother had actually cut her son’s steak for him during the date. This is a silly mistake because while I don’t know if this couple is American or not, from what I know living in America, is that I am pretty sure that 99% of people would NEVER want to meet the parents of their date on the VERY first date; witness the mother cutting steak for a full grown adult man; and be 30+ years old and not realize that that is a big no-no. You can call my judgmental, but I am pretty confident many people will agree with me.

18) There’s Nothing Wrong with Being Single; Learn and Have Fun as You Date

In the previous lesson, I had said that I was happy I didn’t define my youth by being focused on relationships. However, I do want to clarify that I am in no way bashing or criticizing people who did do what I didn’t. It’s great that you wanted to date. It just didn’t work for me and my lifestyle. But if it does/did for you, all the more power to you. Everyone’s different and like the lesson above, do not compare your dating timeline to mine or anyone else’s. Do what’s best for you. It’s great to be single, to be out there challenging yourself to meet new people on a constant basis, to flirt it up with other singles, and to have fun! That’s the wonderful part of being young! You’re learning as you experience all that. Which brings us to our next related lesson…

19) There’s No Right Way to Date

In fact, there’s no right way to be in a relationship either. Okay, OBVIOUSLY you have to trust, respect, and communicate with your date/partner (which I will get into more later in a future post). However, for the most part, when I say there are no rules in dating, there really is none!

Some people say that you should know someone for a while first, get to know them a bit better, obtain a level of comfort with them before you commit to becoming an official couple. Others are already official by Week 2 of knowing/seeing each other. Some people say the first date should be an hour; you know, just in case they’re not who you thought they were and you want to be able to leave without hurting anyone’s feelings. Meanwhile, there are others who spend the entire day with their date because the conversations just flow and the sparks were flying! Some people say you should know your partner for at least 2 years before getting married to them; while other people get married within months of knowing each other! The bottom line is this: it depends on you, your partner, and your guys’ chemistry.

What works for one couple, may work for another–or it might not work at all! It depends on who is in the partnership and their life choices, experiences, and commitment to each other.

It’s about compatibility, comfort, communication, and chemistry–all of which I will discuss more in detail and in depth in a future post. I’ll link it here in the future when I get to it!

When I say that there are no rules to dating, it means that something such as you wanting to ask serious questions on the first date should not be a problem. For instance, I am not into casual dating; I am dating to eventually be in a long-term relationship. Therefore, in order to save people’s time; to avoid getting emotionally invested with a potentially unsuccessful date; and to save myself from heartbreak, I make sure (for myself!) that on the very first date, the person I am with does not have any (or many) of my deal breakers. That means I am asking questions about their personal life, what they want in the future, and other deep questions, such as what their passions are. Hence, questions such as if they believe in marriage, if they want kids in the future, if their job requires travel or remains in one location are not off the table.

Some people may argue that I am getting ahead of myself. Others may say it might be too serious or too personal on a first date. A few will even say I’m treating the date like an interview. However, I know what I want and I don’t want to waste my or the other person’s time by continuing a relationship that is already obviously doomed. Why string along someone who will never be compatible with you? I personally do not want to date someone for 5 years and right before marriage realize that I don’t want kids while he does. Wouldn’t that be a waste of time?

Basically, it’s a matter of personal preference.

I might meet someone who thinks like me and who does the same. We’ll hit it off and be together. And if my date doesn’t agree with my tactics, it’s not a loss. I just then realize that this person isn’t for me. And it will be okay. Remember: preference.

Thus, it’s the same for you. Whatever you do during your dating journey–as long as it respects the other party!–works for you and only you. It will be in your best interest because hey, only you can look out for yourself. You will be the person choosing who you’ll date and you will be the person dealing with who you chose. If you want to ask about deal breakers on the first date, you do it; if you don’t, that’s cool too! It’s YOUR preference.

Of course, if you’re out there to have fun and not taking dating seriously, that’s your decision and you’re entitled to that right to do as you please. That’s why there are no rules in dating!

I do want to point out, though, that whether you are dating casually or seriously, you will eventually and inevitably come to the time when you must discuss the topic of deal breakers. I suggest that before you ever become official with or commit to someone, it is best to make sure you are both on the same page. So one day, have that conversation and straight up ask the other person what they are looking for when you both do decide on becoming official and establishing a serious relationship together. Do NOT make the mistake of knowing each other for years and then eventually realizing your partner doesn’t believe in marriage when you do, or that you do not want kids and they do. You do not want to spend so much time investing emotionally and creating all these memories, so that when it ends over something that could have been discussed sooner, the heartbreak could have been avoided.

And also, please do NOT try to make the other person change. People change on their own accord and it’s better that they choose to change rather than having a change be forced upon them.

Therefore, if your partner is adamant about marriage, but you’d rather be committed to them than have your relationship be defined by paper, them forcing you into a marriage you did not want–or into anything you don’t want–will only create resentment. This negative feeling will only fester and boil over until you guys eventually break up. Hey, some people can avoid the break up by choosing to just deal with it, but how much does complete happiness mean to you? Are you just settling or tolerating at that point? Do you think that is a healthy attitude to have for a relationship? Can you stand having resentment for your partner while still being able to love and stay with them just to avoid a break up?

You deserve someone who is on the same page as you, so be careful when to bring this conversation up (deal breakers). Do NOT be afraid of getting serious or opening up because your future and happiness are on the line.

PREP WORK

I am pretty sure that you are reading this blog because you are serious about dating and want to have a successful relationship. Well, just like anything worthwhile in life, there will be some steps you need to take and time you need to be willing to spend in order to prepare yourself for that success. We are successful in anything we put our hearts and minds to when we dedicate time and effort to it. And just like how that statement applies to any aspect in our life, dating is the same.

To have a successful relationship, you need to invest time and effort, specifically, time and effort into preparing for it. The following are some great lessons I have learned about necessary prep work you need to take to make your relationship hopefully last.

NOTE: I cannot guarantee success. All I can do is give you lessons I learned, personally and from others, to help you!

20) Lists Are Important

Lists are important because our brain deals with so much (remembering and thinking) already that having something written down and physically seeing it with our own eyes (instead of racking our poor brains all the time for that information) is always a great, helpful strategy and better for the mind overall.

I have 2 types of lists I would recommend to you before you date. Again, this is not a map or a guaranteed method to success for dating. This is just a suggestion to help guide your dating process.

And the first one is…

A “Checklist”

I’ll come up with a better name in the future and will probably come back to edit this; my point is that it’s a list to help you pick the qualities you want and do not want in your future spouse or partner.

Again, I want to stress that (like I said in my first dating post), humans are multi-dimensional creatures. We cannot conveniently fit into boxes, none of us are “pre-made” for someone else, and we all have our own brains and life experiences that have shaped us each into who we are.

Therefore, think of these lists as a way to help you filter through the dating world while you fish through the pool of potentials for the person you’re going to eventually date and possibly spend the rest of your life with. This list will also help you decide what you want from the get-go, so you don’t waste time trying to figure it out as you go. Not that you shouldn’t keep your mind open to change, differences, and new experiences either! However, it will physically help you see everything you do and do not want; that way, your brain doesn’t have to remember all this information for every date and you have a solid list of must haves and no-nos! It will be a helpful tool for you to continuously refer back to before you date, while you date, or before you commit to becoming official with someone.

Warning: no one will have 100% of the qualities you will put on this list; but hopefully they won’t have any–or very few–of the qualities you do NOT want in a partner.

Although, if something is a deal breaker, hell, get rid of that person! Or if you can or if possible, maybe tolerate it. But NOT at your mental, physical, or emotional health and expense. Remember, this list is not a Bible to Dating. You can treat it that way if you want, but what I mean is nothing on here except for the list of Deal Breakers should be set in stone.

Anyway, here’s the first list’s format:

So, obviously, in the “Must Haves” column, you put what qualities you want in your partner. It can be anything you want–within reason please! Whatever is humanly possible, you can put here. Also, please do not put something you, yourself, will not do. For instance, if you’re lazy and want someone to clean after you, putting down “maid” is not cool. Moreover, if you expect your partner to be a model/body builder, but you do not even eat properly, take care of yourself, or walk more than fifty steps a day, we have bigger issues than dating.

Your next column are your “Deal Breakers.” Put all the qualities you do not want in your partner here under this column. Don’t want a child in the future? Make sure you put down that your partner would not want any kids in the future themselves or that they do not already have kids that you might have to co-care/co-parent for.

And lastly, our “Nice to Have” column, where if your partner had this, yes, it would be nice, but it’s not ABSOLUTELY necessary for them to have in order to become your partner.

To give an example just to ensure understanding, for the “Must Haves” column, I would put something like “hygienic” or “independent.” Why? Because I have known guys who do not wash their hands after using the bathroom which for me grosses me out. Aaaand I also know a couple of guys who are in their late twenties and have never had a real job, drove a car, or could make a phone call to their own doctor by themselves without their mother doing it for them.

So yeah, that’s something I need for sure: “hygiene” and “independence.” For you, it could be something similar or something different like “cleanliness” or “funny.” What matters is that it matches YOU and YOUR preference. Don’t worry, only you will see this; so put whatever you want and again–whatever that is in reason.

For my “Deal Breakers” column, I’d put characteristics such as “abusive” or “closed-mindedness.” And as for “Nice to Have,” I’d totally feel like it’s Christmas if I had a partner who has a nice back or had the same interests as me. See what I mean?

Do NOT use this list to restrict yourself though! Stay open-minded because sometimes life’s greatest surprises make living more worthwhile. If you fell in love with someone you didn’t expect or who wasn’t your “type,” but who you guys just clicked–why not, right? Wouldn’t that be a great story to tell at your wedding, your anniversary milestone parties, or to your descendants?

Personally, I like this list because it helps put things into perspective. For instance, if you seriously value a person with a sense of humor, the list will help you not settle for someone who can never make you laugh. Remember, you can refer to this list at any time (it’s yours, for goodness sake!)–before or during dating, or right before committing to a relationship or even marriage! You won’t be wasting time on seeing someone who doesn’t have your valued trait(s) if you at least are aware of what you’re trying to search for. So save yourself some time, emotional investment, and heartbreak. This is a date-smarter tactic.

Take it from me: when things between my date and me had ended, I had been heartbroken. However, the list helped me realize something: the guy I had been seeing only had 2-3 qualities on my list of “Must Haves.” So why the heck should I cry for him, mourn the loss of that relationship, or be heartbroken, you know? Why should I miss someone who only has a couple of traits that I want in a partner? The list helps soothes your heartache and helps you move on faster, too (: (Oh and by the way, he had a LOT of deal breakers for any of you guys wondering).

One final reminder: your partner is a human being and most likely will NOT have EVERY single trait on your list, so be careful between the “Must Haves” and “Nice to Have” columns.

Prioritize what you value more at the top of each column or in the “Must Haves” column!

However, the more they check off (especially for the “Must Haves” column), the more exciting your dating experience will be as time goes on and the more confident you can be on taking the relationship to a higher, deeper, and more serious level. So, seriously, this list helps! Try it out and let me know if it helps you, too!

NOTE: if you are the lucky few who found someone who has every single quality that you want in a partner for both the “Must Haves” and “Nice to Have” columns on this list, well, you’ve proved me wrong. Let me know in the comments if you do though!

Now, my second list that I would recommend everyone to have, or at least to be aware of when dating is…

Red Flags

You need to know what a red flag is and what are some of the most common ones because when you know about them, you will actively (or SHOULD actively) seek them during your dates/dating experience. This awareness of red flags will help and prevent you from being in compromising positions and/or getting into toxic relationships.

Maybe I will make a separate post on Red Flags, but 5 of the most common red flags that I can think of off the top of my head are:

Fresh from a Relationship: You do not want to date someone who has just broken up with someone else or divorced someone else in the last 6 months. Why? Because they still might have lingering feelings for their ex, are still dealing with potentially unresolved emotions, and/or are using you as a rebound (a.k.a a replacement for their ex).
Liar: Why would you want to date someone who lies to you? Do you not value truth?
Disrespectful: Why would you also want to date someone who does not respect you at all?
Really Clingy: As in, they do not leave you alone. Ever. At All. Or even just for a little bit. You did not text back after 30 minutes–they call you and ask if you are/have been kidnapped. Trust me, I met someone like that.
Unrealistic Expectations: Someone who demands that you impress their 1,000 friends on social media when you guys become official. Yeah, no. Do not stick around with that kind of person. That’s a fake, superficial relationship right there.

Red flags are important to know and important to look for because these are repetitive behavioral patterns that will trigger your intuition, body’s alarm bells, and gut feeling. Red flags are fires you cannot put out and are something should NOT have to deal with to have a healthy, happy relationship. In other words, they are NOT your problems to own up to; they belong to your date and is something they should fix.

Which brings us to…

21) NEVER Ignore Red Flags

Seriously, do yourself a favor and educate yourself about red flags. Become familiar with as many as possible and actively search for them during your dates, so when you do see them (or even one!), you get out! And I mean it!

NEVER ignore a red flag or let even one slide.

I promise you: if you let a red flag slide (even one! I’m not even kidding), it will come back to bite you in the behind later. It will become a recurrent problem in the future. It most likely will end your relationship down the line. That is a truth. It is inevitable. It’s either you cut it off now when it’s still early to save yourself time and unnecessary heartbreak, OR you continue to tolerate it until you reach a breaking point. By then, it’s too late and you’ve done yourself the disservice of becoming more emotionally invested, which makes it even harder to break it off. It will be a toxic cycle–of knowing you should leave, but fighting with excuses such as “but I love them!” or “what about all the memories and time spent together!”

Take my experience as an example. I refused sex with a guy on the first date. He got angry with me for it. If a guy gets angry at you on the very first date (because you refused to have sex with him), he has already shown you his true colors (he’s pushy and does not respect your boundaries). You do not need to stay with him any longer to figure out how much worse it can get or being with him will get. As Maya Angelou has said, “when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” Don’t be a fool and stay to relearn the same lesson over and over again. Love yourself enough to know you deserve better than to deal with a red flag and have a strong self-esteem to know when to leave. Have self-respect and look out for yourself, your future, and your safety.

22) Trust Your Gut

Anything small can be a bad sign. One of my dates opened the door for me out of obligation. It wasn’t a genuine gesture because he didn’t look at me in the eye while doing it nor did he smile. I let it slide though wanting to get to know him first and see him for who he really was before passing final judgement. Boy, did I regret it.

What I want to say is: don’t let red flags slide, but pay attention to the small things, too. Be wary of them. These things won’t be red flags per say, but enough yellow flags will bring trouble as well. Pay attention to these small details and be concerned; be aware because they can offer you clues to how a person really is later on or who they truly are. Hindsight is really 20/20 when you realize it later on.

Another small thing that I had let slide on that same date was when I had told him about my dreams and aspirations. I had told the guy that I was a blogger and wanted to be an author in the future. He gave me this unimpressed, disapproving look as if I was wasting my time. Remembering back, that expression hurt me. However, I had pushed it aside thinking I was being too sensitive or that I was over-analyzing it. Now that I am no longer with him, I can now say that I should have left after such a (huge? small?) sign.

Don’t continue a date with someone like that.

If something is your passion and your date is not interested in it and/or does not want to learn more about it–already prejudging you, do yourself a favor and get out of there. There’s no point trying to impress someone, receive validation from someone like that, and/or force a relationship to work between you and that person. Remember, you deserve more than that–especially basic respect.

Therefore, trust your gut. That little voice you hear inside of you? That thing you feel in the pit of your stomach? Listen to it. It’s telling you something. And no one knows you better than YOU.

And by the way, if there is something you love to do or want to accomplish one day, the right person will respect you and ask you more about it. Not look down on you or judge you, and continue on the date out of politeness. Don’t try to make or force someone to like you for who you are. It’s not worth it.

It’s either they like you or they don’t. And if they don’t, who cares! You got more fish in the sea and you shouldn’t lose yourself, fake yourself, and/or be someone else to impress a loser who has no common courtesy to not wear such a rude, disrespectful, and apathetic expression on his face on your guys’ first date.

23) Have a Clear Idea of What You Want, but Do Not Go Out of Your Way to Get It

Basically, take your time and enjoy the process/journey of dating. The lists above in Lesson 20 are meant to be guides, filters, and tools for you to use. They are not laws like the Bible, the Ten Commandments, the Constitution, or anything set in stone. So let them assist you in finding a partner, but do not let them restrict you, pressure you, or take away the fun from dating. Moreover, do not be pressured to find someone by a certain time; for instance, before you turn 30, or before the holidays like Valentine’s because you’re scared of being lonely on that day. No.

Go out there, meet new people, develop relationships, let things work, and let things fail; we learn more when we make mistakes than when we are successful!

With this type of mindset, you’ll let something beautiful blossom, organically grow, and naturally work. Don’t force anything. Think of it like planting a seed. You may have a stick placed beside it to guide something like a tomato or flower to grow; you don’t, however, just sit there beside the plant, day in and day out, and yell at it to grow straight up. No, you let it grow as it is and then you enjoy it for what it is–be it a ripe fruit or a beautiful flower. Simple as that. You tend and nurture it as you let it grow on its own, and you admire it when it blossoms or ripens.

I will conclude this post here. Part 4 will be about Baggage During Dating, so click on the link to find out more! Please subscribe to this blog, so you never miss a post. Don’t worry, I do not spam and only send out emails when a new post is released every week or so. No advertisements!

If you have any comments or concerns, you can always post them below in the Comment section or email me personally. You can find different ways to contact me via the Contacts tab above.

Also, in light of these current times and events taking place in America, I would like to announce that Talk With Donuts supports equality for all citizens of America (and around the world), regardless of their background, race, and ethnicity. It is a human right to feel protected under the government and to be treated equally and humanely. Black Lives Matter, so please, support, donate, educate, and share anything you can to help black people and all people of color. Together, we can make the world a more accepting, better, and equal place. I believe in the young generation of today. If you do not accept the state of our conditions now, go out there and be the change. And you can bet that I’m doing that too in my own way. Stay safe everyone!

The 75+ Lessons You Should Know Before Dating (Part 3)