Dates. Married people are happy they don’t have to deal with them anymore and single people like them for two reasons. One, they make you feel special because someone is actually taking out a few hours of their life to make an effort to impress you and make you feel special, desirable, and have those fluttery butterfly feelings in your stomach. Two, it’s a great way to meet and get to know new people.
Disclaimer: All images used in this post do not belong to me. The featured image of this post is from Garfield.com. Also, this post is rated PG-13, so if you are sensitive to bad words, stay clear from this post. This is an expletive-laden post meant for humor and cathartic purposes. Only responsible adults are allowed past this point. You have been warned.
Dates.
Image from Pinterest
Married people are happy they don’t have to deal with them anymore and single people like them for two reasons. One, they make you feel special because someone is actually taking out a few hours of their life to make an effort to impress you and make you feel special, desirable, and have those fluttery butterfly feelings in your stomach. Two, it’s a great way to meet and get to know new people.
Well, I went on my first ever date this year as a mid-twenty year old.
Wait, what, Donuts?
You’re in your mid-twenties and you only just went on your first ever date this year?
Why?
What the freak is wrong with you?!
Okay, first off, ONE, there’s nothing wrong with me. I thought there was too, but you know what I figured? I had other BS that life kept throwing my way that I will discuss on another day and TWO, I’m an accomplisher (if that’s even a word…maybe a workaholic?). I like focusing on myself first and foremost. You know, grow and improve my character and life before I pull someone in for a joyride of hell or happiness, his choice. But again, that’s a story for another day.
Today, friends. Oh ho ho, today, my friends, I’m going to give you the juicy details of my first date ever and how it went wrong. Like horribly wrong. There were tears, there was a bit of yelling, and a LOT of disappointment. And there was also chicken nuggets too. Yum!
But let me give you guys some quick context first.
2019 has been a daring and eye-opening year for me.
I had always been against online dating, mainly for two reasons.
Yes, number one is the obvious. Because I had believed that online dating is kind of taboo. Everyone–or rather more precisely, some people I know, believe that if you’re turning to online dating websites and apps, you’ve probably failed at finding love in real life. Hah, look at that guy/girl. No one wants him/her in real life and now he/she is so desperate that he/she has to go find love online. At least, that’s what I had thought and heard in real life.
Two, I really wanted that stupid, cliche Hollywood-like moment of meeting someone in the cutest way possible. Come on, I’m not the only one who’s at least once dreamed of meeting their significant other through means such as ordering a coffee at a local cafe you visit on a regular basis. Then, one day–on a beautiful fated morning–you turned around after picking up your order to accidentally spill it on someone and they react poorly, but then you guys connect eyes and go, DA-YUM, you is fiiiiiiine!
Okay, maybe it doesn’t go like that.
However, we all–or most of us–want to meet the love of our life in the cutest, most romantic, and story-like way possible, right?
I mean what are you going to tell the grandchildren? “I met your grandfather besides a flaming dumpster smelling like rotting corpses on a rainy day in ripped underpants” or “goodness, child, I met your grandmother on a bright sunny day under a rainbow when I had tripped and fell after giving her one look.”
Anyway, back in March, while being bored as I web-surfed on my phone, I decided, “oh why the f*ck not” and opened a free Match.com account. I entered in my zip code and found some guys near me. None of them really caught my eye. However, on a second glance, the second guy suggested for me kinda looked cute.
Image from Match.com
I clicked on his profile and scanned through his bio. The guy had several nice pictures and was about four years older than me. He was into nightclubbing and volunteering. Huh, interesting. Those are polar opposite hobbies, I thought. In my mind, I didn’t think someone who looked like him and enjoyed nightclubbing would actually also enjoy volunteering.
Being the girl that I was, I hit up my friends and told them what I had done. My best girlfriend was so happy that I had become more open-minded to the idea of online dating and I surprised her by saying that I would totally hit him up. I just needed to pay money to be able to send him a message.
So I did.
BUT (yes, big “but”)! I had read that dating websites like to continue taking money from your bank account even after you cancelled or unsubscribed. In order to protect myself, I bought a prepaid card, so if the website kept trying to charge me, I’d lose tops $100, instead of some regular fee each month.
Anyway, long story short, I paid for the account and holy motherfudging sh*t–I kid you not, I realized that you can see who views your account and how long ago.
It had taken me about two days to go from making the free account to actually messaging him. Therefore, within those two days, he had probably seen this girl name Donuts (I didn’t post that specific name on my Match.com account) visiting his profile every hour or so.
What? Don’t judge me! If Facebook had that option, I bet none of you stalkers would be clicking on any of your crush’s accounts on your own damn accounts. In the meantime, you’d be begging your besties to do the stalking for you.
Image from XclusiveTouch
Or if you’re totally bad*ss, you’d stealthily go through your crush’s profile–one time only–screenshot-ing everything in your path just to prevent yourself from being discovered as the stalker you truly are. Then at night, while you think no one is watching, you’re taking your sweet*ss time swiping through your new treasure trove before you fall asleep thinking no one knows. But I know, and I see you people doing that. Don’t hide it.
So, I message him and within only three message bubbles, I figured out three things:
A) he wasn’t interested,
B) he had lied that he volunteers (that shouldn’t have surprised me), and
C) at least he was polite enough to entertain me by responding rather than ignoring my message.
That happened in March. Around July, I was attending my boss’s son’s wedding. Being the young person that I was, I thought, “hey, maybe I’ll meet someone here.”
I actually did.
And the guy I met there was a coworker who I had never met before because he was a seasonal and part-time worker.
Image from TheSpruce
He was charming, well-dressed, and had a nice sense of humor. From what my friends told me, he was a twenty-nine year old high school teacher who has been working at my high school for the past four years. Great, this guy has a passion, he has a job, and he’s most likely has had time to settle into his career. All green lights.
Problem was, my friend was there with me as a plus one. And guess what? He thought I was a lesbian.
Yup.
So here I was, trying to hit on a cute guy, only for him to think I was not interested in him because of different sexual preferences. I’m never taking that friend with me anymore (jkay).
Long story short, my other friend’s boyfriend was his best friend and later clarified to him that I was actually heterosexual. Thus, two weeks later, when I happened to get off work late, he found me and we interacted. From that five minute conversation, he became interested in me and asked my friend’s boyfriend for my number. Two days later, on a Friday night about ten minutes before ten, he texts me.
The conversation was insane. We talked about so much for three hours until he said he needed to sleep for a basketball game the next morning. I was a little disheartened because I didn’t mind staying up late even though I had plans myself the next morning, but oh wells, I didn’t want to be clingy at the early stages of this thing.
Image from TheSun
I’m not going to bore you with the details of our text conversations because looking back, I didn’t realize how bored I got either. So I’ll just jump straight to the date which took place exactly one week after he had initiated our first texts. Given how 2019 had started, I was looking forward to this experience: going on my first first date, ESPECIALLY being this late in the game.
To make this a little fun for you and me, I’m going to divide each point in my list into three parts: “my expectations,” “my reality,” and “what I should have done.”
Remember, this is supposed to be my FIRST date ever as a mid-twenty something year old woman. I had high expectations. And this is what I got.
Alright, without further ado, ladies and gentleman, as courtesy of my failed first date, here are 11 ways to know your date is going straight to hell.
1. How he texts you when he arrives to your house
How a man comes to pick his woman up for a date is the determining factor for the mood of the night.
My expectations:
I wasn’t expecting a text. I was expecting him to park his car, get out, and come to the door to ring the doorbell. You know, old school style.
My reality:
I’m talking to my sister. I’ve just asked her if I have boogers in my nose, something in my teeth, and if I look presentable and not a hideous monster. Does my armpit smell good? You know, the usual-usual. My phone chimes and I look down at it.
One word.
“Outside.”
I say goodbye to my sister, sneak past my dad who was cutting the grass at the time, and entered his car.
God, am I a f*cking, masochistic moron.
What I should have done:
Outside? Outside?! What the heck?!
Oh, hell, no.
B*tch, you’re going to greet me with one word like that?
*Texts back*: Fuck you. Go home, *sshole.
2. How he greets you when he arrives
My expectations:
In my mind, I had envisioned that he would show up at my doorstep and walk me to his car to open the door for me. Like a gentleman.
My reality:
Like I mentioned above, he didn’t even step out of his car.
What I should have done:
Option A (the civilized way):
*opens the door to my house and looks outside to see him still in his car*
“You’re not going to even walk your ass out to pick me up?”
*he rolls down his window and holds his ear* “What?!”
“I said ‘if you’re not going to get your ass over here and walk me to your car, go home!’”
Option B (the barbaric way):
This one only requires that he sees you, he doesn’t even have to hear you 😉
*opens the door to my house and looks outside to see him still in his car*
*gestures to him to make sure he can see me. THEN, when I have his attention, do this:*
GIF from Giphy
3. How he behaves with you inside the car with him
My expectations:
Like I said, I was hoping for a gentleman who would open the door for me and at least wait for me to climb inside and get settled down first before driving off.
My reality:
*enters car* “Hi,–”
Guy starts driving, leaving me to quickly find and secure my seat belt on.
What I should have done:
“Stop the car! I said ‘stop the car!’ B*TCHISAIDSTOPTHEMOTHERFREAKINGCAR!”
*gets out the moment he stops his car*
4. If he is hygienic for the date
My expectations:
I had imagined myself being greeted with the scent of cologne the moment I saw him.
My reality:
Bitch didn’t fucking shower.
What I should have done:
*opens door*
*smells awful body odor*
*shuts door and marches back inside my house after gagging and retching a couple of times*
The best part? Below was our actual conversation.
Or the general idea.
Hey, this happened months ago. I wouldn’t have remembered it verbatim. I don’t need to waste precious brain cells for this sh*t.
“So, how’s your day?” (Better yet, neat weather we’re having right?)
“I just hung out with my friend today for lunch. Then, I decided to hit the gym, and went home to nap before coming here.”
“You go to the gym?”
“Yeah, I only go once a month and I only go to the gym to run. My friends are surprised when I get on the treadmill and ask if I’m warming up and I tell them, ‘dude this is my workout.’”
“So you pay X amount a month to go to the gym to run?”
“Yup.”
“Let me get this straight. There are about thirty days in one month. And out of all thirty days you could have went to the gym, you decided to go today [like TODAY, b*tch] when you had a first date and–” *sniffs and immediately regrets it* “–you didn’t even bother…
…to…
…shower?!”
5. He talks about himself and doesn’t realize he’s on a date with YOU and not himself
My expectations:
Every girl likes to see her date look at her like this:
GIF from Giphy
OR this:
GIF from Giphy
…you know, asking her what her interests, passions, and hobbies are. Asking her about her favorite songs, getting to know little stories about her family and childhood, her pets growing up, her favorite toothpaste brand, shit like that you know? That really sets the mood.
But NOOOOO, do you want to know what I got instead?
My reality:
“Blah, blah, blah, me. Blah, blah, blah, me again. Blah, blah, blah, basketball this time and then oh no, I forgot, who are we talking about? Oh, how could I forget? Me again.”
*eyerolls*
What I should have done:
Never given his best friend my number. That’s what.
6. He talks about his ex
My expectations:
Dude, seriously. I’m just going to skip this.
No, no, wait. Who am I kidding? Just for some people who don’t know the obvious because this 29 year old dude CLEARLY didn’t: *picks up microphone* NEVER TALK ABOUT YOUR EX ON A FIRST DATE!
Should I be even louder for the people in the back?
My reality:
“Blah, blah, blah, ex left me because I wasn’t Christian. Blah, blah, blah, oh, you went to the same high school as my ex? Blah, blah, blah, when I became a teacher, I looked up my ex in the yearbook at the library. Blah, blah, blah did you know my ex?”
Please, I wish I didn’t know YOU.
What I should have done:
Uber-ed the f*ck home.
7. He doesn’t help you walk when you’re drunk (or buzzed)
We had wine and finger food for our date. No real meal, so it wasn’t supposed to be surprising that I became too buzzed enough to walk.
My expectations:
“Are you drunk?”
“Yes.”
*scoops me up into his arms to take me to the carriage–uh, I mean car, back to his car*
Hahaha, bitch please. At this point, this sh*t’s not going to happen. Who am I dreaming of?
My reality:
“Whoa, the world is wobbly,” I say as I walk about five feet behind him. He doesn’t even look at me or help me get back into the car.
Who am I kidding? He probably was hoping he could abandon me here at this point.
What I should have done:
I’m drunk/buzzed, what was I supposed to do?
8. He wants to take you home early
My expectations:
*he grabs my hands*
“Baby, let’s hang out until the sun rises in the morning!”
My reality:
It’s 7:10pm. The date started at 6:15ish.
“So, where are we going?”
“I’m taking you home.”
“Why are you taking me home?! My parents are starting their dinner right now! Take me somewhere!”
What I should have done:
*grabs him by the collar*
“TAKEMEHOMENOW!”
9. He doesn’t give a damn about your lungs
My expectations:
*his hand goes to the radio knob, he quickly looks at me*
“Baby, let’s listen to some music.”
*plays Careless Whisper by George Michael*
My reality:
*he sucks in loudly from a bong*
*he exhales a huge plume of white vapor*
I think to myself: well, f*ck me. Goodbye, lungs; hello, Death.
What I should have done:
*at a red light, opens car door*
*announces to traffic* “WOULD ANYBODY LIKE TO TAKE THIS GIRL HOME? ANYBODY?!”
10. He flexes…….his pocket
Hey, women like a man who has enough money to spoil her. Haha, this guy, though, was flexing how much money he spends on himself.
My expectations:
Forget this crap.
My reality:
*we’re at a shoe store*
*we’re both staring at an entire wall lined with expensive shoes*
*he leans down* “Hey, let’s play a game.”
“What game?”
“Name the price.”
“Okay.” *points at random shoe* “How much does that cost?”
“$900. Oh shit, look at that wallet.” *goes over to a glass case where said wallet is* “If this is under $2,000, I’m going to buy it right on the spot.” *goes to cashier* “ ’scuse me, how much does this cost?”
“$3,100.”
“Fuck, I can’t buy it.”
Aww, poor baby.
What I should have done:
Tell the cashier: “I don’t know this guy.”
OR
“Hey, are you single and ready to mingle because SAVE ME FROM THIS DATE!”
11. He doesn’t give a shit what happens to you once you exit his car
My expectations:
You know what? What’s the point by now? All I wanted was the dude to lead me up to my doorstep and say he had a good night and kiss me on the cheek and watch me go inside first before leaving.
What I got instead (My reality):
“Alright give me an awkward hug.”
*I step out of the car and close the door after said awkward hug*
*Car revs immediately away*
What I should have done:
Never gone on that date.
Conclusion: Yes, in hindsight, the guy most likely didn’t want to go on the date at all and he OBVIOUSLY showed that he was not interested. My only question was:
why.
didn’t.
he.
just.
cancel?
He claims he has been on a lot of first dates and my friends pointed out that yes, he has been on a lot of FIRST dates. As in first dates only. So either his game sucks real bad or he just wasn’t that into me.
Oh wells.
I know someone is going to say “oh no wonder” no one dated Donuts until now because she had unrealistic expectations and is entitled. No bruh, I chose not to date until now and that’s another story for a different day. As for the entitlement part, I believe that the way to a girl’s heart is the way a man treats her. I wanted to get to know him and give him a chance; clearly though, he didn’t want to go on this date.
Anyway, my reason for writing this is: sometimes life doesn’t go the way you want it. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t take away something positive from a bad experience.
Even though the night ended with me in tears when I got home (I sat on my doorstep crying until my friends came), it became a memory that I’ve turned into a great comedic story to tell all my friends. I realized I had great people around me. A couple of friends drove me around after and I was able to have a real dinner:
10 pieces of chicken McNuggets
It also showed me how tough I was because after about thirty-six hours, I wasn’t angry or upset about it anymore. I am still excited for a future date with whoever wants to give me a chance. I’m not going to give up on love either, even if that first experience had stung a little. I also learned that if the date starts off on the wrong foot, maybe it’s best to just call it off right at the beginning. Better yet, take your own damn car so you won’t be stuck in a car with someone who doesn’t enjoy your company.
And just because one date goes bad, doesn’t mean YOU are worth any less of a person, that there’s something wrong with you, or that you should never go on dates again. You are a beautiful individual who just unfortunately met a bad person to take you on a first date.
Look, I’m not here to bash on this guy. I’m grateful to him actually. He at least didn’t take advantage of me, took me home safely, (even if he didn’t give a damn whether someone had attacked me or not on my way to my front door (hey, things like that DO happen!)), AND he paid for the meal. Plus, he left me with this gift: a funny story to share with other people.
Remember, you are stronger than you sometimes believe you are and nothing can break you unless you let it. I’m happy this had happened to me as I look back. Even if I probably wanted to blow up that day while all of this was happening to me as a first.
So what do you guys think? Did you like this story? Do you want more stories like this? If you enjoyed my humor and want more funny stories, click here to check out what my life was as a tutor/teacher!
What was your first date like? How about your bad dates? Are you one of those lucky people who have never had a bad first date or any bad dates ever? Let me know in the comments!