Disclaimer: Due to the sensitive nature of this post, I feel responsible and obligated to disclose that the opinions and words below are mine alone based on my personal life experiences.

The featured image of this post is from ADAA.org.

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The Asian American community is a diverse one made up of individuals from a wide variety of different countries. You have East Asians, South Asians, and Pacific Islander Asians. Despite the vast spectrum of skin colors, languages, cultures, clothing, and food, there are 3 things that are slowly and silently killing the youth from these communities. Those are: comparison, competition, and lack of compassion. 

Let me explain why these three dangerous factors are killing the youth of the Asian American community–physically and/or mentally–from my personal experiences.

1. Comparison

We all know the stereotypes of Asian parents. They love when their kids are successful and they love it even more when they have the right to brag about it to everyone–from their coworkers at their job to their friends at social gatherings such as at high school reunions, weddings, and church. Of course, every parent has the right to be proud of their child. Hell, raising a kid sucks. However, to raise a successful kid that you’re damn-right sure is successful because of you is a trophy understandably worth displaying to the world. 

Nonetheless, some parents take it way too far. For instance, my mother bragged to her coworkers that I never went to tutoring growing up and that my impressively high G.P.A. (back in HIGH school) was the result of my inner brilliance and hard work, a quality she credits I inherited from her. That’s stretching the truth though. In my final year of high school, I was going to tutoring for AP Calculus because surprise, surprise (!), even though I am Asian, I SUCK at math. And the truth isn’t just stretched a little. Sometimes, they’re blatant lies. For example, my mother tells all her friends and old teachers/nuns/priests that I still teach Bible and Vietnamese classes in my free time.

I don’t. 

Why is this a problem? Well, imagine being the mother on the receiving end of my mom’s deceptive comments. I bet you she is thinking “wow, Donut’s mother raised a good child who never went to tutoring, goes to a good university, and she is still able to teach Vietnamese and Bible classes on the weekends. Why can’t my child do that?” 

And then a chain of comparison is created. She goes to her child, admonishes them for not being like me, resulting in them hating whoever I am and then getting annoyed because now their mother has unrealistic expectations of them that they cannot personally (and should not) meet. 

I know that is true, because I  was the child on this end of the phone call, too. 

Growing up, I had two older male cousins who my parents absolutely adored, praised, and worshiped. They were always the smart and impressive role models I had to match. Their high G.P.A.s were something I had to aspire to achieve, beat, or at least, get close to. Moreover, I had distant relatives who were not born in America, yet when they came over here, they went to college and were able to become pharmacists. I was relentlessly nagged and pestered with stupid phrases such as “if she wasn’t even born here and she can become a doctor/pharmacist, why can’t you?”

To the older generation, they believe such comparisons would push their child to strive for better, for excellence, for the determination to beat “that other kid.” But once the parent leaves the room, the child begins to feel negative, less-than, not worthy, not good enough, devalued.

I don’t want to get into this, but I will one day in a future post that I will link here when I do post it–but, I do want to say this: I believe that the Asian American identity is a very complex and misunderstood one. We live our lives as a divided individual and a walking, contradictory being. We struggle to be an American in an Asian body, feeling and experiencing the world in a American way because we grew up in an American system, but are expected to be Asian at home and are treated as Asian outside our home, too. I’ll explain what I mean later or in the comments if anyone is interested. My point is although Asian parents think that guilt-tripping their kids into living a life that they think and deem is successful, such misguided aspirations most often leave their child feeling empty and unfulfilled, confused, lost, and unhappy. This brings me to my next point…

2. Competition

Competition is good. If you’re friendly and a good sport about it. 

Anyone know what the Asian competition is like here in America? I’ll give you a summary of it in one succinct word: cutthroat.

One time at my university, we were having a midterm for an Organic Chemistry class. The professor for that class usually posted the seating chart for the exam right outside the door immediately or a few minutes before the session started. This one girl approached a guy and his group of friends to ask, “Excuse me, do you know where the seating chart is?” The guy responded, “I don’t know.” After the girl left, he turned to his friends after she was out of earshot and said, “Does she think I’d really give her that information? Where the seating chart is? She’s my competition. Does she think I’d help her?” 

Oh my God. It’s a fucking seating chart. Where she sits has no effect on how either of you guys score on the exam. Yet, this stupid a-hole thought that and unwisely displayed his character to the whole world. Furthermore, he showed the ugly nature of the Asian American competition. Yes, he was Asian and I do have to note, this was a class for pre-medical students. From my experience, this type of competition happens to Asian Americans pursuing the medical field. There’s no need to be that competitive in the arts or a different field of study like architecture, where it is a more collaborative process/major.

Asian American children who are raised by their parents to pursue a degree in the medical field are very vicious people (not all, but many). They openly look down on their classmates who do not score as high as them, are failing/struggling, or are pursuing anything not medical-related. I can’t count the number of times I’ve seen that glint in these people’s eyes as they look at me condescendingly for not being as “bright” or as passionate as they are for being on the pre-med journey. And once they become an actual pharmacist, doctor, dentist, or dermatologist, or whatever, their belief and way of thinking is only reinforced and solidified. 

Such evil ways of thinking and these kinds of awful attitudes turned me off to the idea of working for a career in the medical field and why I fear for the future doctors and dentists and whatever who will run their offices with such type of thinking. I also believe that if the professor was not present in the classroom and if there was something like the Purge (movie reference) possible, it would be the Hunger Games inside these pre-med university classes for the opportunity to get an A in the class. Dark, sinister, and cynical these thoughts are, you think? I really do believe this is true. You just have to admit it after observing it for four years.

3. Lack of Compassion

Comparison and competition leads us to this final killer: a lack of compassion, specifically a lack of compassion among each other in the Asian American community. Everyone is worried about themselves, no one has time to even be bothered about other people’s problems which when combined with feelings of self-doubt, unworthiness, loneliness, and the stress and need for success, all this can lead to some horrible repercussions. Yes, I will say it: mental disorders and flirting with the idea of committing suicide. 

Asian Americans are dying quietly via committing suicide. You don’t need me to link the thousands of tales of Asian Americans who committed suicide because they did not live up to their parents’ expectations or fulfilled their parents’ dreams. A classmate of mine witnessed someone jump to their death in a library during midterms and my uncle said someone who lived across the hall from him in his dorm hung himself during finals for dental school. And if they’re not committing suicide, there are evident feelings of depression, regret, and sadness in many Asian Americans’ lives over their career choices and life decisions.

These remorseful feelings are seen everywhere in the Asian American community, specifically where I am living. I notice it when I became more aware of it after realizing how important and real this problem is. For instance, I saw an old high school classmate at Starbucks one day at the drive thru. She was a worker there the day I came. When she saw me, she was embarrassed that she was caught working as a barista at our age (not that I cared or judged her for it). However, I saw the sadness and shame in her eyes and facial expression. She even openly voiced it by asking me what I was doing now. And when I told her that at the time I was a personal trainer, I can’t remove the self-disappointment I saw expressed on her face from my memory.

Another time, after Easter Mass at my church this past year, an old buddy from Bible class caught up to me too and asked what I was currently doing with my life. She clearly hated her job, obvious by her sad tone, disappointed eyes, and her jealousy as she asked me how much I made (yeah, I was surprised, too about the boldness) and that I had “more fun” with my job than her dull business job (if you think babysitting/working with kids is more fun than your job, trade places with me).

You’re probably wondering how this relates to the previous points of comparison and competition I was making earlier. Fundamentally, what I mean is that if you’re not in any of those pre-medical fields (doctor, dentist, pharmacist, etc.), then, you’re a failure in your parents’ eyes (comparison), your peers’ eyes (competition), and the worst part (you think you failed in): your eyes.

When you’re feeling down about yourself as a result of failing your parents and not matching up to the competition of your peers, your mind will tend to give into the darkness inside of you, especially when you, yourself, doubt your sense of worth. Negative emotions and dark thoughts become more present in your head space and voices of not measuring up grow louder until they drown you, swirling incessantly in your head, never letting up. These feelings, emotions, and thoughts are dangerous when many of us keep it locked and bottled up inside us, wrestling with it all alone, only giving it a time and a place for them all to fester and boil. Then you turn to your last option, an escape from all this inner mental hell, an “easy” exit when you hit rock bottom: suicide.

What I am trying to say is, this needs to stop.  All this bull crap of needing to be compared, needing to beat out the competition, needing to be someone immediately out of college and/or have your life figured out straight after.

My Dear Asian Americans: You’re not a failure if you don’t measure up to your parents’ (sometimes) unrealistic expectations. You’re not a failure for not successfully beating your sometimes competitive, heartless, blood-thirsty peers. And you are definitely not a failure if you don’t feel happy with where you currently are in life at the moment. 

It’s okay, my fellow Asian Americans who don’t have futures in the health field, to be doing something else and just living for yourself. It’s okay if you’re struggling to find a different path that’s not medical-related. Don’t let the comparisons and the competitions and yourself keep your spirits down and ruin your life. Don’t let failure define you. Do let it motivate you. So from one confused soul to another, I just want to say: it’s okay. It’s going to be okay. It’s going to take time and it’s going to hurt. But if we keep working on ourselves, trying to find our dreams (and ourselves), ensuring that we actually have goals and work hard towards them little by little everyday, we’re going to be okay one day. 

Don’t give into those negative thoughts. You are not alone. And you are not a failure, so don’t hurt yourself. Pay attention to others who feel the same too and help each other. Let’s share and spread some love and compassion.

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Thank you guys for reading this post. In the spirit of the coming new year and the new decade, I wanted to address some internal demons I’ve been facing in myself and that I’m sure others are facing too, but do not openly voice or cannot put into words. The new year is always plagued by messages about creating a new you in celebration of a new year, a new opportunity for change. But we don’t have to wait for January to roll around to change ourselves. Moreover, depressions, suicidal thoughts, and anxiety are happening to more and more of us everyday. And I wanted to give some positivity to my readers, especially those in the Asian American community because rarely do I ever see posts like the one I’ve just written anywhere around the internet. 

This topic is very layered and is something I am passionate about so I will continue to revisit it in the future to deepen and add more of my opinion to it. If you guys enjoyed this post and the insight, please comment your thoughts. And if you want to join this conversation, please do by commenting below as well. If you like more topics such as these, let me know down there, too. Or if you are shy, you can contact me via my social media handles or my email on the Contacts tab. 

If you’re curious, I also write about other topics such as comedy, life, food, and anime, so click around the website and the tabs up there on the menu above for more of my other posts. Happy reading guys and Happy New Year! Stay safe, healthy, warm, and happy in the coming decade!