Disclaimer: This is a rant used for comedic purposes. If you do not take sarcasm and satire well and can’t handle negative energy used for humor, this might not be your cup of tea so be warned not to continue, if that is the case.

NOTE: The featured image for this post is from MemeGuy.

Are you currently unemployed and are searching for a job? Do you find that job hunting is sometimes a stupid waste of time, if not an entirely waste of time? Or that it just is so stupid all the time? Well, let me give you 5 reasons job hunting sucks and they’re based on a true story: my personal experience.

1. Bullshit Requirements

Image from MemeCenter

Finding jobs is a hard process. And sometimes you’re so desperate, you just want to find ANY job to land, right? So you’re okay with just being a receptionist/secretary. You know, an entry level job doing basic bitch work? You know horse crap, like answering calls, smiling like a predator at all visitors to an office, and dealing with all sorts of people from friendly customers to entitled assholes. So you would think, hey, if that stupid job is going to pay me–I don’t know–$11-$14 per hour as an entry level job, they shouldn’t have requirements that aren’t too bad, right?

No kidding. 

As a person who has been job hunting for a good year, I can safely say that there are actually receptionist/secretary jobs that say something like “job is perfect for anyone who has a gap in their resume or is new to the job force” and “high school graduate (required)” BUT THEN SAYS “three year front desk experience required.” 

The fuck?! 

What high school graduate has three years of front desk experience?

The high school kids I know are working at boba shops!

There was this one job ad where the employer had said something like “please don’t waist my time. I know what I want and am looking for so don’t apply if you not have the requirements” [the bolding is me stressing the grammatical errors that are NOT mine].

I love how job applicants are expected to have perfect grammar on their cover letters and resumes while employers can write as many spelling mistakes on their job advertisements and show how bad of a future employer they’d be with an attitude like that as much as they want without any repercussions whatsoever. Well then again, that’s the perks of being the employer, right? Anyway, my point is, if you get a job application that doesn’t follow your requirements, just drop it. You don’t have to announce your disdain for such applications in your ad. 

2. Tailor It to the Job

Image from CareerBuilder

Experts say that if you really want a particular job, you have to make your resume and cover letter personal to the place that you’re applying to.  You know, cater to them so they know–or at least think, they’re the only place you’re desperate to work at. The stupid part of this advice is that it’s recommended that you don’t send resumes and cover letters one by one to employers. Instead, you should send them in batches. 

The pros suggest that you apply to jobs in batches of five. But if you’re personally tailoring them to each job, that takes a SHIT ton of time. Like, one resume and cover letter already takes a good two hours of my time (what?! I like to extra double-check my spelling and grammar!). Multiply that by 5 for five different jobs and that’s an entire day’s worth of unpaid labor gone down the drain ‘cause I’m pretty sure my chances of getting any response from these employers are below 10%.

It gets even better when you apply to different jobs in that batch. Say you’re applying to a photography studio and a tutoring place in one batch. Great, now you have to pull out different skills to draft the resume and write an entirely new cover letter highlighting different experiences and abilities for just those two jobs alone.

3. Posting Jobs Just to Meet a Quota

Image from Me.Me

This one irritates me the most.

The big advice is that you’re supposed to tailor your cover letters, resumes, and applications to the job you desire, right? Now, let’s play pretend. Imagine, you found a job that you’re (finally) excited about after searching for a long, long, loooonnnngg time. And you work your butt off for daaaays (days!) to make sure everything–and I mean everything–is perfect (down to the nitty gritty!) and then, you hit “submit.”

You even do The Thing that Millennials and Baby Boomers always clash over. You know, whether to show up to the job you want in person or actually call them directly to make it known that you are serious about the job and really (REALLY) want it? Millenials think that that is desperate and too much while Baby Boomers swear that it is a demonstration of character and a sign of motivation, determination, and grit.

Hey, take your pick.

However, what if the job posting is only the employers just showing that their company is “open,” but really isn’t? Because that has been the case a few times in my experience and from hearing/reading from other people in real life and online. “Oh, we just wanted to make it seem like we’re always trying to grow our workforce, but we currently have no positions open at the moment. We just want to keep public interest” OR even better: “I’m sorry, I was just trying to meet my quota of listing job postings, but we have no available positions open right now.”

So you’re telling me, that that ten hours–TEN hours–of me tailoring my cover letter and resume to make myself look good for you and the endless hours I spent dreaming about having this specific job was a big waste of time which I could have used to apply to another ACTUAL open job?!!!

Fuck you, companies. Fuck you!

4. No One Ever Responds

Image from MemeGuy

Yeah, they expect you to click the stupid box that says “I am not a robot” or click on pictures that you see on a grid that contain “traffic lights” or “cars,” so they can protect themselves from having robots submit job applications (Wooooow, robots stealing jobs from humans. I guess they’re also coming in for interviews as well. Didn’t realize this was SUCH. A. HUGE. CONCERN. for employers *rolls eyes*). However, there’s not one fucker–not even ONE–who can respond to your hard work to at least tell you that you didn’t make the cut. Employers bitch and scream about job candidates ghosting them for an interview, but how disappointing do you think the candidates feel when for one whole year, they’ve been applying everywhere and nobody even bothers to respond to give them a SINGLE rejection letter. YES, for once I actually WANT A GODDAMN REJECTION. GIVE IT TO ME, PEOPLE!!!

I laugh at employers who whine and bitch about employees ghosting them for interviews. That’s karma, you assholes, for all the other employees you fucking ghosted.

5. No One Ever Has the Right Advice

Image from DumpADay

“Cover letters should be formatted like this.”

“Resumes should look like this.”

“When you go into a job interview, don’t wear pink, have your hair tied, and do NOT put on perfume.”

The fucking list goes ON and on.

Problem is sometimes I hear/read stories of people getting accepted to a job doing what others say is a major no-no. For instance, (I tried hunting for this story again to link it here, but I can’t find it anymore) this one clown applied to a job saying he could actually juggle and do other tons of bullshit things. The employer emails him at 5AM and says “when can we schedule an interview?”

I swear stories like that makes my blood boil (although, who knows if that is even a real story?). Here I am, though, ironing my tight-ass pencil skirt, killing my toes in platform heels, and reapplying deodorant to mask the amount of anxiety I have physically forming under my armpits to impress a potential employer and this asshole gets a job interview shitting around?! I might as well should walk in naked into a job interview just to stand out from the crowd of applicants and make a memorable impression on my employer because that’s an advice all you job gurus give to us job candidates, right? Is that one shit you motherfuckers can agree on because I swear I don’t mind trying this study out at this point.

I know, I know. I have to consider landing in jail for public indecency, but come on now.

I’m. DESPERATE.

Oh and the idea that cover letters and resumes have to be this way or this way to impress employers is dumb.

Here’s why: I remember my days back in college visiting job counselors who would edit my resumes and cover letters, you know, prep them up before I submitted them? It’s all a matter of opinions, people! I went to the same woman three times to fix my resume. Each time, she found something else to tell me to fix and when I FINALLY did every-motherfucking-thing she told me to do, I go to a different counselor (because woman #1 is not there that day) who asked me why the FUCK did I make my resume like this/that? It’s all about having the right timing, the right person, and a little dash of luck, my friends. No one has the right advice. You gotta just do you, be you, and pray to some force that controls the universe that that dude who sees your job application isn’t a heartless, cold, robotic douchebag.

I now conclude this comedic rant to return to trying to be professional as I yet again, give another job application process another go.

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So do you guys have any complaints about the job hunting process? Bad experiences or crap that you hate? Please share them here if you’re brave enough! I love connecting with people. If you like the humor in this post, you can find more in my post on tutoring/teaching or in my first date post. And if you’re interested in Asian American topics or Anime, specifically, My Hero Academia/Boku No Hero Academia, just click the links/words or the tabs on the menu at the top of the website for links to those respective posts. Hope you guys enjoyed this and clicking around to explore this website!