Asian Upbringing: Asian Parents Introduction (Part 1)

Hey guys! I’m going to start a blog series called Asian Upbringing to share my personal experiences growing up in an Asian household as an Asian American that I hope will be relatable to many of you out there. After having a difficult time dealing with my parents over the course of my life and seeing similar experiences elsewhere on the internet, I wanted to start this to provide a place that can help others feel that they are not alone. There will be many parts to this series and I will try my best to recap and link back to relevant parts.

Today’s topic will be about giving an introduction to Asian Parents. And before I dive in, I do want to stress that I am not trying to stereotype Asian parents. All Asian parents are not the same; there are definitely good Asian parents who are not what the media portrays, or are what is widely known or believed. These parents have nurtured their children into good people and have developed a healthy, loving, affectionate relationship with them. However, there are definitely toxic Asian parents out there and while I’ll be discussing this particular type of Asian parents, these parents do not represent the rest of the Asian parents group. 

In addition, I would also like to add that I am not trying to be ungrateful to the sacrifices that my parents have made in order to raise me. I am only sharing my experiences and discussing a widespread problem in the Asian American community that is not explored elsewhere extensively or to my knowledge on the internet. This will be a safe space where people can discuss toxic Asian parents and be able to not feel alone because having experienced firsthand what abuse is like, I have always felt alone. I don’t want others to feel that way, so here’s is one corner of the world where people can connect and not feel how I did.

Now that we’re clear, let’s begin.

Asian parents.

We’ve all heard the stereotypes. Tough. Strict. Unaffectionate. Hard-headed. Known for their unrealistic expectations and both mental and physical abuse, they can be verbally and emotionally abusive, too. 

Of course, I would like to argue that from my experience, there are actually two types of Asian parents. There are loving, affectionate, supportive, kind, normal, and (most importantly) positive Asian parents. In fact, some of my friends have been blessed with this group of parents. And then, there are the ones I described in the previous paragraph. Those are the ones I want to talk about today and in my series.

You see, these Asian parents are the ridiculous ones. The ones who are abusive, unrealistic, damaging, dysfunctional, both to themselves and to the children they raise. They think in a way that is not normal, are many times not even humane, and yet, do not even believe they are ever wrong, or are a problem.

These people aren’t parents–or actually, they’re not fit to be parents. They may have given birth to their children and consider themselves parents; however, they are not parents. Parents are supposed to be inspiring, supportive, and nurturing. These Asian parents are more like drill sergeants. Incapable of giving any affection to or showing any nurturing feelings to their children, or more rightly put, their soldiers. 

Growing up, everyone around me has always told me that your parents love you and you should respect them because of all the sacrifices they have made to raise you. Receiving that advice from adults, relatives, and even the friends around me, I tried to understand their advice and see life through the eyes of my parents.

In fact, one of my favorite movies growing up was Finding Nemo and a specific scene that has always affected me was the one where (***SPOILER***, in case you have not already watched the 2005 movie) Marlin picks up the final uneaten egg and says to Nemo,

Ohh. There, there, there. It’s okay, daddy’s here. Daddy’s got you. I promise, I will never let anything happen to you… Nemo.

Image from Imgur

You can watch the whole scene below:

Video from YouTube

Watching that scene as a child, I would put myself in my parents’ shoes and think of how hard and stressful it must be to raise kids, you know (?), and how worried you must always be about their safety and success. 

However, I must admit that I am tired of that “excuse”/advice; that since your parents raised you, you have to be respectful and grateful to them for life, like a debt that can never be ever paid. One of my friends told me that he gave respect to his parents because they gave it to him and earned it from him. I agree with that mindset; respect is a two-way street. It’s a healthier mindset to respect someone and have them earn your respect than demanding it because you’re older or you raised them. 

Furthermore, no matter how hard it is and how stressful it is to raise kids, it was their choice to bring me into the world. And it was also their choice to bring my siblings, too. I’m sure other parents pay the bills and have to work too while raising their kids. Yet, they have been able to raise functional human beings who are much different than me.

If you are bringing a child into this world without realizing that the word “sacrifice” comes along with it, you are a misinformed and irresponsible person who should not be having kids. It comes with the package.

Why do parents lecture their children about responsibility before buying them a pet? It’s the same people having kids!

Back to my point,–

No matter how hard or how stressful parenting is, it does not excuse abusive or toxic parenting.

In addition, just because some Asian parents are good, doesn’t mean that horrible, bad, and/or abusive parents do NOT exist. That is an important statement that I would like to make because some of the advice that I have encountered throughout my life have either forgotten or ignored the existence of such parents. One such example came from someone I used to look up to. Philip Wang (from the YouTube channel WongFuProductions) had said in his 2016 Commencement speech at the University of California, San Diego (UCSD) that one of the things he had learned and wanted to pass on to the graduates was to be kinder to and to appreciate your parents. 

I have provided a video of this particular speech directly from the Wong Fu Productions YouTube channel. You can skip to the 11 minute mark to hear the part I am focusing on.

Video from YouTube

The particular line that I would like to draw attention to is this one, specifically at the timestamp mark, 11:10 :

Finally, love your family. The 20s is when you really start to humanize your parents. It’s at this time that a lot of them met. Or even had you…you’re going to reach the same age and finally realize what your parents have gone through. They weren’t always just grown up. They were young, lost, and scared just like you; they were human. And you can start to empathize with them because being human also means that they won’t always be around. So spend time with them; try not to be annoyed. Tell them ‘thank you,’ tell them ‘I love you,’ ask them questions about their lives, past and present. They have a lot to share.

While his advice is mature, kind-spirited, reflective, and comes from a good place, I found it disheartening to me, personally, because the message did not resonate with me. I’m not going to discount Philip’s experiences with his parents. I’m sure that there have been times where Philip has had his differences with his parents and days where he obviously did not get along with them. That’s normal for people in relationships (even between parents and their children) to not agree all the time.

However, because I had looked up to Philip, having grown up and watched his work on YouTube, hearing the speech for the first time back in 2016, I had originally thought that it was a one-size-fits-all type of advice.

Then I realized, no, not all parents are the same.

And that goes for Asian parents, too.

No. There are many Asian parents who would never be like his where they eventually come to terms with their child’s passion, see that they can make money from it, and then accept it and support their children. 

No, there are some Asian parents who would never accept anything less than what they, as the parent, demand from their kids. There are Asian parents who have this belief that their kids owe them and the way they can pay off such a debt is by becoming respected doctors/ lawyers/ pharmacists/ dentists, making a lot of money, and being perfect all around. 

Philip’s advice to the graduating UCSD Class of 2016 is what it is: a Commencement speech. Just a simple speech that offers generic advice on life based on one human experience. I am a child from an abusive and manipulative Asian parenting style. Philip’s experience with his own parents and as a result, his advice about interacting with our parents does not invalidate nor should it be a guide for my life or experiences because we both have vastly different ones; therefore, our realities and perception of the world will be different.

My point for mentioning this is to say that growing up, I had always felt that the messages around me from adults, friends, and even people outside my family who I had looked up to has been the same which is that I should always appreciate my parents.

Yet, I found that that was horrible advice because it erases, ignores, and refuses to acknowledge that terrible (Asian) parents exist and that there are children who suffer the abuse from such horrible people. 

In essence, I am saying that if you come from these toxic, abusive, and/or bad Asian parents, don’t follow or listen to this advice, because it does not apply to you. Don’t feel like you are forgotten, alone, or that your experiences with your Asian parents are not valid, toxic, wrong, normal, and unfair. It took me years to realize and understand this; so I hope this blog will help you figure this critical information sooner.

Basically, even though Philip’s experiences and advice is well-intentioned, Asian American children should not be expected to respect their parents. And again, it does not excuse their abusive behavior. Moreover, don’t also go into dangerous territory and think that in order to be a good person or kid, you have to ignore how Asian parents treat you, let your experiences be downplayed, and live your life miserably. I do not want the experiences of some Asian American victims of abuse to be silenced or ignored. I want to say and acknowledge that yes, some Asian parents out there in the world are abusive and it’s okay not to have a good relationship with them ever. You’re not a bad kid to dream about getting away forever and never contacting them again.

That sentiment you feel is normal for abuse victims. And you’re certainly not alone in feeling the way that you do.

Yes, there are horrifically awful Asian parents. They do exist. There are Asian parents who will never be proud of their kids; parents who use emotional manipulation in the form of crocodile tears, guilt trips, and other childish tactics; and parents who ruin their children’s lives with their insane expectations or their control over every decision their child makes. There’s so much more horrendous stories and experiences out there and we need to talk, discuss, and analyze them down to the nitty gritty.

I will use my life as an example and display stories I see online to dissect this accusation that there are terrible Asian parents out there who have ruined their children’s lives in multiple ways and various areas of life. These parents have ruined their children’s lives career-wise, dating-wise, relationship-wise, and self-esteem wise. And in even more ways and areas, too.

Some people may argue with me, though, and say that despite their tactics, Asian parents just want the best for their children.

But I want to ask, are things really the best for us?

If you guys have not read my blog post about why it is hard to be Asian American, you should check it out. In there, I discuss the difficulty of being Asian American. Our Asian (usually immigrant) parents and we (American-born Asians) value different things in our own lives. Our parents value survival. It’s always the end goal that matters for them. On the other hand, we value the journey and the desire of finding meaning and purpose in our life. This disparity in our values makes it hard for us, in our generation, to get along with our parents and their generation.

Different life experiences are also to blame. Most of the Asian immigrants fled to America to escape war and unimaginable human tragedies and trauma. While many American-born Asians are blessed to have never witnessed such atrocities and sufferings. These differences has led to complicated relationships that manifest into suicide rates, unhappy lives, miscommunication, broken relationships, and ruined, unfulfilled lives.

However, despite their life experiences and their “best” intentions, there should not be a pass for how they’ve destroyed some of their children’s happiness and lives with their negative behavior and actions.

Here are some ways (and some topics I will discuss about how) toxic Asian parents have ruined their children:

• Learned Helplessness
  • Loss Dreams
  • Job vs Career & Passion
• Mental Health Issues
  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Suicidal Thoughts & Committing Suicide
  • Striving for ultimate”Perfection”
  • Self-Esteem Issues
• Making Us Think/Believe Their Parenting/the Family Dynamic is Normal
• Competition
  • Lack of Compassion
  • Saving Face
• Social Skills
  • Dating/Relationships with Others & Ourselves
    • Lack of Real Respect
    • Self-Esteem Issues
  • Abuse, Toxicity, & Unrealistic expectations
• Marriage
• Filial Piety

As one friend of mine put it:

You’re going to realize one day that your parents are one, if not, THE MAIN influencing factor behind every decision you make in life. And until you do and actively realize and fight it, they’re going to affect every aspect of your life from your mental health, way of thinking, and how you interact with your friends, dates, romantic partners, and the overall world around you.

This is an important topic and I hope you will journey along with me and help me discuss this! We’ll explore this topic in depth and I hope you guys can share your experiences with me whether in the Comments section if you’re a brave soul or via email if you’re shy! I’ll end this post with the paragraph above as food for thought. Let me know how you think or if you have similar experiences! Stay safe and healthy, everyone! Thank you for reading.