Don’t use sex to confirm your worth or get validation, because when things end between you two and he (or she) is no longer there, your entire self-esteem and self-confidence will crumble with them.

Welcome back, guys! We’re now on Part 6 of The 75+ Lessons You Should Know Before Dating blog series. As promised, today we’re going to discuss SEX and how it affects dating. One special note I want to first make before I begin this particular post is that how you view sex will determine how it will affect you during your dating journey.

Also, as you read, you’ll be able to tell that I am really passionate about this specific topic because many of these things personally happened to me. So, buckle up because this one will be really in depth, especially since sex is an interesting and an important aspect of dating.

Because I do not want to lose your attention, I will divide this topic into two parts. Today, will be the first 7 Lessons about Sex. My next post will discuss the last 7 or so.

As always, before we begin, here is a recap of all the previous lessons all linked to their corresponding post. Just click on any and you will be taken directly there for a more detailed explanation of each lesson!

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

So, about SEX…

44. If You Have to Use or Have Sex to Make Sure the Date Ends Well, That’s Not a Healthy Relationship and You’ve Just Been Used. Please Leave.

As the heading says, if you have to put sex on the table to bait, hook, and reel in a fish from the sea of potential daters, you need to toss that fish back into the sea. I mean, unless you want sex to be the ONLY thing that determines the chemistry and compatibility of your relationship, go right ahead and continue it.

However, I believe that in order to establish and form a healthy, mature, fulfilling, and meaningful relationship, sex shouldn’t be used too casually. Or be (the only) something you use to keep someone around or to chain them to you.

Look, I am not promoting waiting until marriage or holding onto sex as an end goal; I just don’t want it to be used as a bargaining chip because that’s not healthy or right to establish a real relationship based on only that factor alone. For one, if you want a real relationship, there are other factors that should go into knowing someone. Remember, I keep repeating that humans are complex creatures; therefore, there is more to us than just sex.

Public announcement: Love and sex are NOT the only things necessary for a good relationship!

For example, do both your interests, lifestyles, values, life goals, and whatever else align, match, or are compatible? Furthermore, don’t use sex or do it just to seek validation or confirmation that the person likes you. It’ll hurt you in the end, especially if you value sex and think highly of committing such an act in comparison to the other person.

For instance, I had sex with the guy I had been seeing at the time because my self-esteem was low. I had thought that if he had wanted to have sex with me, it meant that he liked me and that I was desirable/beautiful/good-looking/attractive enough.

Don’t be like me: don’t use sex to confirm your worth or to get validation, because when things end between you two and he (or she) is no longer there, your entire self-esteem and self-confidence will crumble with them.

Your loss will hurt even more than it should. At that time, I had been desperate to have a successful date and to get a relationship from him. I had also wanted him to like me, so I had put sex on the table and it had backfired on me.

Have self-love and self-respect. Also have some ground rules with yourself before you go on a date. Don’t make rookie mistakes. Read everything I’ve written and chose what best applies to your situation, so you don’t hurt yourself like I did.

And please, don’t make decisions when you’re horny.

Blood is not flowing to the correct place during those moments.

45. Don’t Try to Be Someone You’re Not

Obviously, there are people out there who are very open sexually and/or can casually have sex like it’s no biggie. I don’t have any disrespect for them, but I am neither of those people.

You need to figure out what type of person you are and what you enjoy. Because it matters. Or will matter. You can either go through partners quickly and not have it bother you ORRR you can see every sexual interaction as meaningful and personal to the extent that it hurts when it’s over between you two.

I’m not saying it doesn’t hurt the people in the other group at all, but that one group of daters may value sex more than the former group does.

Again, no disrespect or judgement to anyone.

My point is, be careful if you’re the sensitive type who puts sex on a pedestal versus someone who sees it as another daily occurrence.

I am not going to go into generalizations and say that men see and treat sex more casually than women do. However, I will advise you to figure out just what type of person you are and how you think of sex. Because your heart and happiness will be affected depending on what answers you give to those two questions.

Also, another note: don’t be bummed that you care a lot.

As in, if sex affects you and not other people. Don’t feel like you’re too sensitive or that you’re lame for caring so much about it.

You can’t help who you are.

Be proud of who you are. Everyone has strengths and everyone has weaknesses. You can decide if being sensitive or seeing sex as really important is a weakness or not. I’ll advocate for both sides because there’s nothing wrong with either.

If you care about sex, it might mean that you’re passionate about using it as another tool to show your partner you care about them deeply. If you don’t care about sex as much–well it’s a natural act anyway like breathing and sleeping. Animals even do it.

Regardless, no one is right or wrong if they value or don’t value sex as much.

It’s all about personal preference and it’s an individual opinion and their business. Don’t compare yourself to others! In fact, maybe people who don’t show they care might just actually be putting up a front! Who knows! Just worry about you!

46. Getting Attached After Sex Might Actually Be a Real Thing

This is what I mean by figuring out what type of person you are and how you see sex because once the act of sex is done, well…the effects may leave you feeling attached…or not.

I thought I could be detached (because I barely knew the person), but I underestimated myself. The act really meant a lot to me, so letting the person go hurt like hell. So be careful how you view and value sex before you carry it out. I’m not kidding when I say it hurts because it hurt a LOT. This brings me to my next lesson…

47. There is No Such Thing as Losing or Taking Away Virginity. You Just Had Sex. That’s It.

Society’s obsession with virginity is a very misogynistic, if not a stupid thing. Fetishizing virgins or looking down on people who are still virgins is dumb. And the outdated belief that women should be virgins and men should be skilled at sex and should have lost it at a young age is equally stupid and ridiculous.

Lose your virginity when YOU are comfortable and on your own timeline.

Politics and opinions aside, I want to say for those of you hurting after the person who “took” your virginity left you–or for anyone who is still hurting after they had “lost” their virginity–I’ve got news for you: you didn’t lose anything and no one took sh*t from you.

This idea that you had lost something or that someone had taken it from you–take it out from your vocabulary. I don’t know if this applies to everyone, but hopefully this helps some of you guys out there because it certainly helped me:

Don’t think that you have lost or that someone has taken your virginity.

Unless someone had sex with you without your consent, you took as much part in the act as they did. Therefore, all you did is had mutual sex. If you think that the person who dumped, left, or broke up with you had taken something from you or that you had lost something to them and now feel abandoned after they had left you, it will drive you crazy.

Here, think of it this way: when you lose something–like your keys!–the feeling drives you f*cking insane, doesn’t it? Because it’s something you really need at the moment and more importantly, it MATTERS to you. That is why you want to find it NOW and that’s why it bothers you and drives you insane because you can’t find it and you feel as though you have LOST it. Or at least you hope that it isn’t lost. And maybe, you also want to know if someone TOOK it from you, too. Or moved it elsewhere (hopefully!).

Apply this thinking from the above paragraph to your virginity. However, instead of thinking you have lost it or that someone has taken it from you, just change up your thoughts; realize that, basically, all you guys did was had sex. That way, now that your partner has left you, you don’t think that they took a piece of you with them and that your soul is half gone, stolen, or dead.

Now, that is why I hate that language of “taken” or “lost” virginity. You didn’t lose anything and no one took anything from you. Don’t fall into that type of talking or thinking. You agreed to have mutual sex with your date/partner (hopefully) and you just did it with them. No losing or taking. Just doing. End of story.

You’re still a whole, functional, and beautiful person.

Nothing in you is missing. You’re not broken. You’re not damaged. You’re not used goods. Sure, you’re hurt, but you didn’t lose or have something get taken from you.

As you can tell, this lesson will apply for some people and not others.

Moving on…

48. How Sex Is Used Between Genders MAY Be Different

Continuing my point from Lesson 45, I don’t mean to generalize, but from personal, my friends’, and other people online’s experiences: USUALLY men are after sex and once they get it, they’re gone. One person online put it succinctly:

“men use love to get sex, women use sex to get love.”

Now, what does that mean?

Obviously, NOT ALL MEN are the same. Likewise, NOT ALL WOMEN are the same. Now that we have made that clear, I will again note that this is a generalization and I hate to do this, but just let me finish getting my point across.

USUALLY, men are on their best behavior on the first few dates to woo the woman until sex comes onto the table. Once sex is done, they USUALLY disappear–IF they’re a horrible man (I am not trying to paint ALL men in one broad stroke!).

In essence, men use “love” as a tool, or a method, to get sex from a woman. On the other hand, women USUALLY use sex to confirm a man’s love for her.

If the man behaves, treats her well, gets her comfortable, and makes her feel loved, she will reward him with sex for his efforts and wooing. And will possibly think all his actions leading up to the deed proves his love for her.

Look, not all men are like that and will disappear after sex. Not all women will use sex as a bargaining chip. I have now done explaining and addressing this generalization.

49. If You’re Looking For Something Meaningful and For a Real Connection, Don’t Sleep with Your Date Right Away

This again goes back to whether you value sex a lot or not. So if it doesn’t apply to you, you can skip down to the next lesson.

If you do value sex, see if your date is willing to get to know you on a deeper level first before engaging with you through such a personal act. Your priority (or one of them, at least) should be seeing if the person actually puts in the effort to connect with you personality-wise and interest-wise. If they mesh with or have other aspects that you want in a partner, even better!

A few questions you can ask yourself while seeing them could be:

Do they try to get to know me in different ways instead of just all physical or all sexual?
Do they see sex or value it the same way I do?
- Because if you value it and they don’t, well things are going to be hard. The same applies for vice versa
Are we both compatible and on the same page about when sex should be brought up?
- Nothing shows incompatible more than different expectations. For instance, if your date wants sex on the first encounter and you’re waiting for at least three dates in.

Personally, I don’t think it would be easy being in a relationship with someone who can treat what you value so lightly. For example, will you be okay with them having done such a special act with others before you? Or them having sex with others and/or using it as a way to filter their dating pool currently or while they’re seeing you? The decision lies on you.

If sex means a lot to you, know that it’s okay to make your partner wait.

I’m not suggesting that you use it as a bargaining chip. However, if it means a lot to you, holding it off to see if the person truly cares about you and will work for your trust and comfort will all be in your best interest because you don’t want to share your body with just anyone, right?

It takes time to build trust, comfort, intimacy, and a relationship.

Therefore, you should do it when YOU are comfortable; not when the other person pushes you for it. That’s coercion and that person does not have your full consent; hence, it would be classified as rape.

If your date/partner is pushing for sex when you’re not ready, you’re not in good company.

Someone who cares for you will let YOU give them permission when YOU are ready and comfortable. If they are being pushy and you’re not ready and comfortable, remember my last post about boundaries: that’s your sign to leave them.

YOU come first. And you decide who you keep around you. The people around you must always respect and care about you, and make you feel comfortable and safe.

Continuing my point, there is also

a sexiness in waiting.

That’s right. You heard me!

Waiting can be sexy! So, do not feel ashamed in taking your time. If they rush it, you both are simply not compatible and you can show them the door.

By the way, it actually helps if they rush you faster than your pace because they now have showed you:

what their true intent is,
who they are truly looking out for, and
are filtering themselves out of your dating pool for YOU

Thus, don’t be disheartened!

You do less work this way!

Anyway, take your time getting to know the person and building the relationship. Like I said, there is a sexiness in waiting. Here’s a great analogy: foreplay is as much a part of sex as the climax. So enjoy the journey to becoming official/sex! Waiting and anticipating helps build the tension and chemistry, so the payoff can be more rewarding and more enjoyable. ;-D

Think of all the romance books and movies you’ve ever read and watched. If the characters just had sex immediately, where would the fun be if we don’t get to see their relationship build? What would the rest of the story be about if sex is done and over with? What would we be working towards? Anticipating for?

What you would be watching or reading is a porno–not a real story, which is what you want to experience, right? You want to cry and laugh and get to know the characters. Root for their chemistry and love, too, right? That’s the experience you’re after when you immerse yourself into a story.

Likewise, you want that in your relationship, too, don’t you? In your story? To experience something real and meaningful with someone in person? To journey with them through life’s struggles and everyday problems? The chance to laugh, cry, and build memories with them, right?

That takes time and patience.

But the payoff for all that effort is an emotional connection–having something that is real, meaningful, and that stands the test of time.

Similarly, just like with foreplay, when you build connection, chemistry, and the tension to get to the payoff of climaxing, you need to build a relationship so when sex and an official relationship come out of it, the rewards are enjoyable and can be explosive.

That only happens with time, patience, and effort.

So wait if you want to! Waiting can be good.

That is why…

50. Be Careful with Lust

Something that burns fast, blows out quicker. Like I said, time matters. Be patient. Waiting can be good.

As much as I hate using this cliche, as the saying goes,

“good things come to those who wait.”

Usually.

Hey, I’m a cynic.

Thus, be careful with lust. Like I said before in Lesson 44: “don’t make decisions when you’re horny. Blood is not flowing to the correct place during those moments.”

When you’re lusting after someone, you’re not seeing them in the proper light and only seeing what you may only want to see.

Also, as stated, blood is not flowing to the correct place when you’re horny. You’re thinking with your private parts and NOT your brain. Which is most oftentimes never good.

As Robin Williams said,

The problem is, God gave man a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time.

As we discussed in Lesson 49, if you want to build something that lasts– which requires patience and time (and NO desperation), lust is not your friend.

A relationship built on lust will never last because love and a relationship is a CHOICE.

If you think lust means love or will keep you together, you’re in for a world of pain and are not really realistic. There are many other aspects to relationships and life throws a TON of things that dampen the mood whenever possible. Looks are important for attraction and maybe chemistry, but alone with lust, they don’t mean anything. We’ll discuss it further in a different post in the future, though.

Thank you for reading! The second part of the sex aspect of dating and relationships will be in Part 7. If you have any comments or thoughts, please share them below! If you don’t want to miss the release of my next post, please subscribe to this blog. Stay safe and healthy!

The 75+ Lessons You Should Know Before Dating (Part 6)