Note: featured image for this post is from The Guardian

Hi guys! I’m back with another Life blog post and today’s topic is yes…

Relationships.

*gasp*

Specifically dating!

(oooooh)

Even more specifically: why online dating sucks/is funny 

Image from The Washington Post

At least for me. 

Disclaimer: You’re entitled to your own opinion about online dating because you most likely have a different experience than me.

Well, you should because…I hope we’re not dating the same people. 

Anyway, I inserted myself into the dating scene because tick tock (!) I’m in my mid-20s and a few of my friends are married, some are about to, and others are in (long-term) relationships.

Image from Tenor

I like my single status though. Because I answer to no one!

It’s been a while since I’ve been in a relationship and I’m returning to this game because of familial pressure (“hey, why aren’t you married yet? You’re almost 30!”); I might be (a little) tired of being single; and I want that refreshing, playful flirt fest you get when you date that makes you feel special, flattered, and girly (;

And I need or reaaaally want a cuddle buddy.

Back on point, I am also trying it out because A LOT of comedians get a major source of their comedic material from this ultimate treasure trove and I’m a (self-proclaimed) comedian. 

So here goes: 5 Reasons Why Online Dating Sucks. Or is fun. Depending on who you ask.

1. It’s a Pictures/Looks -Based Game

Image from Saying Images

It takes a few seconds to make a first impression in real life be it in a job interview, the first day of school/work, or meeting someone new. On a dating app though, I’m willing to bet that it only takes just a measly two seconds. 

“Oh, this guy has a dreamy smile.”

Image from Giphy

“OMG, WHY WOULD YOU POST THAT HERE?!”

Image from Know Your Meme

That’s your extreme options. And then there’s the: hmm, he’s cute enough. Oh, why the hell not?

LOL.

Because of that sometimes split-second judgement, us singles have to make sure the first picture other potential dates see is worthy and candid. It has to tease and interest them to scroll or swipe for more photos of you because you’ve caught their curiosity.

And the reason why it sucks is–

I AM NOT A INSTAGRAM MODEL!!!

I’m not photogenic or picture perfect. I blink in 80-90% of pictures that my family snaps of me. Sometimes, my friends and family have considered just giving me tape to keep my eyes open until they’re done snapping pictures of me (and no, not because I’m Asian. I have large eyes, thank you very much).

Yes, for me, a good picture comes 1 out of every 50. Or once in a blue moon.

And no, I’m too poor to hire a professional photographer to get me some studio-esque shots. But I guess if I really want to impress…the photographer can have my wallet then. Or I should find some photography friends. 

This is why Donuts doesn’t have an Instagram, people. The camera doesn’t like her and she’s too photo-phobic/camera-shy.

2. Numbers Game

Image from Times of India

“Oh my gosh, this guy is HOOOOOTTTTT hehehe. I can’t believe I get to keep (I mean, err, date) him.”

“Wait, WHAT? He’s talking to TWENTY other women? Well eeeeeeff him!”

Image from Pinterest

Yeah, I know it’s the dating game and he’s playing the field as a single man and I know I’m not his girlfriend yet, but come ooon!

I’m a girl.

I want to feel special and be the only one he’s chatting to.

But that’s what you get for joining the dating game and falling for a player.

I want to feel, you know, rare? No, not like medium rare on your steak, but like special…and important. Have you guys seen Selena Gomez’s new song “Rare”? The lyrics and emotions (and the way she serenades the words) pretty much sums up my opinion on this matter.

Video from YouTube

3. Horrible Profile Pictures

Image from Pinterest

This one and Reason #4 below are my favorites. I have so many pet peeves/jokes for this reason, I’ll separate it into a mini-list.

a. Group Photos

Image from NJP Photography

Which one are you, buddy?

Depending on my mood, I’ll sometimes scroll through additional photos to figure out/hunt for which one they are, especially if one of the people in there is cute.

😉

Hahaha, there you are, you devil.

Found you.

Other times, I’m just too lazy to even try.

You know why?

Because ALL of their stupid photos are with friends.

Who am I dating? Cause if I get a choice, I’m choosing the cute one.

You better pray it’s you, bub. 

Hahaha. This one guy on one of the apps kept posting a picture with his one friend and other people. I couldn’t figure out who was the one using the app.

And another time, I found a guy who had a twin and in his profile biography/info place, he wrote: “I have a twin.” Great, so exactly which twin is the single one? And while we’re at it, HOW can I tell the difference between you two in real life?

Oh, you know what? Forget it. Not even worth my time.

b. Friends in Profile Pictures Part 2

Image from Ranker

I strongly, strongly recommend everyone not to post a picture of yourself with your friend. Because WHAT IF people saw your friend and thought they were cute and NOT you when you’re the one looking for a date?

Not a good idea. 

And how would I know that? Because…*raises hand* I was guilty of liking this one guy’s friend in one of his pictures and was actually planning to hit him up and get to know him and then ask him on the date “so is that friend of yours single?”

Until my sister hit my (raised) hand and said “be ashamed of yourself, child.”

Great, elaborate plan, amiright?

So, take it from me. DON’T post pictures of your friend unless you’d like to be their messenger/ wingman/woman.

c. Crotch Pictures

Image from Me.Me

I guess we know who wants some. 

Is this guy more proud of that head or his actual head?

Sorry, I couldn’t resist that joke (I apologize to the kids who have read this)!

But NO! I don’t want to see crotch photos. No one wants dick pics and just because yours is covered by a layer of boxers and jeans doesn’t make it any better!!!

d. Chest Pics

Okay, we get you work out, but I want to be attracted to a guy’s smile or his eyes and if his chest is his most proudest feature, is he suggesting that every date we go on, he’s going to have his shirt off? ‘Cause I don’t mind, but we have to find some restaurants that lets you do that, dude. And I don’t think that’s practical in the winter (*ahem*, only my most dirty-minded readers would understand that).

Careful, you’re going to poke someone’s eyes out with that.

e. Ab/Belly Pictures

Hey, brave points to the guys who don’t have six-pack abs, but there are TONS of guys who are very proud of those chocolate, diamond-cut abs and *drools* well, you know why hahaha.

f. Sunglasses

Hi sir, you have nice facial features, but are you like Cyclops from X-Man? ‘Cause can I see your eyes? Or do lasers shoot out from them if you take them off?

Legit, there was this one guy who on Hinge had all six of his profile pictures in sunglasses. Do you take them off inside or ever? They say “eyes are the windows to the soul” so what’s your soul like?

g. Girls in Pictures

Yeah, just because there’s a girl in your picture doesn’t mean you’re dating her. Buuuuut does she really have to be there? Sure, she could be your sister…until all your pictures has her in them. It makes me think of the “Friends” episode where Rachel had a crush on this one guy (Daniel?) who had a very (weird) intimate relationship with his sister. 

And I actually came across a profile where a guy actually admitted that he was already married and was looking for a partner for his wife.

Well, shit.

NEXXXTTTTTTT!

h. Kids in Pictures

Aww, you’re an uncle?

That’s so cute.

Okay, you’re a single dad?

Why not?

Until you date them and realize the kid is a monster.

Uh, okay so she/he comes with you, too? Wow, buy one, get one free, is it then? Nah, it’s okay buddy. I want kids, but just maybe not her/him.

i. Cupping a Bull Statue’s Balls

Funny?

Sure.

Impressive?

No.

Hotel?

Trivag–NO, no hotel. And NOT with you.

Sorry, I see that everywhere on YouTube and it irks me, so I’m making fun of it on here.

j. Car Photos

Ah, this brings me back to the nightmare first date I once had and pity my old self for. I sat through an entire texting session and first date with a guy who was obsessed with basketball shoes to the point where he buys them only to display around his house; has a whole room/altar for them; and just stares at them when he vapes.

He probably builds forts with the shoe boxes, too.

Look, mommy. Look, what I can do with all the money I make that could possibly feed a family starving in a third world country.

Anyway, this one guy had all six photos on Hinge with cars. So am I dating the car or him? ‘Cause honestly, that’s a nice car. Can I have the keys? Because forget you.

k. No Face/Memes

Why do you get to hide your face behind memes and cartoons and I have to show myself and be judged? That’s disingenuous, I thought, until I realized that this is probably a joke. Eff you, buddy, for making me scroll through 6 boring memes.

l. Pictures with Weapons and Scary Faces

Uh, no thanks buddy. I prefer to stay alive and um…you know fall in love? Is it Halloween right now?

*shudders*

It feels like going on a date with the Joker into a dark forest. I’m out!

4. Horrible Profile Information

The things you see on these dating apps are hilarious; so again, another mini-list of my favorites and most memorable profiles.

a. Hints of a Newly Single Man

This one guy posted something along the lines of “I want a girl who when she is mad will tell me she is mad and solve the issue right then and there and not bottle it up and be immature and so passive aggressive about it for the whole entire day.” 

Uhm, you okay there, buddy? Did someone hurt you? Did you just freshly leave a toxic relationship? And are we um…talking about someone specific here? Perhaps an…, I don’t know, an ex?

Note to self: avoid this guy. Bad idea, bad idea. No amount of hotness is worth this.  

Just imagine the first date. “So what’s your greatest pet peeve?”

*Inhales deeply*

“Don’t get me started.”

Oh shit.

b. Netflix and Chill

Image from Scoop

Well, hot damn. 

I just learned this was code for sex.

Sex.

Yes, laugh at me.

I figured it out when I was caught in a sexting conversation with this one dude and my friend had to explain this to me (and feel sorry for/laugh at me).

It’s okay, Donuts. The world’s just…wow.

Okay, Donuts, someone is a Boomer.

Just imagine if I had come over to his place and thought we would actually be Netflixing and chilling? You know, do cute, cuddling stuff while watching Disney movies or random documentaries?

And then picture my face when he pulls out a condom.

(Safety first, kids).

Wait, wait, wait. Hold up, what’s going on?! I thought we were watching “Friends”! 

c. Unrealistic Expectations

No buddy, I want to get married one day. But not tomorrow, not next month, and not to help you come to America. 

OH? You want a wife who can cook and clean and do other wifey things? Well, I’m not the right girl for you. My college friend and I once couldn’t enjoy an entire Thanksgiving weekend because we both weren’t sure if *I* turned off the stove in her apartment and we weren’t willing to drive ALL the way back to check (hey, gas costs money…then again, so does an entire apartment complex…). So unless you want a girl who should never touch a stove to cook for you and is a fire hazard, marry me. But I don’t want you.

On a serious note though, I can cook. But I am not willing to cook for anyone 3 times a day, 7 times a week, 365 days a year. I’d rather starve to death.

Til death do us part, bitch.

d. “I want a girl who is family oriented”

Psst, hey girls. That’s code for you’re going to be doing the cooking and the cleaning and my mother will drop by every so often to drive you nuts and control/order/criticize you on how to take care of the house, her son, and her grandkids. 

Get out while you can.

e. “I am a doctor / dentist / pharmacist / lawyer / dermatologist”

As an Asian American woman dating Asian American guys, I peace out when I see that. I’m not a doctor/dentist/pharmacist/lawyer/dermatologist. So when I finally meet the parents, I know I’m going to be asked why I am not a doctor/dentist/pharmacist/lawyer/dermatologist and why I am not good enough for their doctor/dentist/pharmacist/lawyer/dermatologist son.

I copied and pasted that. Hell no, am I retyping that shit again.

Plus, it most likely/often means the family is very prideful and traditional/conservative, so I will always be around the in-laws and dealing with their opinions and criticisms of me and never meet/live up to their expectations which doesn’t sit well with me. I’d rather die alone. Of course, there are exceptions to that, but I’m not willing to try and find out.

f. “I bet you can’t cook better than my mom”

HAH!

I’d be a fool to take that bet. You can very well stay with your mama then. Because as you can see above, again, “I can cook. But I am not willing to cook for anyone 3 times a day, 7 times a week, 365 days a year.” And I sure as hell won’t be doing it if you’re going to be comparing me to your mom.

For the rest of our lives together.

Image from MakeAGIF

I’ll bet though, that your wife is going to be one miserable woman.

Tip: No self-respecting woman should date a mama’s boy.

I once knew a guy who worshiped his mom. I told him about drama in my family and he actually said “well, you don’t have it as bad as my mom did. She used to be beaten until she passed out and she’s a strong woman.” Wait, we weren’t talking about your mom though…

Take it from me, ladies. Any man who loves his mom so much will be a living nightmare to date/be married too. You’ll always be compared to her.

By the way, anyone ever heard Jennifer Lopez’s song “Ain’t Your Mama”? Great anthem.

Video from YouTube

g. Weird / Gross Habits

This one guy says he dips his peanut butter sandwiches in orange juice.

*gags*

Okay, if you like that, you do you. Excuse me, though while I go to the bathroom to…

Image from Giphy

h. Unrealistic Expectations Part 2

“I’ll fall for you if you love my dog.”

Great.

Hi, your dog just bit me in the leg and I hate it. Guess, I’ll just find my way out of here.

5. Ghosting

Aww, I was speaking to a coward who couldn’t even say and didn’t even have the courtesy to say “sorry, not interested anymore” or “sorry, bye”? Damn. Oh wells. 

---

That’s it for this post! I hope you guys enjoyed it. If you have any more reasons you’d like to add or suggest to this list, please share it in the comment section below! I love discussing about relationships and connecting with people about their dating experience. If you enjoyed this post, you’ll surely like my First Date post. Just click on the word/link and you’ll be taken straight to it (: There’s also other topics I discuss on this blog if you click on the tabs on the menu up above. Enjoy!