We’re back with another dating post! This will be Part 2 of my 75+ Lessons You Should Know Before Dating series. 

If you have not seen Part 1, click on the link (Part 1) and you’ll be taken there. 

Let’s dive right in.

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6) Be You

Everyone has insecurities. There is always something about themselves that they do not like. I have cellulite and small pooch I’d love to get rid of. I have a bad habit of not being able to stand up for myself and I squeeze my toothpaste from wherever I grab the tube. I have to find someone who will be compatible with me; who will accept me for me; and who can tolerate those shortcomings because they love me.

If you cannot be yourself and have to hide your “flaws” around someone, they are not the one for you.

If you cannot be yourself and have to hide a part, or parts, of yourself, that’s not a good mindset or a relationship you should be in. I don’t know about you, but I would rather much be in a relationship where I am loved and accepted for who I am instead of hiding and lying to be loved for who I am not. It’s so much easier and free-er to not have to live a fake life or a life of lies than it is live a life that is full of fear, anxiety, and thoughts such as “oh my gosh, will he/she still love if he/she hears me fart as I poop?”

Be yourself. If you’re a nerdy girl who likes to read, don’t pretend that you love hikes (if you don’t). If you’re a gamer, don’t pretend you’re a clubber (if you’re not). As I said before, perfection does not exist, so do not try to be the perfect girlfriend or boyfriend material while you’re dating.

Don’t try to impress someone and try to win their heart if you can’t be the most authentic, original, and unique version of you.

Do what you like, enjoy, and are passionate about; let people fall in love and gravitate to you because they see that you’re beautiful being in your element. 

I’ve heard stories of girls pretending to like hiking when they’re dating guys and when they finally become official, they give up on pretending to be that person the guy was falling in love with. There are other situations where people would pretend to be into things they weren’t and when they get married, it threw their partner into a shock when they realized the person they dated and fell for did not actually like any of the activities they did together while dating. That’s not fair to you to have to endure the torture of trying to keep your partner interested in you by doing an activity you hate or do not really appreciate. On the other hand, it’s definitely not fair to your partner to be tricked into believing that you genuinely enjoyed the shared activity over the years and fall in love with those memories spent and this fake person only to be snagged into a fake marriage. 

Don’t do that to yourself or your partner. It’s not nice and not cool.

In addition, as I mentioned in the last post, boundaries is a form of self-love and self-respect. You have to have boundaries as you date and in life, in general, when it comes to having any sort of relationship with anybody. Therefore, don’t pretend to be the “cool girlfriend” if you sincerely hate the fact that your boyfriend has a ton of girl friends or texts a bunch of “flirty” emojis to his female coworker(s).

Try to work out those feelings of mistrust and jealousy with your partner. Decide if it’s a deal breaker for you two. If it is, find someone else who respects and understands your mentality, and who can be compatible with you on that front. Do not settle for less and do not be in a relationship where you’re stressed and anxious all the time. Of course, if you’re extremely paranoid and have to put a GPS tracker on your partner to feel satisfied or relief, you have trust issues that you need to work on because no one’s freedom should be limited or controlled to that extent, official or not.

7) If someone cannot handle your “flaws” and criticizes you for them, leave them. It won’t work out in the future.

I was fighting with one of my dates on only our second date. Apparently, some people think that using a condom to have safe sex is being paranoid. If I’m not feeling comfortable or safe while doing it, we’re not going to do it. STDs and pregnancy scares are too high of a risk for me to just get sexy for a few minutes. No way. A baby I am not ready for or do not want yet is not fair to the accidentally-conceived baby. And a disease that could stay with me until my death and affect my future relationships with other potential lovers is a no-go for me. My point is: through this experience, it taught me that someone who does not respect your ability to take care of your health and consider your future, should never get a second date or chance to see you ever again. 

If they say that you “overthink” because you’re worried about your safety and health; if they say that you feel too much because you’re emotionally mature and they refuse to ever deal with any emotion; or if they say you’re too nice and innocent to match their bad-ass, dangerous lifestyle, leave them. 

If you’ve been sexually assaulted and told them that their interactions with you reminds you of that horrible past and they laugh at you, leave. Do not let anyone trivialize your insecurities; traumatic events that happened to you; or your horrible childhood. 

If they want you to dress up better; have your make-up done; your hair dyed; and/or all your clothes be brand-named and YOU’RE not all comfortable with it, leave them. If they want you to lose weight to be like those Instagram models or be those pretty high school girls/hot high school guys who are your classmates, leave them. You’re a trophy wife/husband/arm decoration to them and someone they have around only to impress their friends and/or improve their social image.

Change for yourself.

Change only when you want to or when you’re comfortable with it.

Change only happens though when it comes genuinely from inside of you. Because you want it and you want to. And when you change for the better because you, yourself, personally and wholeheartedly wanted it, only then can you be able to achieve it successfully and meaningfully.

In essence, don’t let someone change you into someone you don’t want to be or won’t recognize anymore one day. Because everyday, it’s YOU who looks into the mirror to see yourself. It’s your body (you should have control over it!) and YOU are the one who gets to decide what to do with it. And you better recognize who that is you’re staring at in the mirror every morning. Don’t wake up one day and realize you’re a stranger in your own body.

8) A healthy attitude about relationships and love is important and matters

I grew up with the idea that I had to please my husband (I’m Asian American). I had to be this perfect, dutiful wife while my husband could be whatever he wanted and do whatever he wanted as long as he was the bread winner. I was taught that the men chose the women and that they didn’t have to fix or try to behave themselves; they were the decision makers and were already perfect. Did I mention I had to work on myself and be the best possible potential candidate for a wife in order to be chosen?

My worth and purpose in life came from men and how they saw and perceived me. If I satisfied them, made them happy, and served them well, that meant I was the perfect person, woman, and wife. I was told to settle and not be picky. I was also told that I’d never be happy if I talked back and had boundaries. All these lessons were taught to me as a child and internalized within my psyche. And they influenced how I dated and wove themselves into my interactions with my dates, from the behaviors I tolerated to how my boundaries were respected, or rather, neglected.

That is why I said in the first post that your childhood demons will present themselves to you in your dating life. That is why it is up to you to discover them, become aware of them, and stomp them out. Or at least work on them, because some of them are tough to deal with, difficult to overcome, and sometimes even impossible to conquer over. 

I realized now that my worth comes from within; pursuing my passions; achieving my dreams; and living my life my way. People come and go in your life, and divorce is nowadays a possibility for all marriages and can leave you devastated in the aftermath of it. However, if my identity comes from within, and I am not dependent or reliant on someone giving me meaning in my life, divorce will still hurt (because I imagine I did fall in love with my partner), but it should and would not destroy me if a divorce does happen.

I also realized that we should ignore the outer voices in the world. Find your inner voice.

Get married because you want to, not because you’re rushed or pressured to. Date whenever you’re comfortable. You’re the one who’s going to be in a relationship or marry your partner and you will be the one dealing with them for the rest of your (and their life). Hence, all that matters is you and what you think, feel, and decide. I don’t care if your mom or dad told you something else. They should not have a hand in all your decisions in life and they should not control you, your partner, and both of you guys’ relationship. Your parents are not the one dating, are not the one marrying, and definitely are not the ones living your love life. Take this advice seriously. And this is coming from an Asian American woman.

While we’re at it, there is no such thing as a timeline and your ability to have kids before 40 should not be or feel like a ticking time bomb. Furthermore, just because all your friends are in a relationship or are all getting married, doesn’t mean you should. Everyone hits different milestones differently and at their own pace. If everyone got married at thirty and had all their kids by 35, wouldn’t that make for a boring, robotic, cookie-cutter world?

Life’s more interesting because there are multiple chances to date, remarry, or get married for the first time at 50 with the RIGHT person.

Who cares what people think! Live life being the better version of you everyday rather than comparing yourself to others.  And find your self-worth doing things for you. As I said in the previous post, take care of yourself before you take care of others. Don’t feel that you’re a successful wife or husband because you successfully serve your significant other. Life is a long journey, you have plenty of time to fall in love. But you also have all that time to learn, grow, and take care of yourself. You need to fall in love with you before you fall for someone else.

You don’t need to be married at 25. In this day and age, people are living to 85 (or even longer if you’re healthy!). You have 60 years you can spend with someone, or 60 years to find out more about yourself and living your best life. I’m still discovering things about myself everyday that I haven’t realized being in the same body for 25 years. And that’s me being single. My identity does’t revolve around being in a relationship (and I’m glad it isn’t!). Neither should you. Fall in love with yourself and explore the world around you on your own if you can! Like I said in the last post, if you’re out in the world loving and improving yourself (doing stuff you love!), your energy will have a special someone gravitating to you in no time. You just increase the chance of meeting that someone if you’re out there in the world and not bolted up inside your house.

9) Having a healthy mindset is also important

Don’t go into a relationship looking to be “completed” by somebody either. You and your partner are not two halves meant to be together; you have not been lucky or destined to have found each other. It’s important to know and be sure of who you are first–be an independent unit yourself–before you find someone to share a life with. Do not morph into one being because if things end, you’re going to be devastated. Heartbreak should hurt, but you shouldn’t depend on another human being to live, breath, and experience life. 

When you are your own individual being, and are proud and comfortable under your own skin, you will be loved and cherished as you are and the way you deserve to be.

You will be able to attract someone who will accept you as you are. They will not be able to mold you into something you are not, don’t want to be, and/or what they want you to be for them. This also prevents you from losing who you really are. Have and know your own identity before getting into a relationship. Otherwise, it will be hard distinguishing between the two (the “you”/”I” identity vs the “us”/”we” identity) or becoming something you’re not. Then, it’ll be difficult to go back to who you once were before the relationship when the relationship fails.

Remember, you want your partner to complement you, not complete you.

And this brings on my next lesson…

10) The person you will date or have a relationship with is a person

As I said in the previous post, people are multi-dimensional and cannot just conveniently fit into a checklist that you made. Know that they have their own feelings, personal shortcomings, inner demons, and hidden (or embarrassing) insecurities. Treat them like the human you are. 

Moreover, do not use your partner/date as an object for your affection. That is why I continue stressing that it’s important to be your own being and to have self-love. When you have self-love, it’s easier to not fall into the trap of giving love to someone because it gives you an emotional high. When you love yourself, you also love the person in a healthy manner, too. You won’t suffocate or smother them with a false, artificial definition of love and you won’t use them like a doll that you keep feeding love to without end. 

11) Don’t buy into those relationship videos (or articles) that promise you fake tips on love, relationships, men, and/or women

You know those videos you find on YouTube that have thumbnails and titles that promise you tips such as “20 ways to make him fall in love with you forever” or “15 ways to keep him wanting more”?

Yeah, no. I know I will keep repeating it, but I can’t stress and say it enough.

BE YOURSELF.

It is better to be loved, cherished, and accepted for who you really are than follow some nutcase’s tips and tricks to hook a person into loving you a specific way. If you have to work that hard to keep someone in your life, it won’t work. One: what, are you going to keep doing that until marriage? Until you’re both on your death bed? No way. That’s too much work living a life of unauthentic lies.

Two, don’t trick the person you’re getting in a relationship with. As I said before, it’s not fair to them. And three, love is a choice. If you want real love, let them choose to pick you, every single day for the rest of their lives. That is a more meaningful, more powerful, more heartfelt love. Plus, I’m trying to help you save time and money from those so-called “relationship gurus” or self-proclaimed love experts. Don’t fall for their scams.

12) Love is NOT like Disney, rom-coms, or any romance movies or novels

Forget Disney, rom-coms, and all romance movies and novels. Get them out of your head because reality is MUCH different than fantasy. 

I learned the hard way that life (reality) is much, much, MUCH different than the fantasy we see on the big screen/silver screen for Disney movies, rom-coms, and romance movies, and romance novels. I have now realized that my limitless consumption of these products have brainwashed me into thinking that love is the ultimate force that fixes all. I had believed that love is easy, and is so magical and perfect; that there is someone out there who will be my Prince Charming and come to save the day and sweep me off my feet; or that my future partner will know every button on my body to make me swoon, gush, and orgasm. 

That does not exist. My third date showed me just how POWERFUL the media is at shaping our perceptions of the world, men/women, and of love. Women are such hungry consumers of these products and I believe it has created a misunderstanding of love, romance, and men/women that has led to some much unnecessary heartbreaks, pain, and failed relationships.

First of all, people are FLAWED because we are only human. We each (and all) have our own baggage, problems, and life to deal with. If someone is willing to be your partner, then they’ll fight to stay by your side through all of life’s ups and downs. However, they cannot and should not save you from any personal battles you are currently facing; and you SHOULD NOT depend on them to save you.

Love is NOT the glue to a romantic relationship. It’s only the icing on the cake. It’s a choice.  

Lastly, when you do anything intimate with your partner, communicate with them! They cannot mind-read and no matter how experienced someone is, what they know that works with one former partner might not work with you and your body. THAT is exactly why, you need to date and meet a lot of people. To learn more about yourself through interacting with others. I wouldn’t know any of these lessons that I’m typing had I just sat at home twiddling my thumb.

Of course, there can be someone who can give you that Disney or romantic fantasy you’ve always dreamed of as a kid. However, you have to find them and they have to be willing to give that to you. BUT(!) do not for one second think that love is easy. Love, again, is a choice and you’re going to have to decide if you will still love your Prince or Princess Charming when they’re puking or farting in your presence and you have to clean something up.

13) There’s no “The One”

There is NO such thing as The One, destiny, fate, twin flames, your other half, soulmates, magic, or any of that crazy B.S. Like I said before, love is a choice and is NOT the glue to a romantic relationship. It’s as Mark Manson put it, a neutral force. Love will not solve all your problems or save a marriage.

The only real love out there that you should experience is with the one person you see every morning in the mirror when you wake up to brush your teeth. That’s the person you should love every day until the day you die. That person and your own blood and flesh (your kids).

Relationships are based on trust, respect, and communication. It takes hard work, time, and patience. Believing that love alone will magically bring everything together and make things easily work is silly, childish, and unrealistic.

This kind of mindset will also make you feel like you are not responsible for what happens between you and your partner. A belief in fate and other uncontrollable forces also conveniently take the burden of responsibility out of the relationship. And that’s not a good thing. There should be active effort from both parties in a relationship to make it successful, work, flourish, and thrive. 

14) Dating is a Numbers Game

It’s going to take a lot of hard work to weed and filter through your dating pool.

If you’re looking for the person who you will eventually be in an official relationship with, he/she will MOST LIKELY not be the first 5-10 guys/gals you’re going to meet. Unless you’re one of those lucky people who have met your significant other in high school, college, or have been fortunate enough to never have to brave the battlefield of dating.

Yes, we’re all envious of you.

Anyway, for the mortals among us who have to whether through the dating world, dates are generally not successful after the first few dates. I’m on my journey to meeting Mr. Date #4 and he most likely won’t be the one proposing to me one day. And that’s okay. Seven billion people and it just takes one amazing person to end this journey. However, during this quest to find this person, the opportunity gives me more a chance to meet new people and learn more about myself. Adopt that mentality and you’ll be A- okay.

Be aware that you’re going to be kissing a line/bunch of toads (sometimes literally) before you find that guy/gal you’ve been hoping exists out there and who you have been waiting for. You’re going to meet a lot of interesting people while you wade through the dating pool, which takes us to the next lesson…

15) Beware of Bad People

My friend has this wonderful advice: dating is like climbing a tree. You’re going to be biting into a lot of horrible, sour, rotten, moldy fruit (her example was apples!) on your way to the top where the best tasting fruits are. In other words, you’re going to meet a lot of rotten, bad, terrible (or okay) people before you find your significant other. That means you’ll probably be kissing a lot, and I mean A LOT of toads. So if you’re not prepared for that…well, I don’t know what to say, other than good for you for not kissing every body.

I WILL say something: you will learn a LOT more from dating a horrible person than you will dating a gentleman/gentlewomen (-: . The horrible person will show you what you don’t want and how you don’t want to be treated. Additionally, they will teach you about the red flags you had ignored and had let slide previously so that you can be more aware of them in the future. These people will help you develop and become more hyper-aware of your boundaries and what behaviors you can tolerate. Moreover, they will make you become more wiser as you continue trekking through the dating world. Hey, they’re doing us a favor. Even if it’s sometimes awful, hurtful, painful, or cringe-y.

And this takes us to the last lesson for this post…

16) Patience is Important

I’m going to stress this for you and for me: you’re looking to find the RIGHT person for you; the person who is the MOST compatible for you; the BEST person out of the crop. NOT the first person to give or show you any interest. You might hit dating fatigue and start to hate the sex of your dating choice. You’ll be hurt and sometimes unintentionally hurt others. So be careful with who you invest your time, effort, and heart with. Your objective is to find the right person for YOU and it only takes just one to end your dating journey and start enjoying an official relationship.

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That’s it for Part 2. If you have not checked out Part 1, just click on the link and you will be taken there. I also have more content that you can check out on this blog, too, from anime to Asian American topics. Please let me know what you think of this post in the comments below or email me if you’re shy. Next week I’ll be posting an article about what it means to be an Asian American since May is Asian Pacific Islander Heritage month and I would like to celebrate it on this blog. Part 3 of this series is right >>here<<. You can subscribe to my blog to never miss a post. Stay safe, healthy, and happy, guys! Thank you for reading!