Watch out for the influences that your own imagination and expectations will have on your dating journey; be aware and on the lookout for the disparities of what you have in your mind versus what’s actually present and happening in reality.

Welcome back to another blog post about dating! Today, we will talk about the process of getting to know someone and what you should be aware of (or look out for) as you date.

So you are not overwhelmed, the list of lessons we have already discussed and covered in previous blogs is accessible here.

67. Expect Rejection; Don’t Think Every Date Will Go Well

Drop the need to always win, succeed, or never get rejected. If a date doesn’t go well, do not take it personally. Don’t go into a date thinking that if the person doesn’t like you, you are the problem. Most importantly, do not expect that the date will go well.

For anyone who worries about being liked by others, let me put it into perspective for you. No matter what you do in life, even if you’re the best at your craft or incredibly amazing, you will not be liked, loved, or lauded by everyone. Think of celebrities. Does EVERYONE like BTS, Beyonce, or Taylor Swift? There will always be critics and haters, or people who will never jump onto the bandwagon.

Apply that to your life. No matter how talented, kind, beautiful, or just how insanely incredible you are, there will always be someone who doesn’t think you’re all that. But who cares?

My point is, when you go on dates, you will not be liked, loved, or lauded by everyone–in other words, every date you meet–just like those popular celebrities that I mentioned above are not ever going to be adored by every single person on this planet.

But does that mean you are any less valuable as a person? Hell no. BTS, Beyonce, and Taylor Swift are the best in their industry. They have won multiple awards across the span of their careers. Just because there are some haters and critics for them doesn’t mean they are not valuable to their fans or are useless to the world. They still are powerhouses to their respective communities, Black people and the young.

What I am saying is: because you will NOT click with everyone you date, go into a date ready to receive a rejection.

But be ready to give a rejection, too.

Yes, you forgot about that, didn’t you? _{Or did not even realize it lol.} YOU (also) have that power to reject the other person/your date, too. You don’t have to like your date, either!

It takes two to have a relationship. You will have as much a part, role, and say in a relationship as your partner does; so YOU get to decide whether you like them enough to let them spend more time with you AND if you will one day give them the honor of having the title of being your romantic partner or not.

Essentially, rejection is normal. And it will happen a LOT. In fact, it should happen a lot. You need to meet many and different kinds of people–see what the world has to offer! Meanwhile, the process will help you learn more about yourself (helping you discover your likes and dislikes) and also toughen you up (you grow a thicker skin, because what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!), so when you do find the right person, it will be worth it after such a long journey, so much time and effort, and so many “failures” (I say failures in quotes because these aren’t failures; rather, they are lessons). Most of all, you will be more appreciative of what you have when you do find what you are looking for AND you will have grown into a wiser, stronger person.

Remember: it only takes ONE person who is compatible with you to “succeed” in dating. And then, the rest is history!

Also, don’t let rejection ruin your spirit or discourage you. It’s all a learning process; a part of being human and growing up. Let me give you an analogy: you probably have a favorite food right now. However, if you had the chance to travel the world and try foods from different places across various countries and cultures, I am sure you will discover something else that would outshine the food you love the most right now. Traveling broadens your horizons and offers you a wider landscape to experience and view the world; the same applies for dating. People are as abundant in differences as there are different foods across the planet. Let dating be like an All You Can Eat buffet. You get to try everything on the menu; taste this and that before you settle on one food or one person you will promise to be committed to.

An interesting thing I noticed while dating too is that sometimes the person you meet on dates may challenge your world view, share with you a different life experience, or even open your eyes to what you may never knew even existed. People are shaped by different environments, experiences, and events–both good and bad–in their lives and you get to see how it transformed them into the person they are sitting across from you at a cafe or restaurant. Focus on seeing how they came to be instead of what the results of the date will be. It will give you a richer dating experience and offer more knowledge about life to you 🙂

Going back to rejection, though, don’t take it personally when it happens to you. And don’t be afraid of it. Or let it terrify or grip you. Don’t let it define or let it be a reflection of you. If it happens, it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you, or that you are less valued, less of a person, or are not good enough. You can’t marry everyone you date. YOU have a personality that can’t possibly click with everyone’s. Someone will always not get along with you–yes, just because! And like celebrities, you can’t be loved by everyone. So don’t try to be. It’s not worth it (the time or effort) and will drive you crazy.

Imagine someone you admire or respect. A big name, especially. No matter who you think of, they have someone who doesn’t like them. Trust me.

Do not think that just because a first date–or any date–went poorly that that is a reflection of YOU. Or that it’s a sign that you’re a loser, that you’re unsuccessful with dating, not meant for dating, not good enough overall, and/or that you’re ugly and that no one will ever like you. Rejection and failure is and will ALWAYS be part of life.

You can fear, whine, and bitch about it, OR learn from what happened, stop playing the victim, and be a warrior instead.

Don’t let anyone break you, either. You’re the main character of your life, of your story and people don’t root for pitiful protagonists who cry “woe is me” the entire time. We root for the flawed, but determined ones who kick ass, improve, and win eventually. You just have to work your way to that day, to that place you want to be. And it’s okay to take missteps, to stumble along the way.

Be you and keep dating until you meet someone who likes and clicks with you for YOU. And accept rejection as part of the process. Yes, it sucks and can be painful, but if you want to grow and learn, you must always overcome uncomfortable conditions to do so. On another note, don’t see rejection as a sign of failure; instead, see it as a sign that you guys just don’t match.

Reminder: dating and relationships are always about compatibility.

Bringing this into a full circle, you don’t have to listen to BTS, Beyonce, or Taylor Swift music. You have other options. But that, again, doesn’t mean they aren’t still good to someone else’s ears. Like mine 🙂 And look at superstars such as Taylor Swift and Ariana Grande. They had to date multiple guys before they found who they are currently dating or engaged to. Even for them–both talented and gorgeous women–dating is hard. It IS hard. And it’s supposed to be! So when you finally meet the person who just clicks with you, it will feel amazing to have them and will be easy to value and cherish that special person.

68. Do Not Have ANY Expectations Going Into the Date

Otherwise, you risk clouding your judgement. There is always the risk of falling in love with the idea of someone, rather than the actual person (who they really are). That is why I strongly recommend being cautious and wary about a person when meeting them, especially on the first few dates and encounters. People can hide their real faces and true intentions well for a long time. So be careful of that.

Sometimes, after a really good first, second, or even third date, you will start to imagine marrying that person. Sure, some people do get married after just a few months or even two months of dating. BUT THAT IS RARE. Just because someone won the lottery doesn’t mean you will win it next. You’re going to have to keep buying those tickets to increase your chances of winning–to win even a few bucks. Same thing with dating! I told you guys before that dating is a numbers game. You gotta sift through a pool of incompatible people to find the person most right for YOU.

Also, when your judgement is clouded–when you become infatuated with someone without really knowing them–all you will see is red (A.K.A love). And you will NOT see the red flags and/or notice other signs that the date should not continue and will eventually fail. In other words, the rose colored glasses you put on when infatuated with someone will filter out the red flags and make them look like just what they will be: basic flags.

That won’t be wise especially when you need those flags to help guide you through dating to wade through the sea of countless incompatible suitors.

Furthermore, you should NOT be imagining what life will be like with someone after the first (or first few) date(s). Then, you’re creating an image of someone you hope they can be for YOU, rather than loving your date as they are or at least getting to know them first and seeing if they are a right fit for you. Don’t fall into that trap.

Look, you can day dream about them and what a future with them could be like, or look like, if you want to–I can’t stop your thoughts. However, even though it’s frowned down upon, you should know that doing this–dreaming about the future after a great date–is normal. Still, there’s a reason why people suggest against it; you’re getting into dangerous waters by clouding your judgement.

You need to get to know a person really well first before making a real commitment to them. This way, you have time to learn as much about them and to consider them objectively before becoming official with them. Alternatively, think of it this way: you wouldn’t sign important documents in a rush and/or drunk, would you? Therefore, why be intoxicated with the mere idea of a person, or the concept of love, and using that emotional high you get from either or both to get into a potential relationship/commitment that might be detrimental to you?

That is why I warn you: be wise, be patient, and be careful. Tread lightly and slowly. It takes time to know people. Love takes time to develop, to nurture, to grow. As they say, “the best things come to those who wait.” Remember, this is a marathon, and not a sprint. You want a spark, but not an explosion that dies after one moment. I know you want something that lasts; something that is for the long run. A slow-burning flame that doesn’t just appear and disappear. Here one moment, and gone the next. So don’t jump the gun so fast.

Have some patience. Enjoy the journey too and do not be consumed with just the results.

Love is not like fairy tales. There is no perfection, fate, or moments prophesized by the heavens. It’s very likely you will be hurt from dating. Your heart is on the line. You will feel all the consequences of your choices. Therefore, approach dating cautiously and most importantly, with a CLEAR mind.

There is a difference between getting a sense of someone and then really KNOWING someone. I once got to know this guy who seemed really considerate through text. After meeting and interacting with him a few times, I realized he was not who I thought he was. In fact, he wasn’t as considerate of a person in real life as he was through texting.

If you let your preconceived notions of your date cloud your judgement, it will be like putting on rose-colored glasses, as we had discussed up above. You will not see red flags–big warnings that you should not continue a date or relationship with your person of interest. Instead, you will continue in an ignorant bliss with your date/relationship and will think all the red flags just look like other normal flags/just flags. I promise you this will backfire in the future and hurt you. And I don’t want you to be unnecessarily hurt.

BOTTOM LINE: when you go on dates, especially FIRST dates, have ZERO expectations.

Even if you matched with the CEO of a tech company. As I said above, some people are very different in person or hide their true personality with a nice-person, goody-two-shoes facade. Moreover, some people are good on paper, but are horrible people personality- or social-wise. They can be a doctor who is arrogant, judgmental, and sadistic. Before a date, just tell yourself that you will try to enjoy the date with/in good company (hopefully), that’s it. Don’t hype yourself up. The lower the expectations, the better. Just think: “hey Life, surprise me.”

Now, some of you might be wondering, how long until you know if a person is real? Is who they truly are? When will you know that you like a person for who they are and not who you think they are? Honestly speaking, I can’t give you a definite answer or timeline.

Experts say that after about six months, people are usually out of the Honeymoon Phase of dating. Other times, I have seen that it takes two years to really get to know someone before it’s considered the best time to think about engagement and marriage; you know, taking that next big, special step in the relationship. I can’t say for sure.

All I can say is try to see how the person you’re interested in is, or acts, in different situations, around other people. How do they treat people who they (or who society) consider(s) “inferior” to them, such as waiters/waitresses, taxi/bus drivers, etc.? How are they around your friends and family? What are their private thoughts and opinions?

YOU are (and are supposed to be) the judge. Because YOU are (or rather, will be) the one dating them and not me 🙂 Decide who YOU want to keep around you as company for life since you’ll be the one establishing, developing, and building a relationship with them!

69. Be Careful with Falling in Love with What You Want to See Rather Than What You Actually Have in Front of You

I recently realized that I had never ever fallen in love before; but that I, in the past, had actually been falling in love with the idea of love. Back in January 2020, I had been freaking out as a mid-20-something-year-old woman. Most of my friends were/are in relationships, some were/are getting married, others were/are already married, and a couple even had children already. And my parents were pressuring me to find someone.

In the end, I did find someone. But having had not been in a relationship since I was in my late teens, getting rusty with love after so much off time, I started envisioning what life with my date would be like in the future, falling in love with what could be, instead of realizing that he was not the right person for me or was not compatible with my personality.

Like growing a plant or raising a child, you should accept a relationship as it is. Do NOT force it to be different from what it is. Otherwise, you are coercing it into something you want it to be, imposing yourself onto it, rather than loving it and the person you’re in a relationship with naturally, the way he/she already are.

70. On the Flip Side, Do NOT Try to Force Someone to Become Who You Want Them To Be

Oftentimes, who you meet is what you get. In other words, who you meet on your date is usually who that person already is. They are who they are and there’s nothing you can do about it if you don’t like it. People are shaped by their experiences, life events, and the environment they grew up and were raised in. So were/are you.

You cannot change anyone who doesn’t want to change. And you most certainly cannot (and should not try to) change someone you just barely met (you’re essentially a nobody to them at this point, so why should you think you would have such an influence on them or that you have the right to have such an input to change them at this time?). You just have to accept who they are and decide for yourself whether they are compatible with you and are worth your time enough to continue seeing them for future dates.

Basically, you must decide on the date that you either like your date or you don’t. And if you don’t, then just leave. Make the process as easy as possible; that way, it will save you both the trouble and drama of delaying a future heartbreak (which usually happens when someone is strung along and becoming attached).

During this initial stage of dating, when you’re getting to know the person and deciding whether or not you like them, it is best not to have expectations right here. Because if you have those rose-colored glasses on (which come after you conjure up your expectations) at this point, it will complicate things and make it harder to definitively decide whether this person is good company for you or not.

Take it from my personal experience: the guy I had mentioned up above–when I had met him, I had become infatuated with him after one good date. But I had not really liked him for him; no, rather, I liked the idea of him. After that one good first date, I had already imagined a future with him and had wanted him to be who I needed and wanted him to be for me.

This was wrong of me. Absolutely wrong. I was pushing him to become someone I dreamt up, imposing myself and my desires onto him, rather than accepting him for who he was and where he was coming from as his own individual person. Furthermore, I was forcing my idea and my definition of what love is and what it meant to me onto him and expecting him to morph into that fantasy. I wasn’t really in love with him and did not see him for who he actually was. So my infatuation was misplaced.

Long story short: We ended up parting ways and that was a good thing. I had ended up hurting myself and I wonder what I did to him. I believe to this day that a further and deeper relationship between us would not have been fair for either of us. It would not have been real nor true.

LESSON LEARNED: do not mold someone into your fantasy because you will fall in love with the fantasy YOU made up and not be in love with them, an actual human being. That’s not right because then you will be disappointed, potentially disappear one day, or no longer love them when they don’t fulfill that fantasy you formed in your mind. And you will be turned off by their human flaws which everyone deserves to have because well, we’re all humans. Lastly, someone will get hurt unnecessarily. And that’s never a good thing.

On the flip side, I believe you also want to be loved for you; not some fantasy-version of you your date made up in their head, right? Hence, be careful with how fantasies can play with both your head and your heart.

Additionally, you also want someone to love you the way that comes naturally for them so that it is sincere when they do announce their love you. If you have to control and mold their love for you into a way that fits you, they’re not loving you naturally or in a way that’s personal and authentic to them. It won’t be fair for either of you and it would be kind of like a processed or artificial love, one that you buy, rather than one that is pure and organic.

Everyone deserves love that is genuine from their significant other. Thus, when dating, although it is normal to have fantasies, be aware of how they can affect your relationships and romantic journey.

71. Be Careful of Someone’s Virtual Persona versus their Real-Life Persona

Remember how I said up above in Lesson #68 that there is a difference between getting a sense of someone and actually KNOWING them? That lesson applies to the communication aspect of dating, especially for the initial phases of online dating.

Texting is NOT a great way to know someone. Sure, it can be used to gauge interest and effort, or see if there is a spark, a flow, or a certain level of chemistry between you two. However, conversations over the phone or computer via messaging can be different than getting to know someone in real life, in person, face to face.

I already mentioned above that the guy I had been seeing appeared to be considerate over text. But after a few encounters, I realized he wasn’t as considerate of a person after all. Over text, he seemed like an amazing person who said the right things and who was interested in my skills and passion for writing and creating stories. He was able to fake a supportive and sweet persona asking me questions about my passions, suggesting ideas, and appearing to want to read my work.

Then, I met him in person and saw that he was the complete opposite of that facade, the actor he played for me over text. I wasn’t catfished, but I was deceived into a false first impression of him. On the first date, he was already rolling his eyes when I discussed more about my love for writing. He had claimed that he had wanted to read my stories, especially those from my early teens. But when I mentioned that I also enjoyed blogging and he had rolled his eyes, that should have been my sign right then and there to excuse myself and leave the date.

REMINDER: You should never be ashamed of yourself, who you are, and what your passions are. If someone doesn’t respect or support you, leave.

So don’t let anyone tell you you’re crazy or weird or dumb for doing what YOU love and what makes YOU happy (Lesson #6).

Another experience I had with someone’s fake persona is with a person I once knew. I would be flooded with emojis and the sweetest words when we talked over text. Everything seemed perfect, until it was revealed to be otherwise. They thought the complete opposite of things they had crafted and carefully curated to me over texting. If someone can do that, imagine who else can. I’m not saying to be paranoid and suspicious of everyone, but to be aware and careful of just who you interact with.

Basically, don’t give out your trust like it’s free handouts. Have people EARN your trust first before you make any final judgements on their character and who they are as a person.

On another note, emojis don’t mean anything. I can be pissed and still send a heart emoji to someone. What makes you think someone won’t do that too?

Tone, feelings, and true intentions can ALL be faked over texting and online conversations as well. So, do not think for one moment that just because they’re sending you a bunch of laughing and heart emojis that they mean it, that they’re friendly, or that they even like you. Meet them first. Get to know them in real life before you make a judgement about someone’s personality. You can’t ever be sure virtually.

That is why I strongly suggest that after you match with someone online and test the spark and chemistry with some initial conversations, that you move straight into real dating as soon as possible; you know, meeting in person after a few days of talking once you guys have matched. Don’t spend more than a week talking to someone online. Why? Because…

They can fake everything they tell you. Or be inauthentic.
The chemistry might burn out.
Lastly, you might build, again, a false image of that person in your mind and fall in love with what you imagined before you actually meet the real person and get to know them first as stated in Lessons #68-70.

Meeting in person, no one can hide behind emojis and fake (or carefully crafted/prepared) words. Seeing someone’s facial expression is more genuine and beneficial for YOU in determining a person’s true character than reading it, or trying to decipher it, through text where words and tone can be a problem–miscommunicated, misinterpreted, or misunderstood. Tone can’t be hidden or faked either in real life. You can also pay attention to body language, too, and verify with your own eyes if someone’s words don’t match their behavior and/or actions.

If I learned anything from dating and having relationships with others, it’s that actions speak louder than words (Lesson #72 below). Therefore, avoid sweet talkers and people pleasers. Some people understand the power of words and how to manipulate them to get what they want, tell you what you want to hear, and reel you in to be quite literally scammed. Others know what to tell you to get on your good side so you think highly of them; but, in fact, they could care less about you as a person overall. Be on the lookout for these types of people.

Note: Because of the pandemic, some people have used or have started using virtual dates (for instance, via Zoom and Google Duo) as a way to quickly test if someone is worth a real, in-person date. I like that idea.

To clarify then, what I mean by this lesson is do not get to know someone ONLY over texting and messaging. Meet them face to face, whether it be in person or over Zoom/Google Duo/other video calling platforms where you can see them with your eyes and gauge their behaviors.

Bottom line: make sure you can check for yourself if their words match their actions. If they are TRULY who they are. Or claim to be.

72. Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Pay attention to what people say and what they do. However, pay closer attention to what they do, specifically if they keep the promises they make to you.

If someone promises to meet up with you, but do not shoot you a text to let you know they can’t make it, that something came up, or at least updating you on why they’re running late, then they don’t have basic respect for you and your time. Transparency and communication are always KEY in a relationship–in any and all relationships actually, from friendships, acquaintances, dates, and especially when you become official with someone.

Limit how much you tolerate, too. Remember boundaries? If someone makes you wait every single time for half an hour, watch out for that one day when they won’t ever show up. Have some respect for yourself and draw a line. If someone keeps repeatedly crossing it, it should be time to reevaluate your boundaries and your relationship with that person.

Be careful of sweet talkers, too. As I mentioned before, there are people who have a gift and talent for knowing what to say and being able to say all the right words. My advice? Again, watch their actions. People can say whatever they want to, but their actions are their true intentions, their true motives, and their true character.

During the first few months of dating, never take anyone on their word seriously. Watch their actions closely instead.

There are and will always be people promising you things such as

“I see a future together,”
“I don’t want to define the relationship yet,”
“let’s see where this goes,”
“I need more time to think,” or
“you’re perfect.”

That, or they make other countless excuses. And then, the next thing you know, a couple months down the line, you realize you’ve be ghosted.

Just wait until the honeymoon phase has passed over first. Wait until situations around you both have tested their actions and character, definitively showing who they are as a person. Is this person kind to strangers? To people who work in service jobs? To their friends and family?

Dating is a journey, a process. You should spend a lot of time and get to know a person first before you commit to anything. Make sure you really KNOW someone in different situations before making a final judgement on a person’s character and henceforth, committing to being official with them (or handling any personal title of relationship to them). Try to understand their true intentions, know them inside and out first before you make your call.

On the other hand, don’t commit to or make promises too early on your end, either. You’re both still trying to get to know each other; you don’t fully know each other yet, especially in the first few weeks and months of dating; and lots of things can change over the span of just a few days (I mean just look at the news now and it’s ever changing cycle!). You’re still, quite frankly, strangers getting acquainted (if you met online and aren’t actually friends in real life already) and realistically, have only known each for a few hours unless you’re spending days with each other (like quarantining together).

In conclusion, why make quick decisions and rush into binding commitments without being careful and educated about it beforehand? If you’re going to sign an important contract, you would obviously read it first before putting pen to paper. If not, you’re only hurting yourself by making a deal you’re not properly prepared for and informed about. The same applies to dating. Know who you’re dating first before giving them the title. Because that title will only make it more hurtful and personal when things go south. And no one else will be to blame but you for making that ignorant decision.

73. Do Not Make Excuses. It Is What It Is.

Refer back to Lesson #72 and return back here.

If something happens and you feel off about it, don’t make up bizarre excuses. It is usually what it is. Often, it is the simplest explanation that is the most realistic and is usually the case. If you want to be sure, then straight up ask them. Communication, transparency, and trust are always the foundation of healthy relationships.

Be up front and say something such as “when you said or did [insert activity that bothered/bothers you], did you really mean that/this [insert your line of thinking]?” Watch out for gaslighting or excuses here. Try to analyze the situation and see if you can give them the benefit of the doubt and just move on from it, OR if it is a behavior that is part of a pattern or series of similar action(s).

Don’t come up with weird theories. The weirder they are, the more likely you’re spinning the situation and gaslighting yourself. “He called me 40 times when I was in the showers for 20 minutes. That means he really cares about me” is not a good excuse for someone who is acting completely possessive and abnormally.

In contrast, something such as “she didn’t reply to my ‘good morning’ text” can oftentimes be discussed, and easily and quickly solved. Something might have came up for her like an emergency. Maybe she’s busy this morning. Perhaps her phone is off, or silent, or she forgot to charge it last night and it died in the morning. Anything is possible. But aim for the safer side of things. A situation like that–smaller, more possible and realistic–would not mean or should directly be translated into “she forgot me and doesn’t like me anymore (or never liked me at all)” or “she’s cheating on me or probably talking to another guy.”

Emotions can sometimes get the best of any of us. Therefore, try your best to reel yourself back and in. Calmly think about situations. If you want, ask for a second opinion from friends and family. But do not let their suggestions dictate your actions. They do not know this person as well as you do. Again, the more ridiculous your line of thinking is, most oftentimes, that is not the case. Hence, be calm and careful.

However, you should never be doubting where you stand with someone who is more official with or more meaningful to you–someone who you have established a strong relationship with and have developed a close bond to. If you have been dating or have known each other for several months and still constantly questioning if you two are a thing, if they care about you, or if you’re worth their time, it’s time to sit down and evaluate things.

If someone is truly interested in and actually cares about you, it should be obvious from their time, effort input, and be backed by evidence of their actions. Relationships can be stressful at times, but they should NOT ever be extremely or incessantly stressful, nor should they ever be anxiety-inducing.

74. When Someone Shows You Who They Are the First Time, BELIEVE Them!

People, more oftentimes than not, show you who they are the first time. Therefore, when they do, believe them. Don’t be a fool and let them show you over and over again, until you get it. You should NOT need 5 million signs to make you understand a fact that is bright and clear as day. In other words, do not believe, also, that they will change.

This is where I will insert that if you’re sticking by someone who you clearly know is bad for you, but you think you really like them and it’s still super early, your judgement has been compromised (Lesson #68).

I also already said that love does NOT save everything. It, alone, is not the glue that holds a relationship together. Trust, respect, and communication do (Lesson #64).

I’ve told you in Lesson #70 that people don’t change unless THEY want to. Therefore, do not fool yourself into thinking that YOU can be that change; that YOU will be that *special* person who will make them see the errors of their ways and get them to change.

Do not buy into that common trope of or fall in love with the idea that the good girl saves the bad boy that you witness in movies and novels. That rarely happens in real life. Trust me. People have to first realize they are a problem (which is so hard when they are not self-aware) before they can make any attempt at changing. And that’s only if they, again, WANT to change.

That aside, if someone explicitly tells you that they are a bad person, believe them, too. Take them at their word! That’s the ONE exception to my Lesson #72 (actions speak louder than words, so pay attention to actions and ignore words). That’s the only time you can trust someone’s words when you barely know them. Because they are warning you about themselves. Who knows them better than they do? So, listen to them.

And please, for the love of God, do not be stubborn!!! If they tell you to go, leave! As someone once told me, “you don’t need to touch fire to know it will hurt you.” If someone is bad, don’t hurt yourself trying to save or change them. Or further interact with them. And for heaven’s sake, if someone tells you they are dangerous, don’t stick around to find out or try to prove them wrong. It is a warning; not an invitation. And WHY exactly would you do that? You’d run back into a burning building when you were told how it could harm or possibly kill you?!!

Remember, it’s from them and they know themselves well enough (and better than you do!) to tell you to be careful and get packing. So use that moment to leave! They were considerate enough to acknowledge it; not want to change or do something about it; AND inform you to evacuate, but that doesn’t mean they are an overall good person who will treat you right. So don’t you dare go back in there or stay to get hurt. Have some self-love and self-respect!

75. A “Successful” Career Does NOT Mean Emotional Maturity or Good Character

I once went on a date with a well-liked and well-respected high school Math teacher. The guy showed up for our first date unshaved and un-showered, in gym clothes. During our dinner, he mainly talked about himself and his exes.

My personal story is not unique. Many people have experienced similar stories. Judgmental doctors with no empathy; rude customer service agents; arrogant psychologists. You name it, there’s a person out there in the world like that. Yes, these people exist. And yes, the irony is hilarious! A degree and/or an advanced educational background does not mean anything when you are not sociable, presentable, kind, compassionate, empathetic, or considerate as a person.

People can lie, too, to make themselves look better on paper or to not put themselves in a bad light (because who wants to realistically and honestly admit they’re a bad person? Everyone considers themselves the hero in their own story/life).

There is an episode of the television series Friends where Phoebe’s twin sister, Ursula, had lied to her date that she volunteers in poor countries and is a teacher. As a result of her crush on him, Phoebe had to reveal to the poor guy that Ursula had lied to him. Despite the show being a comedy, those things do happen in real life. Thus, be careful of people who brag about good, noble crap that they do. See, or at least, try to find out if they’re really just stretching or exaggerating a half-truth. Do your research. Be wary. And try to confirm the truth.

Figure out how to spot and/or detect a liar. And be able (and ready) to find out and accept that someone may be using you, and/or is actually a really dishonest and/or deceptive person.

That will be it for this post! For a comprehensive list of all the lessons we have already covered, please click here. The list has grown to 10 parts now; therefore, if I add it at the beginning or to the end of each post, it would force you guys to scroll so much until you get to the actual post or clutter the page at the bottom, which, as a web designer, is not my preference. Stay tuned for Part 11!

The 75+ Lessons You Should Know Before Dating (Part 10)