“Let love be” as the title of Episode 4 says, but do not use “love” as a guise, cover-up, or pretense for a hidden agenda to acquire certain benefits you don’t have; that is not love then.
NOTE: The featured image for this post is from DoBetter.TV. All images and videos in this post do not belong to me. I have provided the original source of each image or video used.
Welcome back, guys! This is part 2 to my blog post “Support Black Creators: Watch the Do Better Webseries.”
Last time we talked about how the Do Better webseries–which follows the lives of six Black and Asian friends–is a great story that you should watch because it tackles complex subjects. Some of those topics include:
- Systems of Oppression and Racism;
- whether or not the six friends, who are all People of Color, were too mean to Liam, the white character; and
- Asian Women Fetishization.
If you missed that discussion or want to read about it, go ahead and click here to be taken to Part 1 of this post. We are discussing all the points from this list below:
- Systems of Oppression. And Racism?
- Were They a Bit Harsh to the White Guy?
- Asian Women Fetishization
- Asian Women and Black Women Dating White Men
- Sexism in Medical/Health Practices
- Cheating
- Romantic Relationship Issues
- Dating vs Fucking
- Censorship
- Racial Inequalities
- BIPOC Friendships
- Cultural Appropriation
This week, we will discuss the next 3 on my list of reasons why you should watch the Do Better webseries. And to start us out, I’m going to tackle the next topic which relates to where we left off with Asian Women Festishization.
4. The Difference Between Asian Women and Black Women Dating White Men
In my last post, I discussed that yes, we can say that love is love and that people are free to love whoever they please. However, I did point out, too, that we have to be careful because
there is a difference between falling innocently in love with someone because of who they are
AND
falling into the trap of perpetuating a stereotype; falling in love with what someone is or what they have; and/or continuing a vicious cycle of self-hatred.
I also stressed in the last post that the media is a powerful influence on our perceptions of the world and our opinions on everything—including our self-image.
Before we get into the topic about the difference between Asian women and Black women dating White men that was brought up in Do Better, let me first build up my context. In college, in one of my Anthropology (or Cultural Studies) classes, I learned that Black women and girls grow up in a culture where they do not feel beautiful. And how could they not feel that way? In America, the beauty standard is white women. Thin, blonde, blue-eyed, and having pale skin.
Dolls, such as Barbie, are what society tells us is what we should look like.
And what does that type of message result in? In those college classes that I took, I watched videos of social experiments showing little Black children having the option of choosing between a white doll or a black doll to play with. I say this with a broken heart, but you can already guess which one many of them chose. Just watch this video below and you can see for yourself. It’s only two minutes long. Listen to the series of question asked of the child at the end.
Let the child’s answers sink it.
Video from YouTube
I watched another video online of another little Black girl named Ariyonna (beautiful name!) telling her hairdresser that she is “so ugly.” Click here to read the article about it and watch the video. Or see the Instagram video of it below.
What the f*ck have we done as a society to make little Black girls feel like that? So discouraged with themselves and their skin color that they have to say to themselves or think aloud that they are ugly?
Well, we created a society where only people with pale skin are the standard of beauty:
Only recently have we started seeing people like Idris Elba and John Legend becoming sexiest men alive (in 2018 and 2019, respectively). And only just last year (2019), the five winners of the top beauty pageants in the world were all Black women.
Image from YouTube
My point is that what we see reflected on our television and phone screens determine our perceptions of ourselves and what we think is the standards of beauty–what we think is beautiful.
But all these accomplishments for BIPOC (again, Black Indigenous People of Color) have only recently happened in the past couple of years. And it has been the result of years of countless toiling and pushback by many people with powerful platforms and talents.
Before this though, we lived in a world where only being white was the acceptable beauty and there were concepts such as white worshipping and self-hatred. They both still exist today; however, I believe we’re making progress, even if it can feel insignificant sometimes.
Regardless, the winners of all those high-level and prestigious beauty pageants show that BIPOC voices are being heard and that we’ve made a seriously notable accomplishment. I can’t wait to see what’s in store for us in the future and what stones we can turn over.
Returning back to those two concepts, though, of white worshipping and self-hatred, even though those words sound incredibly toxic and negative as I acknowledge them, I want declare that they exist. From my personal experience, I have dealt with them as I’ve grown up.
I was born during the golden years of Disney in the 90s, my favorite princesses being Cinderella, Rapunzel, Ariel, and Belle. I also grew up with books such as Little House on the Prairie, Judy Blume, Amber Brown, and Romona.
And what did all of those stories and media that I consumed all have in common?
White characters.
As an aspiring author and screenwriter, when I first began writing, I mostly wrote about white characters because in my mind I had thought that that was the standard; that that was the story the world wanted to read; and that that was the kind of story the world would only care about.
It was not until I was nineteen did I realize,
oh my God, why can’t I write about people such as myself? What’s wrong with my voice? My skin? My hair color? My eyes?
And when I began listening to the stories of romantic relationships from all my friends, peers, classmates, and people everywhere online and offline, I saw that white worshipping and self-hatred are everywhere present in our society, especially within my Asian community in inconspicuous ways.
When Asian women fall in love with white men, fine–that’s your/their choice. But (they have to) be careful about whether or not you/they are in love with him or because of who he is.
When you have to bash Asian men with stereotypes such as
- them being not well-endowed; or
- (huh, is that all that really matters in a relationship? Have you seen ALL Asian d*cks?)
- not being attractive enough; or
- (have you not seen Godfrey Gao? Daniel Dae Kim? Brandon Soo Hoo? Ryan Higa? Ki Hong Lee? Peter Sudarso and his brother Yoshi?)
- being misogynistic
- (have you not met sweet Simu Liu? Philip Wang? Wesley Chan?)
that right there is self-hatred.
We, as a society, have been told by the media about those stereotypes. We’ve been told by the media that white men are the attractive ones; usually the ones with big dicks; are the saviors because they are always the ones saving the girls in the stories and movies we consume; and that they are gentleman-like and treat girls right. That right there is white worshipping.
Obviously, many Asian women happen to coincidentally fall in love with White men and are not actively looking to marry them or try to have mix children. You know, love finds you and you’re open to it, so go for it. Regardless, there are some Asian women who do go for only White male partners and do so because they want to genetically engineer their children to have blonde hair and blue eyes because that is what they consider and have been brainwashed to think is beautiful. That is what I am speaking out against.
Bottom line is I don’t control their decisions; they are free to do as they please, but I will still talk about this being an issue.
That aside, if you’re still not convinced that the media and the stereotypes produced from it are not powerful influencers and do not have consequences, check out this Twitter thread below.
This video below is another example of a young Asian girl showing her experience growing up trying to change herself to be more white because she was taught to be ashamed of who she is–hair-color- and eye-color-wise.
Video from Vimeo
Now returning to Do Better, with my explanation of the power of media now given, the webseries brought up a good conversation starter. In one scene, Brenda, the Asian girl, asked why it’s okay for April, the Black girl, to date a bunch of white guys and why it’s not okay for her, the Asian girl, to date a white guy (Liam). Malika, the South Asian girl, said well it’s because white men are not “scooping up” Asian women at the rate that they are doing so for Black women and that it’s called Asian Fetishization for a reason and not Black Fetishization.
When it comes to the dating pool, White men and Asian women are the most desirable–generally. And who is at the bottom? Asian men and Black women.
I don’t know if I agree with Malika’s comment, but I can see where she is coming from. Black women have always been at the bottom of the desirability totem pole in the dating world (remember what we just talked about above in the beginning of this post?) and to be able to date a white man probably reaffirms her beauty. Perhaps being able to date white men gives her this idea that she is climbing the desirability ladder. Hey, she isn’t seen as beautiful by normal societal beauty standards because of the society we live in until recently.
NOTE: I’m not saying that April is not pretty, I think April’s actress, Fatsuma Abdulkadiri, is motherfreaking gorgeous!
Therefore, if she can date white men, she thinks that confirms her beauty because she’s being accepted by someone who’s at the top. It’s kind of like chilling with the most popular kid in high school. If they’re okay with being in your presence, you can believe you’re cool like them and at least not a loser if they’re not ashamed about having you around them in front of other people.
I cannot find the same video online that I had watched in my college Asian American class; however, we had watched a documentary about Asian women and their portrayal in film and this one Asian woman admitted that she actively sought White men when dating so she could be able to climb the social ladder. She wanted to be taken care of and to enjoy the privileges that White men enjoyed in America.
I don’t know if that is the writer’s intent with April, that she is trying to reaffirm or confirm her beauty with her dates, but that is what I took away from the webseries, considering that Brenda pointed out that 80% of April’s dates are white men (Episode 4 near the end at the 8:14 minute mark).
Video from YouTube
However, whatever her intent is, I have this message: Asian and Black women can date whoever they like and want as long as they genuinely like and care about the person they are with; not because they are using them as a way to climb the social or desirability ladder. “Let love be” as the title of Episode 4 says, but do not use “love” as a guise, cover-up, or pretense for a hidden agenda to acquire certain benefits you don’t have; that is not love then.
Moreover, everyone is free to love whoever they choose as long as they do not love their partner out of self-hatred; use their partner to confirm their beauty or sense of worth; use their partner as a status or trophy that they have been fortunate to have landed; and/or lastly, do not bash an entire race.
Also, for Asian women out there: love is love and you are free to do as you please because it’s your choice, your life, your heart; regardless, (and this is not me attacking you!) >>know<< that you may be continuing the Asian Women Fetishization stereotype, though, with your choice in partners. Why? Because…
There is a difference between intention and impact.
You never intended to fall in love with who you do, but who you end up with makes an impact on other people’s perceptions and lives. Here’s an analogy: M. Night Shyamalan did not “intend” to be racist when making the live action Avatar the Last Airbender movie with white good guys and People of Color as the villains, but look at the impact (just check social media and news outlets). The same could be said with Emma Stone and Scarlett Johanson in their movies, Aloha and Ghost in the Shell, respectively.
But you know what? That didn’t stop people from being offended and angry. You know why? Oh yes, it’s their choices, their life, and their salary, but it affects Asian American lives because it shows that Hollywood at that time was still not ready to feature Asian people in their stories and movies. Again, us dealing with racism, stereotypes, under-representation, and denied opportunities. You can say it’s your decision to chose who to love and marry, but be prepared for and do not be surprised when you’re met with the negative outcries and reactions.
5. Sexism in Medical/Health Practices
I love that the webseries brought this issue up because I related to it instantly! Originally, I had thought that only I was facing this issue; however, after watching the series and speaking to my friends, I was floored and shocked that my female friends all experienced the same thing, too!
If you do not know what I am talking about, (spoiler!!!) I am speaking specifically about the scene (in Episode 4) where after trying and failing to have enjoyable sex with one of her dates, April goes to a gynecologist to find out why she is experiencing pain during sex. When he stuck the swab into her for the examination, she cried out in pain. The dude–I mean “doctor” dismissed her and her pain, saying that he believed she was making a big deal out of nothing because the stick he was using to check her up was the smallest one; therefore, it couldn’t possibly be hurting her as badly as she was making it out to be. He also said she needed to cope with it; otherwise, he would not be able to perform or continue the examination. Basically, he was portraying the situation as if she was being a sensitive or overreactive drama queen instead being concerned about his patient’s pain.
Man, I have experienced that SOOOO many times by several of my male doctors!!! My current family doctor, a former eye doctor, and a former dentist. Every concern I bring to them is always downplayed as me over-worrying or over-reacting. They get annoyed and roll their eyes or act downright rude to me.
Hey, it’s my body, I am coming to you with a concern; I want to take care of it and I am paying you to do just that: give me a service, not an attitude. I am the one who has the nerves to feel what you’re doing to my body and therefore, if I am in pain–you, not being me–cannot say my pain does not matter or that my reaction is not justified.
However, that is not to say that male doctors are the only rude ones. I have met pleeeenty of rude female doctors, optometrists, dentists, and gynecologists as well.
That aside, thank you Do Better webseries for bringing this issue up and making April strong enough to not have to tolerate that doctor’s service. I am so happy and proud that she told him to stop, was firm about it, and left him!
6. Cheating
This one is a >>SPOILER<< so if you have NOT seen the entire webseries yet, do not continue reading past this particular point.
You have been warned!!!
So the season finale ends with Malika having kissed Brenda’s ex, Liam, after Tom had broke up with Liam for Brenda via text. Liam, confused and heartbroken, comes over to the apartment where all the friends stay and confronts a lonely Malika. Malika, having problems with her own husband, Justin, gets into a verbal fight with Liam.
Then suddenly, she’s kissing him! And the kicker? He kisses her back!!! Not pushing her away at all! Having wanted Justin to be like him because Liam is ambitious, well-off, and has his shit in life together, I can see where Malika is coming from.
Despite feeling horrified about her actions, when she sees Brenda, Malika does not tell her best friend what unraveled between her and Liam. Brenda finds out what happens through Liam, himself, coming to his house to try to get back with him, and becoming shocked when he discloses that event. The season ends with Brenda telling Malika that she needs to talk to her and Justin is in the room, but is unaware of what is going on.
This is a topic that is relevant to everyone. Sometimes, our romantic partner cheats with the very person we trust the most: our own best friend. Cheating has affected or will affect everyone at one point in their lives and I love that this is also an issue that is brought up in the series, too. I respect Liam for being upfront and open with Brenda, telling her straight up what had happened between him and Malika. I’m disappointed with Malika, but I understand her and her actions.
I want to ask my readers, though,
do you think Brenda is right for getting mad at Liam?
Yes, he wasn’t the one who pushed Malika off–which is the thing that makes me disgusted with him since Malika ended up pushing him away when she was the one who initiated the kiss.
However, I want to know other people’s opinions. Is this like the Ross and Rachel situation in Friends? They had already broken up, so did Liam really cheat on Brenda by kissing Malika? Does that show he is not loyal to her? Or does it not count since they were on a bre–having already broken up? Or was it complicated by misunderstandings and other unfortunate events/influences? 🙂 Please share your thoughts below!
If you have not seen Part 1 of this post, you can click here to read it. Part 3 is also now up! Go ahead and click on the link to check it out 🙂 Thank you for reading! Please comment below to join in on the conversation!