Loving yourself is hard. However, in order to love someone else–especially, to love them properly, you need to love yourself first. Think of a pitcher of water. It cannot pour anything into another cup if it is itself empty. Therefore, if you have no real love for yourself, you cannot give real love to other people. Otherwise, that “love” you have and will give to others is the type that seeks for something in return when real love should be selfless and genuine in nature.

After experiencing a devastating heartbreak earlier this year, I realized that the source of my problems was my lack of self-love which could be traced back to a tragic childhood. That aside, I am here today to tell you all that I know how it can almost feel impossible to love yourself some days or even at all. Yet, despite that, I can also tell you that, from personal experience, it is something that can be overcome with–of course–a great deal of effort. Hence, here are my personal tips for battling with this struggle that I hope will be able to also help you and other people (if you share it).

I will admit that falling in love with yourself is a journey. I am still wrestling with it sometimes on certain days, but these tips definitely make the journey better and much easier. I stress the word journey because these tips will NOT make you love yourself immediately or overnight; thus, do not seek a quick fix. Change always takes time, and love does as well; therefore, plan for a long-haul effort as you read and follow these tips. Do not expect the effects of each tip to take place right away. Now that you understand, or at least have been warned about this, let’s begin.

NOTE: My advice is divided into sections to help with digesting the information more easily.

Mental A Game

To love yourself right, it starts obviously in the brain. And the first step?

1. Confidence and Attitude is Key

To love yourself, you have to first focus on your confidence and attitude. Whatever you feel about yourself–however you see yourself–you will exude that very energy. And that feeling–that energy, will be present in how you interact with others and how you respond to their interactions with you. So, if you’re feeling like you’re a loser, trust me, people will be able to sense that from a mile away.

That is why you must make sure you love yourself because when you feel it inside yourself solidly–firmly and fiercely believing in it, it will seep from inside you, outward. Hence, when you love yourself and as a result, show that to others, they will oftentimes feel it and respect you in return; therefore, it restores that love you gave and feel for yourself back to you. If they don’t, in fact, respect you, but you do, indeed, love yourself, you’ll be able to give them hell for daring to disrespect you (or be able to calmly ignore and/or remove them from your life) because you know you don’t deserve it. It’s a good feedback loop. And it all benefits YOU, the most important person.

The way you walk, how you carry yourself, how you behave as you interact with others will show that self-love that you have for yourself. That’s why you must truly believe in and fully feel it within yourself first in order to act confident and own that attitude. It’s like a building a solid foundation before you structure a house on top of it; the integrity of a building’s interior is crucial for holding up the entire thing. Hence, before you can act or exude confidence, you must have it inside of you first.

So, how exactly do you get this strong confidence and attitude?

Well, you should…

2. Have a Mental Chant

You have to repeat what you want to believe or what you know about yourself each day. For instance, if you do not think you’re beautiful, chant to yourself or in your mind that you are.

Every day.

Every second.

Every waking moment.

You have to do it.

How else would you get yourself to exude, believe, or feel that–that confidence–if you don’t, at least, think it? Remember, it has to come from inside of you, right from your brain. That was the first step that I was talking about above!

I understand that it is hard, but it is not impossible. Your thoughts are only as powerful as YOU make them out to be. You can think a thought–because you can’t control your thoughts. However, your thoughts are only thoughts; floating ideas in your brain until YOU give them power. Like in the movie Inception, if I tell you to think about an elephant, you will think about an elephant. But the elephant means absolutely nothing until you actually do something with it–be it writing it down, creating a story, pretending to be an elephant, dressing up like an elephant, obsessing over the idea of an elephant–whatever.

Basically, until you do something with it, it is simply an idea.

But, as I said, that idea can only be powerful after you put action behind it. For instance, if you repeat it (that you are beautiful), and you say it to yourself everyday, obsessing over it, letting it consume you, that thought begins to gain steam. The idea starts to strengthen and gets more powerful. And, soon, it becomes more than just an idea. In time, it will become a belief.

Think of it this way: how did you get to the point where you started to believe you were or are ugly? It’s because you kept thinking that to yourself. Finding evidence for it. Repeating it to yourself. Feeding that thought. See? That thought started out the same way all beliefs do:

it started as an idea that only became powerful because YOU fueled it.

Now, I used to think I was ugly, too. It was only until I started repeating to myself that I was beautiful everyday, whenever I could–and do other things, which again, I will explain to you all later on–did I start to believe that I was, indeed, beautiful.

So, repeating an idea helps.

But what about repeating an idea you already believe in? A belief that you already think–or know, is fact? Up above, I had said “you have to repeat what you want to believe or what you know about yourself each day” to gain confidence. Therefore, what happens if you believe something firmly and then repeat to yourself everyday? Say, that your eyes are pretty or smokin’, OR that you are brave, smart, and/or resilient? What happens then?

Well, it will/would boost your self-esteem and confidence, and will work to your advantage!

That’s one step in the right direction.

Let me give an example of how that works, how it benefits YOU: as a child, I was always outspoken and beaten for it. People called me stupid for speaking out because it led me to be physically hurt when I could have just kept my mouth shut and just accept things as they were. However, I thought and firmly believed that I was always brave for not letting fear get to me, for speaking truth to power, even at my own physical risk and peril.

Additionally, I was also–most recently–told by a family friend that I was weak. But am I weak? Do I really believe that I am “weak”?

No. Absolutely not.

Someone can try to say something harmful to me. An idea they have in their own mind and want to transfer over to me, but >>I<< ultimately have the power to give it–that thought–fuel, to decide what to do with that idea–whether it can hurt me or not. So, do I–the most important person in my life–believe I am weak? No. Again, absolutely not.

And that person doesn’t know me, even as a family friend. They haven’t witnessed every second of my life. Maybe I have had a few moments of weakness and she happened to have witnessed them. Nonetheless, does it make me an overall weak person? No.

I am a human being.

I am allowed to be weak.

In contrast, there have been several times where I have been strong.

Yet, she hasn’t seen that. She doesn’t know that. She didn’t recognize that. However, does it matter, though, what she thinks? Again, no.

It only matters that I know, think, and believe that.

And I believe that I am strong. That I am brave. And that I am beautiful. >>I<< know that I’ve stood up to physical and verbal abuse countless times; survived sexual assault and a broken heart many times; and currently battle an autoimmune disease everyday. So am I weak? Hardly. My family friend hasn’t seen all these battles I’ve fought; regardless, she doesn’t need to know about it, and who cares about her anyway? Because she doesn’t matter to ME. No one’s opinion does, but my own. That is ALL who matters, whose opinions matter–my very own. No one’s opinion about your life matters, but your own.

Which leads me to say: only YOU know things about yourself that others do not. Hence, remind yourself daily what you do know about yourself and repeat it in your mind everyday–every waking second, so you will come to believe it. Figure out what YOU have survived in your lifetime, what you have overcome, what you have been through. Remember all the battles, obstacles, and victories you have fought, conquered, and won.

Let that be kindling to fuel your confidence as my battle scars have done so for me.

REMEMBER: only YOU have the power to choose what you want to believe.

And again, that starts with your thoughts; the ideas that YOU put in your mind, that you let form, take shape, and allow to live inside your brain.

Now, back to beauty. Here’s some food for thought: sometimes, looking in the mirror, you may feel that you are not beautiful. However, oftentimes, it’s because you’re comparing your behind-the-scenes to someone else’s state of perfection.

For example, you think that Ariana Grande looks gorgeous and believe that she’s prettier than you are and thus, that YOU must be an ugly duckling. But that’s ONLY because you’re judging yourself–most likely–when you’re NOT wearing any makeup in comparison to Ariana who is a public figure and has had professional makeup artists put their magic and talents on her face.

Do you think that’s a fair comparison? To compare your unprofessional makeup skills and/or bare face to her professionally-done and touched-up one? No. Of course not! Far from it!!!

Don’t compare yourself without makeup (or your amateur makeup results) to someone’s carefully-crafted (and meticulously edited) social media posts either! Remember, people only post their BEST selves online. Why embarrass yourself for the whole world to see? Give people receipts of your flaws? Only the intensely brave can do that! And if you still don’t believe you’re beautiful, successful, or whatever enough, put some actions behind it! Check out what I mean in the “Put It Into Actions” section!

One last thing: try checking out what Ariana Grande–or any other celebrity you admire–looks like without makeup. Do some Google research! It’ll help you. Trust me, she looks just like you and me. Like any normal human being when she’s not wearing makeup, has filters on, or fixed her photo!

By the way, one small quick additional note I want to add is that just because someone is pretty, doesn’t mean YOU are any less pretty. When you notice that someone else is gorgeous, it should NOT be a greenlight for you to compare yourself to them and think that they make you less gorgeous because of their beauty. Think of a garden with a vast diversity of flowers. Beauty is like a spectrum of colors on a rainbow. The world has all kinds of flowers. A rose is pretty; so is a dandelion, a daisy, and a tulip. Just because one looks beautiful, doesn’t mean the other flowers are not. They are ALL beautiful in their own way. Just like you and everyone else. So stop comparing yourself to others and hurting your own self-esteem and confidence.

3. Speak to the Mirror at least TWICE a Day

When you brush your teeth in the morning and at night, take that time to chant what you want to about yourself. Look at yourself in the eye, and say it directly to yourself out loud or in your mind. I suggest out loud so it feels real, solid, and believable. You don’t have to shout it so your roommate(s) or neighbors can hear, but say it loud enough so YOU hear it.

My daily chant is “you are smart, beautiful, strong, resilient, brave, creative, and talented.” What’s yours?

Adolf Hitler once said that if you repeat a (big) lie over and over just enough times, people will believe it as a truth. Now, try not to have to lie to yourself everyday when you’re telling your reflection that you’re beautiful when in reality, you really feel ugly. That’s why you need to put actions behind your words, so you don’t have to lie to yourself! Check Tip #9 about how to make yourself be and feel more beautiful!

That aside, once you do get to the point where you actually believe that you are, in fact, beautiful, you won’t have to lie to yourself anymore! You’d be repeating a truth to yourself everyday, which you can probably imagine will be sooooo much easier to believe! Because you know it’s a real fact!!!

You will begin to believe this truth without having any doubts! That is because your mind is growing accustom to the thought (that you’re beautiful! Or whatever you want to say about yourself!) as a result of you repeating it everyday and reminding yourself about it. So try to reach that day where you won’t have to tell yourself a lie everyday by checking out my Tip #9: Put It Into Actions!

Write it Out so You Can Physically See It!

Evidence, people!

When you have solid proof that you can actually see with your eyes and hold with your hands, it makes the process of believing much easier! You’ll believe in physical objects over floating thoughts quickly and any day.

4. Love Journal

Have a Love Journal. Buy a notebook and write out what you love about yourself in there. Aim for putting down three characteristics that you cherish, adore, and value about yourself onto the pages every day.

Too poor to afford a journal? Write it on a loose sheet of paper! Then make it into a booklet when you collected enough over time. Or, you can create a Google account/g-mail and get the Excel Sheet app. You can also open an Excel Sheet on your own computer if you have Microsoft/Windows. I’m sure for Apple/Macs, they have something similar.

For the Love Journal, you should have three columns. You can add more based on your own preferences and/or personal needs. But here’s a look at mine:

Don’t judge me. I’m trying to love myself.

Yes, I only wrote one for each day and you can start out that way, too, slowly working your way up to three a day. That way, it doesn’t and/or won’t feel like a chore or too much “work” to love yourself as you begin to develop this habit.

I will admit, though, that I haven’t edited it since February 2020 (as of this article’s writing, it is November 2020) because I outgrew it (it says “last edit was seconds ago” because I removed some embarrassing information before putting it here for you all to see). I love myself enough now to not need to have to type or write it down every day to remind myself that I love me. Therefore, if you do this everyday like I did, one day you’ll reach my point and just accept that you’re amazing! 🙂

Or pretend that you are, so you don’t have to write/type it down everyday.

Jokes aside, please put effort into this Daily Love Journal, so you can build yourself up and wholly love yourself. By writing/typing it down and actually seeing the hard evidence–all the reasons that you love about yourself–you will work your way into believing it. And loving yourself.

Remember, this is a journey after all!

Do this to encourage, support, uplift, and love yourself. Everything that is worth any meaning in life takes work, dedication, and time; whether it be a relationship you have with someone else, or, in this case, a relationship that you have with yourself. You’re going to have to put in that work, dedication, and time if you want to truly come to love you. Your effort will be worth it, though!

NOTE: I strongly suggest creating a g-mail account and using the Google Excel Sheet app for your Daily Love Journal because it can be available on your phone and you can, therefore, take it with you everywhere. So, if you’re on a bus, train, airplane, or are bored somewhere, it just takes a couple minutes a day to fill out 3 reasons why you love you. Plus, since it’s digital, you won’t have to worry about misplacing or losing that list/your “journal.” It’s accessible everywhere, anytime, and when you’re on the go! How convenient!!!

By the way, you can also repeat a characteristic that you love about yourself. Nonetheless, I challenge you to find something different–a different reason or quality that you love about yourself–everyday. Change it up! Find something new! Be fresh! You shouldn’t run out of things to love about YOU. Or feel ashamed about loving one quality over and over again–you should be okay bragging about it to yourself! Because this is your journal by the way, may I remind you!

And yes, in a way, this is like a “Count Your Blessings” type of exercise. But it’s a good one, I promise (!), because now you see concrete evidence of your awesomeness. Furthermore, this is also helpful, in that, should there ever be a day when you’re feeling sad or when you have forgotten your amazingness or worth, you would have a long list of why you are a truly incredible human being to cheer that beautiful face up! It’s a great activity that’s worth the time and effort! With a pay-off for you on rainy or blue days.

5. Create a Before and After List Too

We can all use a little bit of improvement constantly throughout our lives. Change is great–in fact, it should always be welcomed as a normal and natural part of life; being stagnate gets dull and boring, and doesn’t help you grow, develop, or learn as a person. You need to get some freshness, some new spice into your life; get out of your routine! It would do you a lot of good!

Again, I know how hard it is to love yourself. So here’s another suggestion: create another list of who you are now (your “Before”) and who you want to be (your “After”).

Your list will then look like this:

Or, it could look like this:

The second table has a third column (the leftmost one) to keep your spirits up, so when you look at the middle column, you don’t feel negative, disappointed, discouraged, unmotivated, and/or ashamed.

This particular list (or table) helps me with improving myself. For instance, it helped me remember all the times I was hurt, and helped me evaluate myself and self-reflect.

I thought, why?

• Why was I hurt?
• Did I like how I feel, or felt at that time?
• Do I want to feel like that ever again?

The table helps you focus on what you want to fix about yourself. Or, at the very least, helps you to decide whether you need to fix something about yourself or not, so you never feel that way again or are in such a position a second time around.

For example, one of the traits that I wanted to improve about myself was that I was “too nice” which made me “easy to be taken advantage of.” My solution(s), A.K.A my ideal self/ “After”:

• don’t be too bubbly or trusting
  • people think that you don’t have any boundaries or backbone and will, thus, try to cross you or step all over you
• stand up for yourself when you’re unhappy or uncomfortable
• let people prove themselves to me first before I show them any form of kindness

Have Role Models, Goals, & a Checklist!

6. Find People Who You Aspire to Be

Mine, personally, are former First Lady Michelle Obama; singer Lizzo; late Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg; and celebrity Ali Wong. Do some research on the people who mean something to you, learn about them, and make them your goal.

I love Michelle Obama for being kind, generous, intelligent, wise, brave, and classy. I also admire Lizzo for being proud of her body image; Ruth Bader Ginsburg for being sharp, self-less, and strong; and Ali Wong for being able to juggle multiple tasks, careers, and projects simultaneously and successfully as a comedian, writer, and actress.

Find people to look up to and let them inspire you. HOWEVER, do NOT try to be THEM. You are YOU. There’s one of them in this world, just like there’s one of you. Don’t be ashamed to be you. Never be ashamed to be you. Let these people you admire guide and motivate you to be as successful (or more successful) and be as great as them (if not better), but do NOT try to copy them or be them. Let them mentor you, but you should become YOUR own version of success and greatness.

2020 Oscar-winning director and screenwriter Bong Joon-ho has admired the very people he was nominated against for the Academy awards show this year: Martin Scorsese and Quentin Tarantino. Yet, he beat both of them and won against those very famous and notable directors for his work on Parasite. If you look at his entire career, though, he, himself, has not been short of many great works. It goes to show that he did not need to be or to copy Scorsese or Tarantino to win an Oscar or to be successful or great. Of course, they inspired his work and he studied their movies to help create his own, but he is his own director by his own right, and is his own talented and successful person. You should be your own version of a successful and great person, too.

Admire other people, but do not forget to admire yourself, too!

7. Have Goals, Passions, and Hobbies

Things that only YOU can love, will do, and can do on your own without any hesitation or a need for company. This way you know yourself better. And you can, then, be able to pour yourself into doing that task and feel alive without needing to depend on someone else to be there with you as you do it. You’ll learn to be independent, be able to focus on yourself, and be successful on your own with no help.

I love writing to the point that I don’t even mind dying alone one day doing it as long as I get to live writing. That’s how much I love it and that’s how I know it’s my passion. When I had my toughest heartbreak, it was only through writing that I was able to heal, process, and overcome my pain. Writing is like breathing to me. So find something similar for you!

I hope you know or figure out what your own goals, passions, or hobbies are. Find whatever it is that makes your soul light up and that you cannot possibly live without. By doing this/these task(s), emptying yourself into this/these goal(s), passion(s), or hobby(-ies), I hope you can fall more in love with you.

8. Have a List of Accomplishments

Again, create a list in a notebook or on Excel with all your accomplishments for the day on there. Celebrate every small victory. Those little victories do add up over time and on a checklist, they help you feel proud of yourself. Seeing a physical collection of tasks you have done throughout the day helps keep you motivated because you’ll feel like you are or were productive. And that’s always a wonderful feeling to have. Moreover, when you do feel lazy or need a break from life, you can always refer back to it to remind yourself that you aren’t wasting your life and time away being a useless couch potato.

NOTE: it’s always great to grind and work hard, but remember to periodically take some time to rest and care for yourself. Recharge your batteries and regain that energy for another day of tackling more tasks! You can’t give anything your all if you’re not at your best!

You can put things such as making your bed, folding clothes, flossing your teeth on this list. Trust me, looking back at all your completed tasks over the span of a few weeks or even a couple of months–there’s nothing to describe that feeling of fulfilling achievement.

We’ll stop here for this post and continue it in the next one.