Hi guys! Welcome back to my blog! I hope you and all your loved ones are safe and sound during this global pandemic. I know it’s been awhile since I last published a post, but all for good reason because I’ve been experiencing and learning a lot about myself and dating (and I had a project I needed to turn in by May 1st). Don’t worry, I stopped dating before the pandemic started, but I was taking time to emotionally and mentally recover and get myself together before I could objectively write this post. And it’ll be a great one, I promise!

I am now ready to share with you all what I’ve acquired from my experiences. 

So at the end of 2019, I re-evaluated my life and spoke to many people who told me that the greatest part of being young and especially about being in your 20s is being able to balance the thin line between being an actual adult, but still kinda being young and allowed to make mistakes. Your 20s are–for me, at least–your Selfish Years. You have fun and think and look out for yourself–so you go out there girl (or guy–hey thanks for checking this blog out!) and you just live up your life, you know?

Image from Freepik

In November, my friend told me she online dated and after 43 (?) dates, she finally found her husband. I was like “okay, I’ll try it.” My barber/hair dresser also told me being in your 20s is the perfect time to flaunt, flex, and enjoy your youth and embrace dating. All right, fine. If you people say so, I’ll go do it. Enjoy and savor my youth, and have fun.

So I did.

I went on two dates in January and I learned quite a lot about myself and dating overall.

Because I learned a LOT though, this post will be divided into parts, because Lord knows that none of you would actually sit down for more than ten minutes (or more) to read 10,000 words. So today is Part 1, the first few lessons of the 75+ lessons I’ve learned.

Warning: I was a little naive and innocent jumping into the online dating game; therefore, some of these tips may be obvious to some. However, this is for those who were as…(I really don’t like using this word:) sheltered as I was. But we all have to start somewhere, right?

But I am one proud person, though, having learned all of this despite stepping into the dating world with so little experience. On another note, after researching, scouring the internet, and reading and learning from other people, a lot of these lessons are common mistakes. So hey, it doesn’t hurt to learn or refresh your dating game.

Note: Since I used online dating apps, this applies to it, but dating is still dating so it can apply to real life too (:

Before we jump in, I have to say that these lessons are divided into sections such as “attitude,” “mentality,” “prep work,” “boundaries,” “baggage,” “during dating,” “being official,” “breakup, “and “sex” to make the post easier to read and digest, and more organized.

In addition, in order to discuss how to date properly, we do have to touch upon the importance of specific concepts such as self-esteem, motivation, attitude, and baggage. When you date, your self-esteem and motivation will be shaken, tested, and challenged. You need to have an open mind to learning and a good, healthy attitude because dating is a learning experience. You also learn about yourself and your personal history on this journey. You’ll be facing your childhood demons and be inundated with questions such as “is this something you like?”, “is this something you can tolerate?”, OR “is this something you hate?”

What do I mean when I say that your self-esteem and motivation are tested?

Well.

How much do you love yourself?

Are you jumping into dating because you’re lonely? Are you jealous that your friends are all in relationships or that you might be the last one in your friends group to get married–or maybe *gasp* just maybe, you’re scared you might not get married at all? Are you afraid of dying alone? Being pressured into marriage? Afraid of disappointing your parents? Scared of your parents’ family friends judging you for still being single? Pressured to date or get married and have a family ASAP? Terrified of that “ticking” biological clock?

Those are the questions you need to ask yourself. And those are the ones I’m talking about. Scary, aren’t they?

And your attitude has to also be healthy.

Like I mentioned, dating is a learning experience. In order to be successful, you have to put in the time and effort. You can’t just wing it. Someone’s going to get hurt.

Ask yourself these questions:

• are you afraid of sitting by yourself alone in a quiet place and reflecting on your mistakes?
• are you the type who jumps from one relationship to the next without learning about what went wrong in the previous relationship?
• are you too scared to face your errors and missteps?

And finally, childhood demons that were formed during your childhood relationships with friends and family.

These ghosts from the pasts will be waiting for you to face (or avoid!) when you date. And they may or may not be pretty. 

Okay, here we go! 

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ATTITUDE

1. Evaluate Yourself Before You Date

And here’s 4 ways to do that:

a) Ask Yourself: Just WHY are you dating?

Before you open that dating app or open your house door to go into the dating world, you need to evaluate–like really, REALLY evaluate just WHY you are dating. This reason is extremely important because it will influence how you act and think as you date.

Are you really happy with your life and have come to a place of peace where you want to share your life with others? Or are you treating your single status like a disease/the plague and are ashamed of it and want to shed it by jumping into the arms of someone, latching onto them, and refusing to let go? 

You need to figure this out and know your intention. Like, really, look deep down into the depths of your soul and do some real, active soul searching because the reason why can make or break this journey for you. It will be the difference between coming off confident and excited for fun, and being calm about the events that are unfolding OR coming off desperate and handcuffing yourself onto the first person who just treats you nice. Because the latter attitude and mentality will ultimately hurt you. And that’s a promise. 

Otherwise, if you’re in search of a partner who can add to your life and enrich you, and who you are yourself, ready to enrich and grow with (because humans are social creatures and you want to share your life with someone because you’re happy with and proud of yourself), be my guest and please carry on with dating! Because you’ve got the right attitude.  

b) Knowing yourself before dating 

Before, I had thought that you had to REALLY know yourself before you go out into the dating world. You know, be this perfect being. However, I would like to argue that you can only learn through experience and application. And we’re humans, we’ll never be perfect (we can always improve though!), so waiting for the perfect time to date is honestly, in my opinion, naive and will actually be a disservice to you.

Why? Because think of it this way, if you sat at home just improving yourself all the time, how the heck would you meet your date? You need to go out. Only through going out while simultaneously working on yourself would you be available to meet people and possibly land a date naturally and not, you know, desperately.

And two, if you’re waiting for the perfect moment at home, you’re not really learning and are actually wasting valuable time that you can use just actually diving right in to date and to learn. We live and learn by experiencing and applying. Someone may (or think they may) know what they want, but you have to go out there and be smacked with reality to learn.

Now, if that doesn’t make sense, let me put it this way: I once knew this guy who said that all his kids have to have a Master’s Degree to make him proud. That that will be their high school degree to him. Anything less than that would be unacceptable. Great. That’s his preference and his standards. Here’s the kicker: good luck finding a woman who agrees to raise such kids with you. See what I mean? You may fantasize about such futures, but reality and finding someone who can make that possibility a reality will be hard.

Let me give another example to make it easier. I’m a writer. And when you have a story you want to write, you can outline as much as you want and plan the entire story from beginning to end, down to the very last itty bitty detail. However, that takes the fun out of exploring different avenues that the story can go in. Moreover, we cannot force things to happen. Sometimes the characters takes a mind of their own and leads you by the hand down a different path that makes the story better. Similarly, if you expect your date to be a certain way, one, it takes the fun out of the experience and journey of getting to know someone new naturally. And two, forcing stuff to happen never goes well–fictionally and in reality. 

Furthermore, I was told by another person who has never dated that the right person will come at the right time. No. I don’t agree with that sentiment and advice. You have to be active–both guy and girl– in this journey. Go out there and get what you want. It’s 2020, people! We’re all equal, so don’t wait around at home for the date to knock on your door and don’t you dare sit in a cafe waiting for that cute guy or girl across the room to summon their courage to ask you out!

Perfection doesn’t exist; hence, sitting around for the perfect time for a date to appear in your life or for a story to write itself will never do you any good. You have to go out there and learn and experience and apply, apply, apply. You can’t win the lottery without buying a ticket. And you miss every shot you don’t make. So why do the same for dating and choosing to sit around and wait for it to happen, instead of proactively doing something about it?

This brings on another point. When you don’t look for love, sometimes it finds you. Life is full of surprises, right? So go out and have fun, but don’t force love to happen. Don’t actively seek it. Let it happen on its own. Just be out there in the world (outside your home) and let it find you. Be open and prepared for it. So when it comes, you’re surprised, but ready to embrace it.

Besides, when you actually go out to meet people, whether in real life or online, you practice your social skills. And only by interacting with different and many people, do you get a sense and learn what you want in a future significant other; rather than sitting at home making a list of what prince charming or princess charming should or should not have. You’re going to be looking for a cardboard cutout and not a real human being that way. And you want to fall in love with a human being, right? Not a list!

People are multidimensional. Experiences, life events, and their own unique way of thinking have shaped them into who they are as unique individuals. They will not be able to conveniently check all the requirements on your list. They’re just as beautifully flawed as you are. Because, remember again: humans are made to be flawed and not made to be perfect.

Additionally, I would like to add that saving dating until you’re older, less busier, or when it’s the right or perfect time may sound like a good option for some people. However, be aware that people are more forgiving of your mistakes the younger you are than when you’re fifty and have now just realized something as basic as hey, um…we don’t say I love you after the first date. Trust me. There are some interesting people out there. I do have to clarify though that I had originally regretted not dating in my teens and starting out so late in my mid-twenties, but sometimes, hearing horror stories from friends can also be a great learning experience, too.

c) Figure out if you are strong enough to handle the B.S. you will most likely encounter while dating

People call it THE Dating Game for a reason. Why? You’re going to be mixing into a pool of assholes, narcissists, entitled fools, mysogynists, rebounders, crazies, people with mental illnesses, people with baggage, weirdoes, and normal, genuine people on a quest for something real like you. You will be blindly jump into this pool and be stuck with one or a few of those variety of people who you managed to pull out, who hooked onto you, or who you, yourself, will be hooked to.

It’s a lottery and sometimes, the person you are stuck with doesn’t show their true colors until it’s too late (when you’re official and emotionally invested). But if you’re lucky, you find out sooner. It’s a dangerous world out there, especially on online dating sites. People will hurt you if they want to because they are sometimes only looking out for their own benefit and themselves.

So be careful. Keep your eyes peeled and your guard up. Protect your physical, mental, and emotional safety. Watch for anything, any clue that will give you that hint to just book it.

Some people are professionals when it comes to deceiving others. A person can be excellent on paper; for instance, have a PhD and be a family man. However, maybe he has anger issues or an unrealistic approach to love and can be physically violent. Don’t let your heart get ahead of your head. Your safety comes first before your heart does, my friends.

d) Your mentality

Your mentality is EXTREMELY important in this game. And this is where people’s different values come into play.

Do you believe in fate? Destiny? Twin flames? The universe having a hand in your interactions with others and overall life, including your love life?

Are you ready to meet different flavors of people, both good and bad? Are you mentally prepared to be mind-blowned by all the people you wish you never met and went on a date with?

Are you trying to meet different people and see and learn about what and who you might like? Or are you the type who has a checklist and is ready to find the one who ticks off each box?

Are you trying to play the field and pluck the best from the crowd you’ve hoarded in your message box or are you dating one at a time?

Are you searching for The One? Or are you open to anything?

Are you being desperate? Trying to escapes the sadness and crappiness of your single life? Scared of being alone? Or are you ready to share a life with someone else because you can and want to healthily do so?

The best attitude I think that works for dating is to have boundaries, respect, and love for yourself first and foremost, THEN just go out there, have an open mind, meet different people, have fun, and let things play out organically on their own.

2. Repeat after me: You are (I am) special

You deserve happiness, love, compassion, and a dream-like romance. But you need to find the right person to give that to you. The right, not the first person. You need to find someone who is WILLING to give it all to you and make the extra effort, go the extra mile to offer that to you, without you asking (but that doesn’t mean that you should expect that he/she is a mind reader!). And that also doesn’t mean you alone should be entitled to that fantasy. Remember, respect is a two way street and love is the same way. To have a healthy relationship, you must be willing to make the other person feel special, too. Bring something to the table!

This brings me to something I see happening to me a lot and to others. If you don’t know where you stand with someone–as in, always being stressed, sad, and/or anxious about whether or not you’ve been ghosted, ignored, or are overall unhappy–ask yourself this: is this person you’re with really worth fretting all this over?

You should find someone who puts in the same effort as you do. It’s about compatibility and balance.

Relationships are tough, but they shouldn’t be aggravatingly stressful to the point where you over-analyze every move you (or they) make and never receive the same gift or gesture you keep giving them. Of course, if you tend to over-analyze everything, you need to be aware of that and try to maintain a healthy balance/work on that issue. Not everything is the other person’s fault all the time either.

Another thing you deserve is to be one of your significant other’s priorities, at the very least.

NOTE: this is when you’re official though. If you’re still dating, do not expect someone to drop everything for a person they barely know.

I’m not saying you come before their family and work, but you should be up there somewhere at the top of their list of priorities if you’re official or almost there. And when I hear about couples complaining that their significant other isn’t making the same time and/or giving the same effort as they are, well, perhaps we need to have a conversation about that. We’ll discuss this more later in more detail when we get to the 4C’s of Relationships sometime in the next few posts.

Anyway, just remember, you’re beautiful, amazing, and special and you deserve someone who treats you well, so don’t settle for less.

Which brings me to my next point…

3. Having Standards

Having standards is not too much to ask. Don’t feel bad for having standards. I used to think that having any standards at all was not right, that I didn’t deserve to ask for any because it would be too much trouble for the other party. But that was before I realized I had to have self-respect for myself. After so many failed dates where I was mistreated and struggled to comprehend that I deserved, I realized something. I deserve to be walked with if I’m drunk or that if I drove a great distance to see someone–at the very least, I deserved them walking me to my car or some sort of simple, kind, reciprocated gesture.

There’s a clear difference between having high maintenance expectations and having common, basic standards. For instance, there’s a difference between expecting you reply to a text message within twenty-four hours or demanding to be responded to every hour. There’s a difference between hoping your future girlfriend is decent-looking and expecting she impresses your 1,000 Facebook friends when you take a picture with her. You get what I mean?

4. You Should Know How to Love Yourself BEFORE Dating

When I say you need to love yourself before dating, I mean that you should have 2 basic things: self-respect and self-love. And how you express and show how that love manifests itself within you comes in the form of boundaries you have for yourself AND how you enforce them when interacting with others.

You need to have boundaries and you need to be prepared to protect them like hell when you go out into the world.

Let me stress the importance of loving yourself before you date. You cannot give love from where there is none. You cannot pour water into another glass when that glass you’re holding is empty. What I learned when dating is that in order to start dating, you have to love yourself enough first to know how others should treat you. You should love yourself enough to have boundaries that people cannot and should not ever cross. If you don’t love and respect yourself, you won’t stick to your own boundaries and you won’t be able to call people out for overstepping their welcome in your personal space and toeing over your line.

People get into abusive relationships because they don’t have basic, simple boundaries. And it’s hard for them to leave because they don’t guard them or because these boundaries don’t exist. They chose their partners over themselves and the consequences are horrific–physically and mentally.

All this starts with knowing how to say no. If you can’t say no because you feel bad for hurting people’s feelings, you’re looking out for them. But who is looking out for you?

No one can look out for you all the time and no one should be looking out for you.

You alone are responsible for looking out for you. Just like how others should be looking out for themselves, too.

Hold up. Wait. Am I saying everyone should only be focused on themselves, not look out for others, and should be selfish? No. Absolutely not! Let me clarify.

You look out for others only after YOUR needs have been taken care of. 

My uncle told me that on an airplane, if something happens and they release oxygen masks for the passengers, a parent should put the mask on themselves first before helping their child. Wait, your needs go above a helpless child? Yes, that sounds strange but hear out the reason behind it: you have to make sure you are safe and taken care of first before you are available to help other people.

How can you let someone borrow money if you yourself don’t have money to give? How can a firefighter go in and rescue you from a burning house when he has a broken leg? You’d BOTH be dead.

Yes, you can be selfless and help others and put their needs before yours (and be called a noble hero if you’re successful), but don’t be surprised when they don’t do the same for you. Because they’re not responsible for looking out for you (unless they’re your parent, family member, or friend). They look out for themselves and you should do the same for you (at least early on before you’re both official!). And not every one has the same kind and noble heart as you.

And think about it this way, if you barely know someone for a few hours/days, are you really already willing to put their needs above yours? Because that’s not a healthy mentality. You’re a saint if you do, but you’re not going to be happy in the long run doing that. I’m willing to bet that it will breed resentment that will come to a head later on because it most likely won’t be reciprocated by your partner and you’re most likely doing it to impress, rather than doing it genuinely.

It takes time to know people. Let’s think of it through an example. Would you be willing to tie your date’s shoe right now (I actually had a date ask me to do that for him!)? Would you do that, especially when you really like him, and then regret doing it if you found out later they had one of your deal breakers and say, were a cheater who had a physically abusive past?

Bringing us back on topic, you should go into dating with at least a strong sense of self-worth and personal boundaries. To protect yourself and not let yourself be taken advantage of.  Which means that you should know what your boundaries are before you even start seeing someone. For instance, if you’re not comfortable kissing or making out on the first date, you should push back against anyone who doesn’t respect that.

And having boundaries benefits you because it creates a fool-proof filter for you. If someone doesn’t respect it, they don’t respect you and you know who to weed out. If you don’t–well, you’re going to keep seeing them and continuously and repeatedly be taken advantage of and made to constantly feel disrespected. And I’m sure that’s not what you want because you’ll know when you’re always somehow unhappy with them. And it’s only going to go downhill from there. Once they cross one boundary, there’s nothing stopping them from crossing more. It’s going to be an unhealthy, unbroken cycle of similar behavioral patterns.

In conclusion, have boundaries and be firm with them. Have boundaries to protect yourself. Love yourself enough to be able to defend those boundaries with vigilance and great resistance. Again, that’s why I stress that you must have a strong sense of self-worth and self-respect because if you don’t–I’m not kidding you, there will be people who will be able to sniff that weakness out and abuse you. They won’t be sorry about it either.

You can’t say just no and then act meek either! Someone will steamroll right over you! I guarantee it, unless they really like and respect you. But I’m telling you, dating is a game and it’s a numbers game. So the likelihood that the first few people you meet will respect you enough not to take advantage or disrespect you is really slim. That, or you’re really freaking lucky. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.

5. It’s Okay to Be Alone

Beyonce got cheated on, Jennifer Lopez, Scarlett Johanson, and Jennifer Aniston have all experienced a divorce. And they’re all beautiful, talented women. And you know what? Aniston has been voted sexiest woman alive many times by different magazines, yet she’s not currently married and seems happy alone!

So what if everyone in society is married? Marriage isn’t for everyone! Just like how parenthood is not for everyone! Just because everyone is doing it, doesn’t mean you should, too. You can still live a fulfilling and happy life without a partner. Sure there are downsides. But there are downsides to being in a relationship, too. Just look at the divorce statistics!

My point is, it’s not the end of the world if you’re not married by 30, 40, or even 50. And don’t panic if you won’t have kids by the time you’re 40.

Embrace your singleness and don’t be ashamed of it because even the most successful and most beautiful people are living the high life single, too! Jennifer Aniston still rakes in money from her Friends reruns and she’s still as gorgeous as ever!

It’s okay to be alone and it’s okay to enjoy your own company. As long as you keep challenging yourself, take care and treat yourself out, and learn and grow as a human being, you’re still living a completely fulfilling life!

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That’s it for Part 1. What do you guys think about these lessons so far? Do you agree with them? Or disagree with any of them? Comment below and we can discuss it! Or if you’re shy, you can always email me as well! If you’re brave enough to share some personal experience, I would love to hear them, too!

Part 2 is now released! Please subscribe to this blog to never miss a post! If you’re interested for more content, feel free to click around this blog. Happy reading and stay happy and healthy during this incredibly special time!