You are like a plant. And the environment a plant grows up in is extremely essential for its growth and health. Who and what you surround yourself with, immerse yourself in, and/or allow to be present in your life affects your health.

Welcome back to another discussion for the “How to Love Yourself” blog series.

In Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3 of the “How to Love Yourself” blog series, we talked about:

Today, we’re going to talk about one of the most important factors to helping you love yourself:

your environment.

Disclaimer: The cover image used for this blog post does NOT belong to me. I am merely using it for discussion and entertainment purposes related to the topic of this article. You can find the original image at this link.

Intro

You’ve probably heard about the Nature vs Nurture debate in Psychology; it’s over the idea that genetic inheritance (nature) and the environment you grew up in (nurture) shaped who you become and are physically, psychologically, and behaviorally. This can also apply to how you see and view yourself.

In a metaphorical sense, think of yourself as a plant. A flower, tree, or anything you want–as long as it’s a plant–to make the analogy stick. How you grow–or how any plant grows, rather–depends on the amount and its access to basic elements such as nutrients, soil, water, carbon dioxide, and energy from the sun. A sharp decline or absence in any of these critical factors most likely has a detrimental affect on–or can even be fatal to–the plant’s growth and health. Not enough sunlight, water, or nutrients means a stunted, wilted, and/or unhealthy plant.

You are like a plant.

And the environment a plant grows up in is extremely essential for its growth and health.

Similarly, you can apply this line of thinking to your own life.

Who and what you surround yourself with, immerse yourself in, and/or allow to be present in your life affects your health.

Maybe they might not directly affect your physical health like all those elements do for a plant, but there are countless research and studies that have proven that problems with physical health can lead to or stem from issues with mental health. And that is our focus for this section of our series today.

In order to love yourself, you must, must, must prioritize your mental health. And as I stressed in part 2 of this series, physical health matters to your sense of self-love, too! You’ve got to exercise for good mental health and to obtain overall great physical well-being in order to feel good about yourself. This also applies to your environment.

Because who we surround ourselves with, whoever is in our daily environment, and what activities we put time into and immerse ourselves in has an impact on our mental, and therefore, our physical health, we have to reevaluate all these things and people who we spend time with because they all attribute to our overall sense of self-love.

Simply put, our environment matters. So here are a few ways you need to show yourself and can show yourself some more self-love by analyzing your environment and preparing yourself for some house cleaning.

17. Avoid Toxic People

This includes parents, significant others, best friends, siblings, relatives, coworkers, etc. Stay away from toxic people.

Now, this does not mean just cutting people out (although sometimes that is necessary. And I’ll explain why later!). It means at first letting the person who is behaving toxically to you know first that their behavior is negatively impacting you, whether that be physically (abuse), emotionally (gaslighting), verbally (putting you down), or any other type of bad conduct.

If they do not respond well to you bringing that up or do not acknowledge, accept, or, at least, try to understand that they’re hurting you–or that you find their behavior unacceptable (because of a lack of empathy and/or respect), then by all means, cut them out. You most likely are dealing with a narcissistic individual or at the very least, a toxic person.

Dealing with a Narcissist

This is the type of person I mentioned above where you do not have to explain why you are leaving them if they have demonstrated a pattern of not hearing you out. Communication, respect, and relationships are a two-way street, and if they refuse to hear you out, please leave and cut them out without needing to justify or explain your decision. This person is not healthy for you to be around because, again, they refuse to accept that they hurt you or refuse to try to fix why you feel hurt and work on the relationship. These people will drain you emotionally and mentally and will be too much trouble to put up with in the long run, so save yourself the heartbreak, time, and headache and cut them out as soon as possible.

Yes, there is a need to fix relationships that are valuable to you; however, if there is no change from the other party or a similar effort being reciprocated (or even an acknowledgement of the hurt that was inflicted), there simply is no point maintaining, let alone, keeping that relationship.

NOTE:

Sometimes you may be the toxic person in a relationship (or in addition to your partner being one), but don’t worry, there is still room for growth and learning in life. Just evaluate yourself and your behavior, acknowledge your shortcoming (it can be seriously painful–trust me, I would know!), work on it, and then move forward. Life is always about learning and growing, so don’t beat yourself up, make your necessary improvements, and know that you are or will be wiser from this experience!

Also, don’t think of cutting people out as a bad thing when you are trying to preserve your mental health, (sanity,) and self-love. If someone doesn’t take it well that you’re standing up for yourself, refusing to continue taking and/or tolerating their abuse, or trying to express more self-love and compassion for yourself, they were not a friend anyway. Now, that doesn’t mean that that should take away from your feelings of loss–you did make memories, spend time with, and most likely loved this person, but letting go is a part of life.

Not all friendships or relationships are meant to be lifelong. In most cases, they are meant to teach us something about life and/or something about ourselves in a moment of time, and the process of losing them is like trimming a tree or plant. Filtering through “friends” is a way of realizing who is really there for you and who is really a true friend.

Side Story

On a personal note, I recently lost someone I deeply loved, but I realized that sometimes love alone is not enough (which is another conversation for another day). My point is I know that that loss will feel so painful and unbearable for a long time, but after while, in hindsight, you will realize that what you did is for your greatest benefit. Today, I feel so happy with my final decision and am in a much better place mentally and emotionally without that person. I believe that will be the same for you, and if you need advice or have doubts, feel free to email me for your specific situation. Sometimes, life is never that black or white, so who knows if your life is the exception?

18. Avoid ANY Negativity

This means avoiding any drama, judgmental (and again, toxic people), and anything/anybody not good for your mental and emotional health.

SIDE NOTE: By “anything,” I mean any activities or obligations that stress you out or take a toll on your mental health and happiness. For example, if going to an activity is taking away time for other passions/activities/obligations in your life or is causing too much stress for you, you can drop it to make more room and time for happiness and obviously less stress in your life!

Avoiding any negativity also means letting go of the shackles you have on you that chain you to other people’s opinion(s) of you. Yeah, that’s what I mean by avoiding judgmental people. Let’s be real: you can never truly love yourself if you hold yourself hostage to what other people think about you.

Real Talk

Here’s a life truth that may be painful for some to accept: you will never and can never ever make everyone love/like you.

So there is absolutely no point torturing yourself, wasting your time, or subjecting yourself to the worthless opinion of every single person on this planet. There’s seven billion people living in this world. Think every one of them will love you?

Guess what? I guarantee you that there will be at least one person who will have a problem with you over something unrelated to who you are, how you act, or how you look like. They can dislike you for the most insignificant or illogical reason possible; how you breath, eat, or even look. And it could be over something you have absolutely no control over.

Think about it. Have you ever hated a celebrity just because something about them annoyed you or ticked you off? I know Benedict Cumberbatch would like to have a word about that.

Now let’s expand on that line of thought. Consider the biggest celebrity names or people in entertainment, or even in politics–Taylor Swift, Trump, and Obama. Do you think everyone likes all three of those people? Of course not! And it’s for a myriad of reasons, like who they are, what they stand for, or how they act.

So if even those successful and/or well-known figures have people who dislike them–you know, loyal anti-fans called “haters”?–then you can’t expect that everyone will like YOU either. Therefore, don’t live your life catering to other people’s opinions of you.

Live for yourself and do what makes YOU happy. That’s self-love.

And if there are people hating you or bullying you, ignore them! Cut them out! Or stand up for yourself! Which leads me to the next point…

NOTE/CLARIFICATION:

Avoiding ANY negativity does NOT mean ignoring negative emotions you (may) feel such as anger, disappointment, embarrassment, or loss, etc. These emotions make you human and your body is processing something with those emotions; so please figure out why you feel that way and do not ignore them, or gaslight yourself, by avoiding this kind of “negativity.”

19. Do NOT Gaslight Yourself

Do not ever gaslight yourself! One of the biggest lessons I have ever learned is this, and if I can pass it on to you, I will.

Your feelings matter.

Always.

Allow yourself to feel all the emotions that you have been blessed with, given, and can freely express as a human being. Feel your anger, your pain, your sadness. Now, of course, that does not mean being destructive, abusive, or harmful to others and their well-being. But if you are mad (or in pain or sad, etc.), express it healthily and in a constructive manner.

If you feel hurt, allow yourself to feel out all your pain and anguish. That’s how you heal. Just like a bruise or cut takes time to allow for the blood to clear away or for a scab to cover it and then turn into a scar, we must all undergo the process of processing our thoughts and emotions.

On that note, I’d like to say, then, that standing up for yourself extends to dealing with how others treat you. Do not ever let someone talk to you in a way that you do not agree with, tolerate, or will accept. Tell them off! But be compassionate, respectful, and civil! Don’t give them the satisfaction of willingly being dragged down to their level. Be classy.

Do NOT Let Others Gaslight You Either

This rule also includes rejecting people who won’t let you feel what you feel. For example, do not let anyone ever tell you that you should get over something that happened to YOU. They’re not the ones going through your pain or experiencing your life, emotions, or trauma. These emotions and experiences are YOURS. And yours alone. Your pain, your experience, your life. NOT theirs.

You can rightly cut these kind of people out of your life. I promise you’ll feel a lot better after/when you do.

20. Do NOT Deal with or Take Any Bullshit from ANYONE

Stand up for yourself. That’s how you love, tell, and show yourself you love you.

Of course, make sure you pick and chose your battles though; don’t waste time, screw your mental health, and/or put yourself in harm’s way.

Wasting Your Time

For instance, there is no point arguing with a narcissist, someone with a huge ego and a lot of pride, and/or someone who is incapable of ever admitting that they are wrong. You’ll waste time trying to even get your point across to this individual. There exists people in this world who will never understand or can ever admit that they’re wrong or that they’ve ever hurt you. Avoid these people. They’ll end up gaslighting you, making you question your sanity and what is real, and will consistently end up hurting you.

Not Worth Your Sanity

On that note, do not bother standing up for yourself if it comes at the cost of your mental health. In other words, if you feel like you’re being misunderstood, misheard, mocked, gaslit, invalidated, or suicidal in an attempt to defend yourself, there is no point. That person you’re dealing with is a lost cause. You’ll be sacrificing your time, energy, and mental health for someone who is not worth it. Not everyone needs to understand your worth; what’s most important is YOU valuing you/your own worth.

In both those cases, just drop it and walk away. Again, in these situations, just telling yourself you know what they’re saying is not true is good enough.

Watch Out for Your Physical Safety

Lastly, if someone can potentially physically harm you if you try to defend yourself, just walk away (or get out of that situation ASAP). You don’t need to be beat or worse, killed, to defend yourself verbally. Some people outside in the streets are dangerous, and sometimes you don’t know who you are dealing with and how violent they can be. They can snap really fast and escalate the situation so quickly that you do not need to confront these types of individuals to defend and show self-love for yourself like that.

Clarification

In clarification of what I mean by this point is, for example, if someone you know says something about you that you do not agree with–say “you’re too sensitive”–put your foot down and say that you are not being too sensitive; RATHER the perpetrator–or whoever said/is saying the offensive comment–is saying something hurtful.

Redirect the accusation onto THEM.

Of course you are allowed to appropriately react to those comments. For instance, if someone says that you are dumb or ugly, tell them that that is not true and stand up for yourself. HOWEVER, it is YOUR right to be angry, upset, or however you want to feel. Just do not give the other person the power to take away your right to feel something they’ve clearly incited. (Psychologically, that’s the purpose in these attacks; to hurt you and then mock your reaction).

Remember to consider who you’re dealing with first and make sure you can safely do so to preserve your mental, emotional, and physical health and safety.

Another example is if someone gaslights you. I think of a situation I saw in this YouTube series where a doctor was giving a female patient a pap smear (4:30 minute mark). When she groaned, he told her he thought her reaction was too much and that he didn’t think it was that painful. In these types of situations, you can tell the doctor off and say that it is your body. He is not the one experiencing a device going inside of him to be able to tell you what or how you should feel, so he can keep his opinions to himself, thank you very much.

21. Walk Away from Things (and/or People) that/who Do Not Bring You Happiness

Going back to making sure that your environment is in peak condition to support your growth and self-love: Walk away from anything or anyone who does not bring you joy. As I mentioned at the beginning, it’s about sifting through your life and friends and seeing who is worth keeping in your life and who needs to be cleaned out.

You cannot grow in a healthy or positive way if you’re surrounded by things or people who suck your happiness and soul from you. Drop the classes or expectations you can no longer fulfill and what does not fulfill you. If you’re stuck doing something that no longer makes you happy, drop it. If you’re tolerating someone’s presence in your life instead of being happy when you see them, tell them the problem and try to work it out. Otherwise, if there’s no point, you can leave them too. Another big lesson I learned this year is that love is never enough in a relationship.

Be Careful of the Love You Accept or Allow into Your Life

And to extend further from that line of thought, just because someone gives you (a type of) love, doesn’t mean you have to accept, take, tolerate, or settle for it either– especially if you don’t want it or want to. For example, if someone has a crush on you but you do not have a crush on them, do you have to force yourself to like them back just because they like you? Of course not! That’s absolutely ridiculous! Yet, you will be surprised by just how many people actually follow that logic.

Similarly, just because a relative, family, or friend gives you their form of love or affection, does not mean you have to take it. Walk away from things and people who do not bring you joy, happiness, or fulfilment. Life’s too short and your mental health too valuable to settle for anything less than what you deserve (or want).

The reason why I believe in this advice is because I once had a “friend” who thought that just doing nice things for me was enough to be a called a good friend. Everything was transactional, empty, and not genuine. It was just a “give-and-take” type of relationship where I had to be grateful for every grand gesture. No thanks. I don’t need that kind of person or stress in my life.

22. Learn How to Say “No” and Not Feel Bad About It

Know your worth. That means having boundaries (this link takes you to a series about dating, but the same idea still applies) and being able to enforce them to demonstrate your worth. Be sure you are able to protect your boundaries because as I said in Part 5 of my Dating Blog series that defending boundaries means showing to not only yourself, but to the world you love you.

Know what you deserve and show yourself every day how much you value yourself in everything you do and how you interact with other people.

This again means that you should surround yourself with people who respect your decision and your right to say “no.”

If you say “no,” don’t give a reason either. You’re allowed to say “no” without having to feel like you have to explain why, be guilted into giving an excuse, or having to provide evidence to support it. Also, understand that this requires not caring about what other people will think of you (their opinions of you as stated in #17 and #18 up above) when/after you say “no.” Someone who gets angry/upset and doesn’t respect your decision/answer is NOT your friend/a good person anyway, so don’t bother even keeping that relationship.

Look Out For Yourself

For example, if you end up going to a party you did not want to go to, who will be the one being miserable and wasting their time? You! You will, of course!! That’s doing yourself such a great disservice. And it most certainly doesn’t show anyone that you love or respect you.

So make sure you do stuff you actually want to do (and hang out with people you actually like and want to). Saying “no” to things you don’t want to do will lift a great weight off your shoulders and will make you truly happier in life. I promise. Take it from me! I’ve been so much happier and more satisfied with myself overall and especially mentally ever since I started saying “no” to things I didn’t want to do (or people I didn’t want to hang out with anymore).

Sure, it feels “off” at first when you begin doing this, and especially for the first time in your life (if you’ve grown up or have been raised as a people-pleaser). However, with more time and practice, it will come more naturally and you will start to see a difference in your life.

Final Thoughts

Also, be reminded that you must overcome the fear of disappointing people. If you love yourself, it doesn’t matter that you disappointed people. You live life for YOU and this is your life and YOU can make decisions for yourself. So show yourself that you can do that, that you respect yourself, and love yourself, and say “no!” Again, who cares what people say. As mentioned above, you can’t make everyone happy and you most certainly don’t have to. So say “no!” This is how you establish boundaries and this is how you protect them (the boundaries). Lastly, do not take any BS from anyone when you say “no.” That is really important.

Wrap Up

Well, this wraps up this portion of our How To Love Yourself blog series. Stay tune for the next post when I discuss “How to Take Care of Yourself” and “How to Deal with Change.” If you have not caught up with the previous sections of this series, you can do so here with Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3.

How to Love Yourself (Part 4)