Disclaimer: These are my personal experiences growing up. I know there are Asian American women who have completely different experiences than me and may not agree with anything that I say below. However, to dismiss it is offensive to me because these problems exist in my life even if they have not happened to or affected you personally. I know there will be someone out there who would be able to identify with some of the experiences I have been through though and this post is for them and to open a discussion I don’t see anywhere else on the internet.

Featured image is from YouTube.

I am a Vietnamese American woman from a traditional/conservative background. My parents raised me to be the best demure, obedient, respectful, traditional girl they possibly could. 

Until I learned I hated the box I was forced to grow up in and rebelled.

The Asian American experience and most importantly, identity is a complex one. 

You live and breath as two contradicting identities forced to mingle in one body. The American half of me wants to be ambitious, bold, daring, strong, outspoken, unapologetic, and individualistic. I want to pursue my dreams and passions and live a life where I chase my own happiness. 

On the other hand, the remaining Vietnamese/Asian half of me feels tied down and burdened with familial responsibilities and life expectations. I feel guilty that I am not becoming a doctor, dentist, pharmacist, or dermatologist. The older generation of my family drown me with endless stories about the harsh conditions they had to brave to get to America and how I am lucky to be born here and to never experience those pains. All I am expected to do is study hard and become a high paying [insert stereotypical Asian job here]. 

Anyway, add the identity of being a woman into that mix, and my experience is even more unique and difficult. And there are some things I want to discuss that makes my experience and identity as an Asian American woman so strange and frustrating to navigate through.

Note: I want to first say that I do NOT hate being Asian, but I do think that because I was raised in the American school system and society that my perception of the world is one-sided, tipped to embrace my Western identity than my Eastern. I realized now that it was easier to love my American identity growing up because I live here and am immersed in it. However, to fall in love with my Vietnamese/Asian identity, I had to actively yearn, learn, wrestle, and independently be curious about it. 

So even though I will present my gripes with my Asian American identity here, I am proud of how both identities have shaped me into the individual I am today. 

Here they are:

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1. Marry Early or As Soon As Possible — or else

Or that the point of my entire existence is to prepare for marriage and be the perfect wife for my husband.

I know the older generation of Asians, our immigrant parents, are rigid in their beliefs because of their age. They grew up with that mentality and were influenced by it for a long time, so of course, they think that way. However, let’s be practical. No (or not many) college-educated women is getting married early unless her situation is very unique.

A majority of college-educated women, be it Asian or non-Asian, are career-focused and although many of us would love to marry young, it’s not reasonable. One, personally, I’d like to make sure I enjoy my career and have a stable job before I get into a relationship. I want to be able to pay for my own stuff and not have to rely on my parents or my boyfriend. Moreover, it takes time to build your career and yourself as a person. And lastly, I want to save up money for life goals such as my own house and furniture before I get married or even consider marriage.

I can’t do all that at the ripe young age of 19, 21, 24, or whatever (although, there are some incredible women who are capable of doing just that or have even already accomplished all that by then!). So every time after someone from the older generation asks me if I am married yet, it makes me sad. 

And annoyed. 

For instance, my grandma complains that compared to her younger sister, none of her grandchildren are married and have kids. In contrast, my great aunt has two grandsons who both have children already (Mind you, they both have not been to college and are not American born). My grandmother is upset that she’s not a great grandmother yet, that she lost to her younger sister, and that her grandchildren should hurry up already with marriage and family life. At every family get-together, we always have to hear (low-key shade about) how at 19, she had already married. *rolls eyes* 

At church, many parishioners also ask me if I am in a relationship and when my wedding is. Yes, I ignore them, but the amount of times it gets asked gets on my nerves. Especially when you know everyone there.

As a twenty-something-year-old, this is the best time of a girl’s life. You’re both old enough to be an adult and young enough for older guys to want to pursue you and bear children. 

This window is the golden decade. 

After this, you’re considered less desirable as a woman. There’s less youth, more wrinkles, and that stupid biological clock scare. I know there are exceptions, but I am speaking in broader terms. 

Anyway, another thing I want to complain about that I notice in my cultural community is this idea of desirability. 

From what I’ve learned from my family and my familiarity with the mindset of other Asian families is that, as a woman, if you don’t get married before 30 and especially before 40, then it’s a shame to you and your family. That means no one wanted you and you’re somehow dysfunctional. People start making assumptions of you such as labeling you as being too picky, aggressive, or not pretty enough. 

I remember my mother asking her friend if his 27-year-old daughter was getting married soon. His face immediately fell and he said, “she’s still enjoying her single status.” My mom smiled politely and said (I don’t know if it was genuine or not) “she still has time.” However, she complained herself at a different time with another (older) person that she had gotten married late at, guess what age? 27.

My dad is also fun to talk with about this very topic (this is sarcasm). He (surprisingly) knows I am in my mid-20s now and he keeps saying, “don’t be picky and find a good guy.” 

Somehow, that seems impossible and contradictory. 

If I need and want to find a good guy, I have to be picky to filter him through everyone I encounter, right?

A lot of older Asian women have this fear, too. I know my aunt-in-law sure did. She was scared of being undesirable, marrying my uncle at age 41, claiming she married so late because she was her mom’s favorite and her mom found it hard to let her go. 

Honestly, with the American half of my identity, I don’t care when I get married. Even if I don’t, who cares? It’s my business and anyone who thinks otherwise should not be kept around as company. I’d, hopefully, be married to my career, so this fear–although understandable to me, sometimes is disappointing and is useless.

2. Never Allowed to Speak Up or Back

I tutor kids for a living right now and I remember encountering a parent who complained to me that she didn’t want her daughter to be strong. 

Why? 

My mom, meanwhile, admires strong women who don’t cry and she has herself cried in front of me only a handful of times in my entire life. She also used to rebuke and scold me for crying as a kid, even making fun of me for being a little cry baby and being too sensitive, which I hated and resented her for growing up. 

She and parents similar to her want strength in their daughters to not ever cry–especially in public, yet they simultaneously hate when their daughters talk back to them. On the contrary, they stay radio-silent when their sons yell at them. 

I find that stark contrast very offensive. 

When I talk back to my parents, I am always screamed and bullied into silence while my brother can enjoy his inherited privilege to say whatever is on his mind freely (with no hesitation!), no matter how rude or what horrible repercussions it may cause.

What is so wrong about a strong woman? 

I also admire women who don’t cry, but a woman who is outspoken to her parents–why is that so scary, so threatening, so looked down, and so frowned upon? 

This is where the stereotype that Asian families and Asian men like to control their women comes from. They demand their women respect the right authority and are obedient beings who know their place. Luckily, this generation of Asian American men who I’ve encountered are different than their parental counterparts. 

3. Never Allowed to Feel or Ever Be Angry or Outspoken

Another thing that makes me frustrated about my Asian American woman identity is the restriction to be mad. 

My mother barks at me for getting mad or being grouchy. 

I’m always supposed to wear a fake smile, even when I want to break what I am holding. 

I remember my days back in church choir when I lashed out at the unfair treatment I and my section received from the conductor. This old lady, who was a friend of his and, mind you, unrelated to me, called me out for speaking against him. She even threatened that she would punish me by slapping me on the butt (a punishment loved by the older Asian generation) if I did that again. 

Bitch, please. You’re not my grandma and I fucking dare you to lay a finger on me. 

I am not a demure little princess and I am definitely not an obedient little poodle that should be muzzled.

I see the bewildered and shocked expressions these conservative/traditional adults wear when I openly call them out or express any disagreement with the bullshit that they do. I’ve been countlessly warned time and time again that I would “never make [my] husband happy or have a happy marriage” or told that “no man would ever want to marry [me]” because of my audacity to call out B.S. and challenge abused authority. 

Excuse me, but I don’t need to marry anyone to be happy and thank God such men won’t consider me wifey material. If they have such fragile egos and such backward thinking, save me from the wedding. I’d like to use my money and time on other, better things.

Stupids.

4. Treated Poorly Compared to Asian Men 

My extended family on both my father’s and mother’s sides are sexist and misogynistic. 

When my aunts-in-law were both pregnant, my maternal grandfather kept harassing/pestering them with the lovely question: “will it be a boy or a girl? Hopefully, it’s a boy.” After my uncle was married, the first thing my grandfather said was “if you do it in the beginning of the year, you will get a boy. Avoid the end of the year if you don’t want a girl.” 

Wow, thanks. 

You know without a girl, you don’t get that food you’re eating right now or any of your sons, Grandpa (that took a lot of teeth clenching to not call my grandpa an impolite name).

It gets even better when I go to my paternal grandfather’s house. The first question he ALWAYS (I’m not even kidding you) asks me after every single time that I greet him is “where is your brother?” 

My uncles over there also always inquire about my brother with questions such as “how have you been?”; “do you have a job yet?”; or “do you have a girlfriend yet?” In the meantime, my sister and I have to sit there in the background and simply breath. Oh yeah and my aunts all have to cook and serve them all 😉 perfect, isn’t it?

On my mother’s side, when my male cousins come to visit from out of town, we all have to clear our schedules as if the president was coming to grace us with his presence. We have to prepare a meal for them, be ready to spend (or rather, sacrifice) the day with them, etc. 

It gets annoying when you’re also consistently compared to them. “Why don’t you have a Masters like them?”; “why isn’t your GPA as high as theirs?”; “what rank are you in school compared to them?”

You see? Compare, compare, compare.

Oh and again, my brother gets to go to school dances and stay out late and lash out and if I do any of that–well, let’s say brace for relentless screaming, threats, and mental/verbal lashings.

Just a note for my Asian American brothers out there: I don’t hate you. I still want to date you; just be aware what your Asian American sisters are going through when dealing with our parents/the older generation. And if you could use your status to stand up for us, that’d be nice because look at the unfair shit we have to go through.

5. Know How to Cook and Clean AND Serve Our Future Husband and Kids

This one is my FAVORITE. 

I don’t ever mind cooking for my partner or myself. But when I am expected to and that is my only purpose in life to be your adoring, subservient wife, you can bet your ass I will be unhappy and walking out the door (and marriage) with my middle finger(s) up. 

Of course, most people would love the idea of coming home from a shit day at work to an adoring, devoted wife who has your dinner ready and your house clean, but if you’re marrying me because of that expectation alone, I have one message for you: 

Screw. 

You. 

Or if you expect me to be that person for your son or to raise me into that kind of wife–well, expect to see very little of me or never see me at all.

I want to be a good wife and mother because I want to be so NOT because I have to be or am expected to be that. 

This is why I avoid any Asian man who comes from a conservative / traditional / family-oriented family. Yes, I want a man who will fight to spend time with and love his family, but if your mother is always around and I don’t get a choice over how to raise the kids that come out of me and who I carry around for 9 months, I’m out. 

Hi guys! I know this post is more tense and serious than normal, but I’ve been experiencing all of these thoughts and situations lately, especially as I enter the dating world and understand more of my Asian background, family, and identity. If you are experiencing something like this, please feel free to share in the comment section below. I want to see if anyone else is able to identify with these sentiments because I know there are some. I’d love to discuss this topic more! If you enjoyed this post, please check out the Asian American Topics tab at the menu above and/or click around the website to explore more content! Thank you for stopping by and reading!